Showing posts with label Gordon Brown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gordon Brown. Show all posts

The Snot Gobblers Guide to the Galaxy

This is a first for this blog. I couldn't have put this better myself, so I'm not going to try

What follows is an excellent review of Gordon Brown's new book by Supertzar.

When you read Tony Blair's response to the coalition's plans, when you consider the ideas Frank Field had to transform welfare in Britain, when you look at the spectacular growth in ultimately ineffective tick-box City compliance, when you consider the £6bn the UK Exchequer lost from selling the country's gold reserves or the decimation of private sector pensions, when you consider which country alone had a run on its banks or look at the level of indebtedness and structural defecit in the UK, you begin to notice a thread.

It's quite clear that the country has paid a high price for the grandiose delusions of Gordon Brown. Whether delaying welfare reform, jacking up taxes with precious little to show for it, reducing the UK's competitiveness, increasing spending in huge (Labour voting) swathes of the country to Soviet levels or crushing incentives to create the wealth we need to both close the defecit and pay down the £1 in every £4 spent that we currently borrow, this deranged, abusive, out-of-control lunatic has his hands all over the crime scene.

Having failed the first test of democracy he has faced outside of his constituency, one might expect Gordon Brown to have spent his time reflecting on his 'contribution' to the UK. Or perhaps make amends by devoting his time to serving his constituents. Not a bit of it. At the date of publication, the poor deluded folk of Kircaldy and Cowdenbeath have been represented in parliament for a mere handful of the 200 odd days for which their MP has been paid. Instead, Gordon Brown has devoted his time to knocking off this 300-page exercise in personal exculpation.

As he notes in his introduction, Brown is neither a financial expert nor an economist. Which might explain, but does not excuse, his lamentable diagnosis of the causes of the financial meltdown he fomented. It was all bankers paying themselves too much apparently. If only they'd paid themselves 10% less, all would have been fine. What about if public sector payrises had been pegged to inflation or a certain Chancellor hadn't raided - and thus destroyed - private sector pensions or what if the banking regulation system that had worked for hundreds of years had been left in place or what if the asset bubble had received some attention by, say, increasing the banks' capital adequacy ratios?

You can take your pick of brilliant hindsight-derived ideas, Gordon, but ultimately, you were in charge and your delusions about abolishing boom and bust meant you spent so much of our money, we now have to borrow just to pay off the interest. Your diagnosis is utter delusion from start to finish.

Nurse, the screens please...
READ MORE » The Snot Gobblers Guide to the Galaxy

I'm back - and so's Gordon!

Well, I'm back. Totally shagged out after two 11 hour flights, so you'll hopefully forgive me if I am a little lethargic in picking up the reigns again...

Meanwhile, here's a little I-Spy that I spotted out of the window at LA airport :


My God, I thought Blair had some money making ideas, but getting your face painted on the tail fin of every jet in the Air Alaska fleet? No wonder they got rid of Sarah Palin!

(Note for Ian Hislop : You can have this one for the I-Spy section in the Eye, but rest assured I will deal with you later. Watch this space...)
READ MORE » I'm back - and so's Gordon!

Bye Bye New Labour

The New Labour nightmare is over at last, so why not commemorate the occasion with a reworking of a Bob Dylan classic?


READ MORE » Bye Bye New Labour

Oh Shit! It's the 2018 World Cup!


Just when you thought is was all over for another four years and you were coming to terms with yet another boring football season being foisted upon us, news this week that the FIFA inspectors have arrived to inspect England's facilities in connection with their 2018 World Cup bid.

Frankly, I can't believe that having successfully bid for an Olympics that we have no money to pay for, that discreditted load of shitbags known as the Brown government has dropped us in it for another load of pretentious, unaffordable flag waving.

It's time this country came to terms with the fact that we don't actually have any money - something the coalition keeps ramming home. So where exactly is the money going to come from to pay for this load of gobshite!?

And if you want any more evidence that this was thought up by a load of fucking idiots, take a look at the picture above - 3 cunts for the price of one!
READ MORE » Oh Shit! It's the 2018 World Cup!

Extinction watch

The WWF has added another species to it's list of animals at risk of extinction.

Pictured on the left trying to blend into a crowd of Homo Sapiens, the Brownus LieBorii, or the Lesser Spotted Brown Snotgobbler to give it it's more common name, is thought to be the last of it's kind.

The last Snotgobbler in captivity, named 'Gordon', escaped recently from its cage in Downing Street and is believed to be lying low somewhere in Scotland.

