You Lost Me

How can one be in a room full of party people yet feel so alone?

Exactly how I felt when I was standing around at the New Asia bar and honestly, and I dunno why, but I keep seeing Meatloaf. Every corner I turn, I would think it was him. Every botak-head angmoh seemed to look like him. And my heart would just sink with quiet sadness, when I realise that I really do miss him.

Almost all my 'regulars' dropped me a text message or at least an email to wish me a happy new year... but no, it would be too much to expect that from Meatloaf, is it?

He texted me a 'Yo!' just now, and so far I've ben ignoring his texts. I'm determined to let him go and just like how my previous ex-boyfriends taught me - just disappear. Poof. Dissolve into polluted air. I learn by example and I wouldn't know how to do it any other way. *smirks*

He lost me that night. And I don't know how to be in a relationship/ friendship/ whatever you call it, with someone I can't trust (bad enough that as it is, I have serious trust issues).

Like they say... if its free, you'll take it for granted. Well, you had this body, you had these boobs, you had my heart... and now you've lost all of that.

READ MORE » You Lost Me

Taking Back My Love

You said you changed,
But still nothing.
You're still the same,
I'm just a part time lover.

And I'm to blame,
Should've went away.
But yet I stayed,
With a part time lover.

See, somedays you will love me.
Then you don't, then you do, then you won't.
Then you're here, then you're gone.
I'm alone.

Now you got me stressing out
On the phone.
But it's the last time, I'm movin' on,
I'm throwing on my Louboutins.

I'm throwing on my Louboutins...

I left the state,
I changed everything.
No more 818
For the part time lover.

What goes around,
Comes back around.
And then you get what you deserve.

You part time lover.

See, somedays you will love me.
Then you don't, then you do, then you won't.
Then you're here, then you're gone.
I'm alone.

Now you got me stressing out
On the phone.
But it's the last time, I'm movin' on,
I'm throwing on my Louboutins.

I'm throwing on my Louboutins...

Watch this straight bottoms,
And the back of my jeans.
Watch me go, bye baby.
Don't know what you got until it's gone.

Tellin' lies,
It's over, see...
Watch that benz exit
That driveway.

I'm throwing on my Louboutins...

Watch me walk it out,
Walk it out, walk it out.
Walk this ride
Above the house.

Walk it out.
Boy, watch me walk it out, walk it out

::: Louboutins :: Jennifer Lopez



Stupid girl
You should have known
You should have known...

I love doing the dishes. Its more therapeutic than a chore to me. That was why, instead of joining him on the couch, I went to do the dishes instead. Yeah, you heard me - His dirty dishes. Kitchen. I needed time alone to think and analyse what just happened. Almost 2hrs ago, there was a fair bit of drama that could put Mediacorp's dramas to shame.

I was over at Meatloaf's to... you know, 'hang out'. He'd just got back from work too so he headed straight for the shower while I made myself feel at home. As I crashed on the couch, I realised that he had left his Blackberry lying around. Being the curious cat, I reached over to his phone and snooped on his sms-es.

Guess what I found. Words like 'cuddles'.. 'baby'... lovey-dovey messages... WWWWHHHAAAAATTTTT???!!!

I could feel my face burning up. What is all this? Who is this? When was this?

The voice in my head sent off a warning that set my body moving in autopilot - Get out of there! Just get out of there! Runnnn!

So I placed down his Blackberry, picked up my heels and ran out the door while he was still in the shower. In the lift, I put on my sky-high heels and stormed out of the condo. I chanted my oh-so-familiar mantra "Don't cry... don't cry!!!". Downstairs, I dropped Meatloaf an sms.

"Sorry. I'm outta here. You have Gwen."

By that time, I was already by the main road, feeling all pathetic, choked-up but still holding back the waterworks. I knew it! I knew there must be something else going on. Suddenly the puzzles were falling into place.

For someone who makes a living by meeting men, I know what to expect and the normal responses I would get from a man. How he would react to me (if he likes me)... how his BODY would react (body language)... if he's relaxed, if he's nervous, if he's sincere, if he's bluffing. There's almost a checklist I have in my head, which adds up to a scientific equation to determine the degree of chemistry and the percentage of probability in seeing him again.