It is easily identified by its strange smile and its mating call of "Bigot! Bigot!" If anyone knows where it is, please don't call us.
READ MORE » Extinction watch

Send Gordon a message...

You lucky people! You can now send your late lamented PM a message on his bright shiney new web site.

I tried to send him this one :


Give it a try. You just got to http://www.gordonbrown.org.uk/contact_me , put in your greeting, and click on the "Send to Gordon" button.  

You get this friendly response :

It was probably designed by Alistair Campbell...

READ MORE » Send Gordon a message...

Building Schools for the Future (BSF)

Much has been said recently about the BSF program introduced by Labour. Well, they got the first two letters right anyway...

The teaching unions have been marching in London about the cancellation of the programme to rebuild deteriorating schools and to build new ones. Yet another NIMBY protest about cuts.

So as we are talking about cuts, let's cut right through the bullshit :

Exactly how many school building projects have been cancelled by the new government? Exactly how many refurbishment projects have been cancelled? Well, in both cases the answer is exactly NONE!

These projects have been POSTPONED - note POSTPONED not CANCELLED - until the money is available and the contracts have been examined to ensure that the contractors have not been ripping us off. When we have done this and the money is available, the projects will go ahead. Pardon me for being naive, but I always thought you could not spend money you do not have - something that our financial and economic genius Gordon Brown seemed unable to comprehend!

And while the teachers are holding their NIMBY protests in London, let's examine the morals of a few of them. Did you know, for example, that many women teachers - a friend of mine included - make a point of returning from maternity leave two weeks before the end of term so that they qualify to be paid during the school holidays?

Fucking hypocrites...
READ MORE » Building Schools for the Future (BSF)

I Spy

I suppose someone had to love him......

I thought the brown rose would be particulary appropriate as the new Labour logo 
READ MORE » I Spy

Brown to head new Political Party

+ + + + STOP PRESS + + + +

Breaking news is that Gordon Brown is to return to front line politics as head of a new political party.

The new party is to be called the "Coalition of Unions, Nationalists and Tree-huggers." C.U.N.T. is to be formed by disaffected Trades Union funded MPs who have lost faith in the New Labour ideal together with members of the four UK Nationalist Parties and supporters of the eco-lobby.
Emerging from his hiding place in his Scottish constituency, Mr Brown explained what he has been up to whilst out of the public eye :

"I have been persuaded by my fellow CUNTs that at this time of great difficulty, the country needs a new political direction and a strong leader - namely me."

"This new party draws from the great Trades Unions movement that stands for the rights of the working classes everywhere. It gives voice to the Nationalists amongst us and strenghtens the all important green voice."

"None of the other parties encompass all these things. We want to be inclusive."

"We believe that we have a real chance of gaining seats in the next European Elections due to the fairness of the proportional voting system that I have always fought for. We have already recieved strong support from the European Parliament where we have been welcomed by the many CUNTs who already sit there."

The acting leader of the Labour Party, Harriet Harman, welcomed the move, saying "It will be common knowledge that I have always supported getting more CUNTs onto the front benches."

Prime Minister, David Cameron, commented "This new party is clearly the natural home for Gordon and I wish him well."
READ MORE » Brown to head new Political Party

Queen speaks out!

READ MORE » Queen speaks out!

That election result in full!

READ MORE » That election result in full!

Timing is everything

At last! I have been highly critical over the last few weeks of the lack of policy statements coming out of the Conservative Party.

When this campaign started at the beginning of the year, I understood why David Cameron was reluctant to put detailed policies on paper. Only an idiot would give his opponents the opportunity to steal their policies and present them as their own - and let's be honest, Labour are experts at doing precisely that.

Even in Thursday night's debate, I felt that Cameron did not nail Brown by coming out with concrete promises and guarantees, and consigning the Labour scaremongerng machine to the dustbin of history.

Well, I'm sorry Dave. I apologize. Your leaflet today leaves me in no doubt that I have greatly underestimated you because here it is at last.

I'm also sorry that I waited until today to vote, because like many others I was swayed by the polish and style of the LibDem performance. But while I think the electoral system is wrong, I'm not going to pay for changing it by giving amnesties to illegal immigrants and joining the Euro.

But there is one thing I am not sorry about - watching the death throes of a man who has done more damage to this nation than Hitler. Better start booking the removal van, Gordon - and good riddance!

I am now beginning to really believe that the Labour nightmare is drawing to a close - and frankly I can't wait to see the destruction of Brown by his own party once the voting is over. Never has it been more richly deserved.