We'll be deeply engaged in conversation, he'ld be curious about me and want to know all about me... he'll hold my hands and never seem to be able to stop gazing into my eyes untill sometimes it makes me feel shy and I'll try to escape his gaze and look down. He'll inch closer, and closer... then 'unintentionally' brushes his hands against mine. The tone in his voice will drop and he'll slip his hand around my waist, as I giggle flirtatiously (that drives 'em crazy. Works all the time) and then he'll pull my body close and we'll snogggggg till the last thread touches the floor. Then afterwards, he'll drop an sms, to thank me for the wonderful evening and try to keep in touch through emails. THAT, is the routine. THAT, is customary, almost expected.

For the first time in 6 months since I knew him, Meatloaf rang my phone.

Meatloaf: What happened? Where are you?
Me: Who is Gwen?
Meatloaf: Huh?
Me: I looked through your phone and I saw your messages with Gwen. It's ok, I understand if you're seeing someone else. I'm cool with that. You could have just told me.
Meatloaf: Gwen is my secretary. And I would tell you if there was something to tell. Why don't you come back up.
Me: No, I think I'll just go home.
Meatloaf: But I already told you there's nothing going on. You're just being childish... come on up and we'll talk about this. You can ask me all you want.

I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to look at him. I was upset but my head is over-clouded by emotions vs. logic. But I thought this would be a good opportunity to ask him all the questions thats been bugging me and get it all out. So I dragged my feet down that path again, half fearing for my life. What if he gets violent or angry cos I went through his phone?... die 'lah.

It is actually very clear what's happening, what he's doing and how stupid I really am. In my dire hope to find that someone called 'friend', someone I can cherish and shower my care and concern, I simply refused to admit that like every other lucky-guy-I've-randomly-picked to share my love, they never fail to be a jerk who uses me for sex. Always. I'm a jerk-magnet.

Well, I've recognised the business opportunities in being a jerk-magnet. That's why now I charge them by the hour.

But 'after-hours', I just want someone to talk to. Someone who knows me, as me... the girl. But it seems like its too much to ask.

Unlike some women who break into a screaming-fit, when I get upset, I talk really slowly and try to maintain a low-tone, which actually means that I'm trying hard not to break into tears. As tough and fierce I may seem to be, I'm a total softie and I totally suck at quarelling. Infact I hate and have never been the quarelsome sort. Its like, I didn't come all the way to fight with you. You just got back from work and I know you're tired. Arguing just sucks my entire energy anyway so I don't even want to start.

But is it even possible that a man does not fancy kissing?

Marcus said... "I wouldn't believe a word of it". The next day I actually asked Marcus (one of my regular clients) for his opinion. That geezer was working alone in the office and texted me to come, though in the end it didn't happen.

Me: Why don't you ever kiss me?
Meatloaf: I'm just not into kissing.

Me: Why do you only text me once every two weeks when you want me to come over?
Meatloaf: Cos I'm always working.

Ok. Here's the most unbelievably embarassing part.

Me: What's my name?
Meatloaf: (jokingly) Susan, Jane, Molly, Jolly... *lol* I'm not good with names...

Ladies and gentlemen, the man whom I thought I was in love with for the past 6 months does not even remember my name.

Me: Where do I stay?
Meatloaf: It's hard for an Englishman to remember the names of places here... *throws in random names of places*
Me: What do I work as?
Meatloaf: How long is this quiz gonna last?

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride...

Now you see what I mean about it being so obvious what he's doing and I just refused to see it. The pathetic thing is that I almost believed him. I was making excuses for him cos I wanted to believe his lies. On the other hand, I was afraid that due to my inability to trust, I might have doubted an innocent man.

I was not convinced by his explaination. I did not buy anything he said. I just wanted to love him so badly, that I was willing to let him use me. Fooled, I was not. But used, yes, I was prepared to swallow my pride. That night we had sex anyway cos somehow I knew in my heart that this could be the last. When I wake up tomorrow, the logic will set in and I will find the strength to walk out of all this.

Those were the thoughts that were going through my head as I was doing the dishes in his kitchen. Love him or leave him? I wanted to shower him with all my love and care but he does not even care enough to remember my name. I lovvvvvvve to kiss, but he doesn't kiss me. I love to snuggle, but he never does that. I'm as good as his inflatable doll.

I am not angry. I could tell that he was using me at most parts. I just feel sad. Really, really sad... that once again, love has deemed me unworthy.

This sad story always ends the same
Me, standin' in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

There is no other way, I get the final say
Because I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Baby hush hush...

READ MORE » Taking Back My Love

Dirty Picture

I could dream of ways to see you
I could close my eyes to dream
I could fantasize about you
Tell the world what I believe

But whenever I'm not with you
It's so hard for me to see
I need to see a picture of you
A special picture just for me, yeah

So take a dirty picture for me

Take a dirty picture

Just take a dirty picture for me

Take a dirty picture

Just send the dirty picture to me

Send the dirty picture

Just send the dirty picture to me

Send the dirty picture, picture, picture, picture, picture

Snap, snap, uh

Whenever you are gone

I just wanna be wit' ya

Please don't get me wrong

I just wanna see a picture

Take a dirty picture for me

Take a dirty picture

Take a dirty picture for me

Take a dirty picture

The dream of ways to see you

I could close my eyes to dream

Fantasize about this with you

But the way is never seen, oh

Uh, snap, snap, snap

 

When you're all alone, boy

I got something to give ya

Will ya play along

If I take a dirty picture

Click, click, snap

:: Taio Cruz (feat. Ke$ha) ::

 


My eyes glanced through Popeye's message and then I quickly closed the screen. I did not reply him. I did not know what to say. Untill 3 days later, on my way home and the song 'Lucky' (Colbie Caillat & Jason Mraz) was blaring through my earphones, and I just broke down and cried.
 
I thought he was the only friend I had who understands...
I thought we could have something...
I thought maybe someday he'll come back for me...
I thought wrong.
 
For the first time, someone made me feel like a whore, and it had to come from Popeye. The disappointment is heart-breaking.

READ MORE » Dirty Picture

Farking Pissed and Scared Shit

7.30pm ::Raffles City S.C, JCO::
I am so fucking pissed but more horribly worried. So worried that I just might break down right here at JCO (See. I am such a mess that I ended up coffeeing at JCO when I've sworn my life to Starbucks). Why the hell am I eating donuts?

Cos coffee can't make you pregnant

Recap. Here's what just happened:

I was called by Short-Dick-Sam (SDS). He assumed I will bring condoms, and I expected him to BYOC (bring your own condom), so in the end we had to do it raw, which I know is risky but I let it pass once in a while. The infuriating thing was, stupid SDS cummed inside of me, which I have never ever EVER allowed, even with boyfriends. No one!

After grabbing my $tash, I stormed off, obviously upset. And now, I am half shaking and waiting for the pharmacist at Watsons to come back from her dinner break at 8.20pm so that she can prescribe me the wonder-pills.

God forbid if I get knocked up frm this. I would rather die.

Oh no. My tummy feels funny. I NEED THOSE PILLS!!! *helllllppppppp!!!!!!!!!!*

8.20pm
::Watsons Pharmacy::

"Hi, do you have birth control pills"

"Sorry ma'am but those have to be prescribed by a GP", says the chirpy pharmacist who seemed like she had a good dinner break. Those 2 JCO donuts were the only thing I've had since morning.

Fuck. She doesn't have those pills.
Are there any clinics around here?...No.
Which clinic is still open at this hour?...
Ah. The 24-hr one near my house!!!

I had to abandon my orginal plan to hang out and soak in the F1 atmosphere at Raffles City. Only atmosphere now that has got my entire body soaked is panic and distress. These lips have been cursing SDS non-stop. Outside, the thundering roar of the F1 cars was drowned by the drumming of my heart. It has been 1 and a half hours since the sperms invaded my oysters. Oh no, I can just imagine them swimming up, up and away. I remember back in secondary school, during Biology class that a drop of semen the size of an eye-pin contained millions of sperms! I quitely prayed for SDS to have low sperm count or some kind of defect. I must take those wonder-pills to stop them sperms. Luckily it was easy to get a cab and I was in my very own street race to the clinic. How I wish the taxi driver was Alonso or Webber, instead of this ah-pek who has very slow :'( **on the verge of tears** My heart was beating so fast that I had to rest my right palm over my left chest till we reached the clinic.