My vote is in the post. Now let's get on with sorting this shambles out...
READ MORE » Timing is everything

Gordon Brown - I Dreamed a Dream

Here's Gordon doing Susan Boyle (makes a change from him doing Gillian Duffy - I feel for the woman!)



Thanks to Rory Bremner for the vocals
READ MORE » Gordon Brown - I Dreamed a Dream

Come clean Cleggy - who ya gonna sleep with?

Tonight's the night of the third debate - but I bet no-one is going to put these questions forward :

To Cameron and Brown : What are you going to promise Nick Clegg to get him in bed with you?

To Nick Clegg : Can you trust either of these buggers to honour their promises?

First it's Labour, then you can't work with Brown, then you can again. It's not inspiring me with confidence...

I think we have a right to have these questions answered before we decide where to put our votes.

And just in case you need a lighter note, here's a cracking litte Clegg song I nicked off YouTube (Thanks to TommyReckless - nice one!)


READ MORE » Come clean Cleggy - who ya gonna sleep with?

The Wonder of You


From the BBC : 'Gordon Brown has attacked Conservative NHS plans - and been joined by an Elvis impersonator - as he sought to "up the tempo" of Labour's election campaign.'

I tried desperately to find something funny or witty to say about this, but frankly I just couldn't find anything more farcical than the reality. Will this idiot stop at nothing? God help us all!
READ MORE » The Wonder of You

Three men in a boat called "Britain"


In the words of a poet called Robert Calvert :

Rowing, rowing,
Going nowhere
What do we care
If we get there?
Rowing, glowing,
Showing such flair
We're three men in a boat.

READ MORE » Three men in a boat called "Britain"

Sing-a-long-a-Gordon returns!

To commemorate the latest unemployment figures, here's my interpretation of Clapton's 'Layla' (sorry, Eric)



"What'll I do now I am jobless?
And I'm living on the dole...."

I really would like some other suggestions for Clegg & Cameron - it just seems too easy to be hitting Gordon all the time. But then again, he's a very easy target and he deserves it.
READ MORE » Sing-a-long-a-Gordon returns!

Desperate Gor-Dan


An "anti-Tory alliance", Gordon?  Christ you really are desperate!

Go on! Jump! Please.
READ MORE » Desperate Gor-Dan

Let's play "Fantasy Government"

In the event of a LabServative Democrat government who would you like to see in the cabinet ?



The rules are simple - people have to be real and alive, but other than that you can have anyone. After all, Gordon does it that way doesn't he? You can give reasons if you like for any or all, serious or satirical.

I will reward a generous prize for the winner. My decision is final. No appeals to the European Court will be allowed. The prize is 10p - so you can use it to phone someone who gives a shit...

Here are my selections for the Fantasy Cabinet. Let's see yours!

Prime Minister : David Cameron (a toff always looks good)
Deputy Prime Minister : Nick Clegg (lost the toss of a coin with Cameron)
Chancellor : Vince Cable (best man in the wrong party in my view)
Foreign Secretary : William Hague (no-one patronises foreigners quite like him)
Home Secretary : Nick Clegg (Labour used this post to keep people out of the way)
Business & Consumer Affairs : Esther Rantzen (obvious choice)
Justice : Norman Lamb (he's actually a lawyer, which I would have thought could be handy)
Environment : Dick Sawbridge (demonstrates practical knowledge in the field)
Transport : Jeremy Clarkson
Defense : John Prescott (no-one would dare attack us with him in charge!)
Speaker : Jeremy Paxman (if Paxo can't get them to shut up, no-one can)
Energy : Simon Hughes (one Nick got right)
Europe : Nigel Farage (talks bollocks, so should fit in well)
Health : Gerry Robinson (Is there actually a doctor in any of the three party teams?)
Pensions : Teresa May (I wanted Barbara Castle, but she's dead and it seems Dave got this one right)
Northern Ireland : Gordon Brown (with luck they may shoot the bugger)
Scotland : Alex Salmond (let's face it, he's got the job anyway)
Wales : John Redwood (did such a good job last time)
Education : David Laws (seems to me Nick got this one right too)
Chief Whip : Peter Mandelson (You need a nasty, sneeky underhand bugger in that job)

What do you think ?
READ MORE » Let's play "Fantasy Government"

BROWN OUT - A good or bad thing?

Two nations seperated by a common tongue
READ MORE » BROWN OUT - A good or bad thing?