9.00pm
::24-hour Clinic::

While waiting for my name to be called, I tried to rehearse my lines to avoid embarassing myself in front of the doctor. Now how do I say it with a straight face, without stammering? I tried to relax and calm myself down. So I picked up a magazine to read.

Are you mocking me? You're really not helping Fann Wong. Stop smiling! >(

When I finally entered the doctor's room, I was shocked to find that it was a male doctor. Usually it is a lady doctor. Oh no... how do I ask this fella for the pills?

"I was wondering if you could prescribe me some birth control pills?" I asked non-chalantly.

"Sure. When was your last menses?... Do you have children... Do you use protection?" Bla bla bla...

If SDS had used protection, I wouldn't be having a panic attack right now, halfwit!!!

The young doctor went on to ask me a string of questions before he explained how to take the medicines and its possible symptoms. The part that left me puzzled was when he told me to take the pills when my menses come and I have to take it for a course of 21 days. 

Huh? I thought I need these pills to make sure that my menses come and I don't bake a bun in my oven?

At the risk of sounding stupid, I asked the doctor again to be sure.

"Oh, did you mean 'morning-after' pills? Sure, I can prescribe that for you." I thought I saw a little smirk on his face.

SO THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED?!!!! MORNING-AFTER PILLS!!! Who's the champion halfwit now?

Postinor 2. I never thought these pills would be so expensive. $38 for 2 tiny pops, one to be taken within 48hrs after unprotected sex and the 2nd pop 12hrs later. I hopped over to the 7-11 next door and swallowed my pill there and then. I can't take chances. I CANNOT get pregnant. Haunting images start to cloud my thoughts again - pregnancy test kits, hospital visits, abortion... AARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

10.30pm
::Home::

Back home I got more bad news. I had planned to run some pretty important errands tomorrow morning but my folks insisted that I run some errands for them instead. Being one who never refuses whatever my parents say or ask me to do, I obliged without any complains and then when into my room.

Breathe.... Breathe. Please don't cry. Pleaseeee..... I begged the tears not to fall but the waterworks did not heed my plea.

I felt so tired. So frustrated. So upset. So angry.... at everything! At stupid SDS for cumming inside me. For wasting money and taking the cab to and fro. For having to spend on medicine. For the horrible feeling of worrying that I could get pregnant. For not being able to enjoy the F1 atmosphere at Raffles City. For being hungry and didnt have time to eat since morning. For having my plans for tomorrow spoilt just to accomodate others. For not being able to tell ANYONE about this, come home, put on a sweet face and pretend that my evening was just fine and dandy.

Mostly I cried becos I was terribly, horribly and scared to death that I could get pregnant cos that was the only thing that I have of myself, reserved for my future husband, if I ever do find him some day, cos I have nothing left to offer. For who could ever love a prostitute... right?

If I get pregnant, I'm finished. My life will be in ruins. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me a lesson. This is supposed to be my last week of whoring. I remembered telling myself earlier this year - untill F1 weekend (cos thats when S'pore gets a lot of visitors who needs erm, 'company'). And then I will quit.

I cried even more when I thought about my boy, Meatloaf, and the hypothetical name of our imaginery daughter that would bear his last name. How I miss him since I saw him last weekend and how I won't share my feelings with him cos I'm afraid I'll scare him away. Furthermore, I don't deserve him. He doesn't know I do 'THIS' and I hate how I can't open up to him cos I have so many secrets and 'cigarette butts under my pillow'. My chest felt like it could just burst.

12.15am
::Bathroom::
.
Never have I been happier to see... blood.
.
.
.
Got my menses.

No wonder I felt so melodramatic. Also kinda explains the wild waterworks. What a fuckin crazy day... Thank you God.

READ MORE » Farking Pissed and Scared Shit

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might...

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

 I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night

Airplanes :: B.o.B ft Hayley Williams

Snooze-Boy is smitten. He's been texting me non-stop, even when I don't reply. Been going through the list, and not that they're not eligible men. Worse! Some of them are married! tsk tsk tsk...

I've been asking myself what is my birthday wish...
... a thousand dollar bag?
... jewellery?
... fancy candle-lit dinner?
... fireworks?

and I wish...

... for that evening Popeye and I laid down on the grass in each others arms and counted the stars... that's all.

Previously with Popeye: 'Today was a fairytale', March 5th 2010.

READ MORE » I Wish I May, I Wish I Might...

What a Catastrophe!

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it...

Drama all through the night... I dun even feel like celebrating my birthday anymore. My date with the real boy was a snooze so I dont think I'll take him on Sunday (plus he was one-and-a-half hours late and made me wait without even texting to tell, and was so shabby, he looked like he just came down from his flat to go to the mamak-shop!). When I got home, I called the next best player - The Spaniard. I thought he was alright. Emailed him my pic, blah blah blah... only to see a txt message this morning from 3am that made my heart sank and feel sick in the stomach.

"I found your website..."

SHIT. How the hell??? So that's another one down. I've emailed another 2 down the list but honestly, I just down feel like going already. Or maybe, just end up going by myself cos most of the boys dun like roller-coasters. ((( wussies!!!! )))

And I...
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on...
(Miley Cyrus :: The Climb)

P.S: Marcus wished me happy birthday last night **waterworks**

READ MORE » What a Catastrophe!

Age of Stoopid

It's my birthday week and celebrations are on all week long, kicking off with Mika on Monday. Here's what I have planned...

Mika Monday - Concert
TLC Tuesday - Facial at Bliss Spa
Wet Wednesday - Mani-Padi at Neighbourhood mall
Turn-Me-On Thursday - Shopping for ... Lingerie!
Friendly Friday - Meeting a boy for coffee (latest update)
Salon Saturday - Haircut/ Treatment
Sentosa Sunday - Universal Studios

The keyword here is - plan.

Another year older, but none the wiser - I've come to my age of stupid. Tired of being the good girl who plays by the rules, lemme just be stupid for once. I thought I'll be happier but why do I still feel that heavy sadness? Cos I dont have anyone to do the above with?...

Marcus was the first person I thought to ask to USS with me on Sunday though I know there is no way in the world he'd wanna go. The thing with me is, I NEVER ask people out, be it for lunch, dinner, shop, movies, nada. I dunno what's wrong me - sometimes I guess its just I want it done quick, sometimes cos I just need time by myself, sometimes cos I can't take no for an answer thus I dont even bother to ask. So if I ever DO ask, it is a pretty big deal and quite a leap for me. As much as I tried to restrain from asking Marcus, I eventually did when he caught me on Gchat. Not surprisingly, he swerved and dodged the question, so I guess I got my answer. I suddenly felt so frustrated and blocked him from the chat. Just when I told myself 'Don't cry.. don't you dare cry'.. I felt this choking pain in my throat and my chest just wanted to explode.

I'm telling myself to cut him off (lets see how long this conviction lasts).

How about Craig, I thought. But I can't call him first. The ball is in his court. And just as though he read my mind, I got his sms about an hour ago. Craig asked if I was game for a three-some.

And, no. He's working on Sunday. Sure.

Right now I'm just feeling very... Rachel Berry, singing in the mirror to myself, with a hairbrush.




P.S: I prefer Rachel's version of Take A Bow vs. Rihanna's. Rachel sings it with more heart and I only felt the meaning of the song after she sang it. Kudos. Love Glee :)

P.P.S: Got my period. Relieved. I'm not pregnant.

READ MORE » Age of Stoopid

Trouble

Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

Oh no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,

Singing I, never meant to cause you trouble,
And I, never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

:: Coldplay ::

READ MORE » Trouble

Kelly Clarkson 'All I Wanted' Concert

Pretty good view from my seat. Kelly is such an awesome singer. She sang right to my heart. Dody texted me today. His excuse for going missing... Crap excuse. I'm not buying it. He texted me during the concert. Apparently his wife is also at the concert. Hahah waatever. The song that I felt most was 'Already Gone' - "You can't make it feel right.. When you know that it's wrong.. There's no moving on.. So I'm already gone"...

"Already Gone"

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories, they're haunted

We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high

It never would have work out right, yeah

We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out

I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]

I want you to know

That it doesn't matter

Where we take this road

But someone's gotta go

And I want you to know

You couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on

So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another

That doesn't always make you wanna cry

It started with the perfect kiss then

We could feel the poison set in

"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so

I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right

When you know that it's wrong

I'm already gone, already gone

There's no moving on

So I'm already gone

Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

:: Kelly Clarkson ::

READ MORE » Kelly Clarkson 'All I Wanted' Concert

Trouble With Love Is...

Everytime I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

I texted Dody a good morning message. He never replied. I think I got my answer.

Going to the Kelly Clarkson concert tonight. Perfect timing. Perfect soundtrack.

xoxo

READ MORE » Trouble With Love Is...

Remember this morning I said I dont have feelings for Dody, and I should find a way out from him and that I'll survive and move on?

Its been 9 hours since Dody last called or texted.

Why do I feel like dying?

READ MORE »

I'm the 7-Year-Itch

I gotta admit I'm very much behind in updating my blog. You probably guessed it right. Somehow I've slipped into an affair with a certain gentleman I'ld like to call Dody (previously referred to as Shrek, but now I feel like it doesn't do justice... to Shrek. Heh.)

11.44am - Rainy Monday
I'm stranded at home due to the fabulously pouring rain. This is how Monday mornings should be. I've already called the office to say I'm out running errands and might not come in today. This was followed by a few other sms-es from colleagues (inc my boss) saying that they're not coming in to work also. Haha. This is why I love my day job.

As I was saying earlier, yeah... I think I'm having an affair with a married man. Wow. Another firsts box checked. Last Saturday, Dody finally asked me over to his place and we made love.

I've known Dody for 20 days now (inc. today) and last Saturday after that love-ly episode, I ended up spaced and zoned out throughout the rest of the day. That night, at a concert that I had to attend, I finally burst and started crying at one of the songs.

I still find it mind-boggling how a man can have an emotional affair behind his wife. When I was at Dody's place, I saw the pretty framed pictures of him and his wife. Now I knw what Dody meant when he once before said, "One day you'll see the resemblance you have to my wife"... and its true. His wife and I looked like we could be sisters. Infact, I think his wife looks even better that me. But then again, those were his wedding pics from 7 years ago.

Oh yes, did I mention that I'm his 7-year-itch...?

WHY?? WHY?!!! How can a man bring himself to break that wedding vow?

Since I first met Dody, we've only met at his restaurant. I've been there about 4 to 5 times and even have my own special table. Table 60. We'd make out on his couch at the back of the dining area after closing time and I'ld come back like 3 in the morning everytime.

Dody is not a paying customer. More like a sugar daddy who feeds me well. Too well cos I'm putting on a bit of weight no thanks to the late night suppers. He makes the best coffee, showers me with chocolates, foots my cab bills and he checks up on my all the time. With Dody, I feel pretty loved and I enjoy his care and attention.

But after all that, as much as I promised not to judge... I still dont understand how a man can have the heart to bring another woman into the same bed where he and his wife makes love.

Dody says he loves me. But I'm already thinking of how I to get myself out of this. After Popeye, I've learnt my lesson. No love. Nooooo wayyy. Not again. L-O-V-E is just another word I'll never learn to pronounce.

On the downside, I havent been able to get much whoring done with Dody around. Wait. I've only done the Geologist guy and Popeye... yeah, I think that was it.

If I ever have to get rated, I'ld probably be one of the poorly rated whores who fails terribly when it comes to emotions. To date, I've revealed my identity to 2 men - Popeye and Dody. *sighs*

Anw, end of the month is looming. Time for the 'Fifth Wave'... new pictures, new name... still wondering if I should get a new number cos I might lose my regulars. *would have met up with another regular this morning if not for Aunt Mary who is in town :P Then again, I'm pretty relieved when 'she' visits*

Reminder to self: Meeting a 30-something italiano this week.... looking forward to that.

Verdict: Time to move on from Dody. I will miss him but I'll survive.

READ MORE » I'm the 7-Year-Itch

Don't Let It Go To Your Head _ the song

So what if I came clean, and told you all you mean to me,
so what if I meant every word I said,
baby don't let it go to your head
So what if I write your name,
cause you're always on my brain, in a heart I paint in crimson red,
baby dont let it go to your head
Dont be getting any big ideas, let me make it clear

Just cause I cant go on,
just cause I die when ur gone, & just cause I think of you in bed, dont let it go to your head, if I looked in your eyes, one too, too many times, & memorzied every word you said, dont let it go to your head, oh oh, don't let it go to your head, oh oh

So what if I want to kiss, from your toes up to your lips, it don't mean that you have me yet, youre gonna be good out of bed, i'm the one who's in control here, let me make it clear

Just cause I cant go on, just cause I die when ur gone, just cause I think of you in bed, dont let it go to your head, if I looked in your eyes, one too, too many times, memorzied, every word you said, dont let it go to your head, dont let it go to your head, oh oh

Now you think you got me
Well im gonna get you
Now you think you can touch me
Well im gonna let you

Just cause I cant go on, just cause I die when ur gone, just cause I think of you in bed, dont let it go to ur head
Just cause I cant go on
Just cause I die when ur gone
Just cause I think of you in bed, dont let it go to your head, if I looked your eyes, one too, too many times, memorzid every word you said, dont let it go to your head, dont let it go to your head, dont let it go your head, dont let it go to your head, dont let it go to your head...

:: Jordin Sparks ::

READ MORE » Don't Let It Go To Your Head _ the song

Don't Let It Go To Your Head

7.41am
My mind is in fragments. I just woke up but I havent been able to shake off that heaviness in my heart. Feeling like an emo-wreck. Here's what happened the past few days...

- Hooked up with another Swiss Choc... this ones from Geneva.
- Did I mention he's a geologist! Cool, huh?
- Nice guy. Confessed he's married to a french woman and has a 5y.o daughter. Said his wife hadnt made love to him eversince they had their daughter. Oh man...
- He cummed to a mere blowjob. $150 for a 10 min job. Not too shabby I guess.
- Went to Dody's restaurant after that for supper. I now, officially have a special table.
- I'm the woman at table 60.
- Dody's wife was at the restaurant too. Bummer.
- Dody joined me at the table after she left.
- I told Dody I might be getting too comfortable with him. Crossing the lines of 'business'.
- Shrek said to not get emotional and to enjoy this while it last.
- Feel myself falling into the same emo-pattern that I did with Popeye.
- Left in a cab around midnight. Refused Dody's cab money. (Damn, $30 gone)
- Received a txt msg at midnight that says "I'm back!!!". It was from Popeye.
- Had my first anal last night + crazy sex, courtesy of Popeye
- Popeye said he just signed on with a German company (Carpenter's song playing in the background)
- This might be his last visit in S'pore in a long time.
- I cried alone in the room after Popeye left.
- I'm an emo-wreck.

"They're not paying for sex because they want a relationship, silly. There will be others. There always are."
- Belle's A-Z of London Sex Work :: Belle De Jour :: pg 92

READ MORE » Don't Let It Go To Your Head

I Need To Be In Love

The hardest thing I've ever done
Is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world
For me
The way that people come and go
Thru temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say "No promises,
Let's keep it simple"
But freedom only helps you say
Good-bye
It took a while for me to learn
That nothin' comes for free
The price I've paid is high enough for me
I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted too much time
I know I ask perfection of
A quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's
What I'll find

So here I am with pockets full
Of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me
Tonight
I'm wide awake at four a.m.
Without a friend in sight
Hanging on a hope but I'm alright

:: Carpenters::

READ MORE » I Need To Be In Love

I Killed Marcus of Market Street

Iwish the earth would just open up and swallow me right now. Marcus must surely feel so disgusted and see me as a big-time slut. Not that i'm not but he didn't have to know.

No thanks to me.

I texted Marcus by mistake, the text that was meant for another 'customer'. I asked what time I should be at his door cos I have to be in the office by 10am. The thing is, just THIS morning, I paid Marcus a visit at his office. It was the best boardroom sex ever and he totally fucked my socks off.

Marcus, is not a paying customer. Well, he did the first time but I've grown so fond of him that I keep him lingering around my little finger just so that I can fuck him for my own satisfaction. We do it in his office boardroom everytime and this morning, I woke up extra early, just to give him a visit. Did I mention that it was mind-blowing?

But after that text message boo-boo, I'm sure I've seen the last of him. Marcus can be such a stuck-up Brit that I intentionally give him that idea of exclusivity. And I want him to think that he's my one and only cos I'm so addicted to him. Now I can say goodbye to his white dick cos he's never gonna text me ever. He hasn't replied to my "Oops. Pls ingore that" text message. I hope his Blackberry got flushed down the toilet or something but its quite unlikely.

It could have been one of the best Fridays ever but I had to ruin it with my own carelessness. No one to blame but myself.

Goodbye Marcus.

I'm gonna miss Market Street.

READ MORE » I Killed Marcus of Market Street

(Not so) Rocksteady

Its the 'nobody-loves-me' time of the month again. I'm down with the blues and I can just feel that this emotional roller coaster is not healthy. Is it PMS. Again? So soon?

I'm suspecting it could be mild depression or something. Last time I felt this way, I walked into a wall, leaving a scar to prove it. And just now, I sorta spaced out while on the escalator down at the train station without realizing that my flair-pants had gotten stuck inbetween the steps. When I reached the bottom of the escalator and walked away, I felt the pull at my pants and saw what had happened.

One thing I realized whenever I'm caught in these situations is that - firstly, I don't panic or get alarmed. So I tugged at my pants, trying to 'unhook' it from the escalator steps, with a blank expression. Ok, perhaps I just looked rather pissed.

Second thing I noticed - is that blank expression.

And thirdly, this is the one that got me thinking - I never, ever, cry out for help.

As I continued to pull hard at the bottom of my pants that was stuck, I also had to stand against the current of people who were coming down the escalator. Yet, not the littlest voice came out from me. I realised that I had almost gathered a pool of onlookers behind me. The kind who don't know whether they should go help, or go get help for me.

I was just worried that my entire pants could get ripped out. Thankfully, my cotton pants almost quickly gave way and tore at its end, releasing it from the escalator steps. As I turned to walk away, the few stand-byers anticipated for some sorta response, but I simply walked away, like nothing happened.

As I tapped myself out of the train station, spotting a grungily tattered pair of pants, my mom's voice ringed in my head.

"Why didn't you cry out for help?", as she listened to me rattle about my walk-into-wall incident.

That's when I too questioned myself... Have I forgotten how to ask for help?

Perhaps, I don't know how to ask for help, not used to asking for help because all this while I've always had to be the strong, independent one. I needed to be the rock solid one who can handle everything.

Right now I'm feeling like I need help. I just don't have anyone to ask...

xoxo

READ MORE » (Not so) Rocksteady

Not lost, just wandering...

It's a fucked up day. Screwed up almost everything. Managed to somehow upset a few other people. Got a splitting headache from crying my brains out this morning. Definitely not a good day to step out. Oh look, now its raining. Perfect.



xoxo

READ MORE » Not lost, just wandering...

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Had a Lambert-full Friday. What can I say, the guy is perfect in his own imperfect ways.

Feeling really tired right now but can't sleep before I get this out *think- Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart*...

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you


'Popeye' and I ended it just nw at abt 2am. It was blatant and painful but I blame it upon myself for getting emotionally involved. "Falling in love... relationships... are things that happen to other people"...

Why do I keep forgetting that?

*Ouchhh*

*Err.. not helping much*

*Ok enough damage done. Point noted*

xoxo.

READ MORE » Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart