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Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Film sweeps Oscars...
One film has reigned supreme at the Oscars this year.
"The President's Speech" follows the touching and heartwarming story of a black man from Hawaii as he overcomes a rich, priviledged upbringing and struggles through Columbia University, Harvard Law School and the U.S. Senate to become the 44th President of the United States.
The film culminates in his historic speech at his inauguration promising much and yet, at the same time, saying nothing. The film gives hope to politicians all over the world, whatever their humble beginnings.
Washington protests continue
Anti-government protests are continuing in Washington today as thousands gather for yet another day in front of the Capitol building and round the Washington and Lincoln memorials.
Protesters are demanding that President Barrack Obama step down from office and that the right wing regime move towards full and proper democracy. So far there has been little reaction from Obama although the state controlled media are reporting the demonstrations as 'dangerous and undemocratic'.
The army and the National Guard has been surrounding the demonstrators but so far show no stomach for taking direct action. Some skirmishes have taken place between pro-Presidential supporters and the protesters and last night, the fourth night of this protest, several people were injured. The government has denied that the CIA was responsible for orchestrating the violence in order to influence public opinion against the demonstrators.
Chants of "Revolution! Revolution!" and "Democracy now!" have resounded around the Capitol where the administration is in emergency session to decide what to do next.
A spokesman for the Arab League said "We have demonstrated that people power in Tunisia and Egypt can bring down these authoritarian and corrupt regimes and replace them with a truly democratic process by the people for the people. We urge the American President to demonstrate his commitment to bring this about in the United States. Change needs to happen now, and it needs to be meaningful."
Sources close to President Obama commented "He is going nowhere. He has a degree in obstinacy."
A message from the Supreme Leader
The time for action is nearly upon us! Soon we will be faced with the opportunity to bring down this wicked fascist government and return power to our glorious party.
The dictatorship has played into our hands with their spending cuts. They spread the lie that we can make these cuts and still deliver front line services. It is essential that we all do our best to dispel this wicked lie and demonstrate to the people that only we are fit to run the country!
I commend to you the efforts of our comrades in Manchester who will be closing libraries, youth centres and leisure centres.
They will slash bin collections at a stroke. Many deprived families will have to find their own housing. Streets will not be cleaned. You will have to pay to park in Manchester on Sunday for the first time. Thousands of jobs will be lost. Only our essential management team will be left untouched so that the pain inflicted by the dictatorship can be managed and publicised!
Our friends in the unions have pledged that they will throw their weight behind us with protests and strikes to demonstrate that these policies must be overthrown at all costs.
Only I, your supreme leader, can make our country great again!
Your Supreme Leader
Superbug pandemic confirmed
Well, I am sad to have to announce that in recent weeks the disease has reached pandemic status.
The bug has already been responsible for thousands of deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan, and there are unconfirmed rumours of an outbreak in Iran.
The recent events in Tunisia indicate that there may be the start of an outbreak there, and over the past week there have been many cases reported in Cairo. The authorities in Egypt have confirmed that there have been a number of deaths reported.
A spokesman for the international health organisation 'Mediciens sans Scrupulo' says that nothing much can be done under the prevailing circumstances and believes that regimes must change in order to bring this bug under control.
So far, the only country that seems to be uneffected is the United States. A White House representative told us : "4nPolyC has so far not worried us in the US. We believe that we have the finest system in the world for dealing with things and if everyone else did it our way, then the world would be a better and safer place."
Doctors warn that there may be a danger of the disease mutating into something far more worrying. Already another strain 4nCIA may already be in situ in other countries...
Queen leads by example!
So Buckingham Palace announced today that in the true spirit of "we're all in it together", the queen is to take up employment.
"One is only too aware aware of the problems facing the country and in particuar the ordinary working man," she said in a statement. "One wishes to show you all that no work should ever be considered beneath one."
Her majesty, pictured here in her new uniform, will be donating her wages to the government to help pay for her grandson's upcoming wedding.
In a reciprocal gesture, her employers have agreed to provide the wedding breakfast.
Music for the Royal Wedding
News just out that Leaping Lord Lloyd-Webber of Lambourne is a bit pissed off about the Royal Wedding. Apparently he expects to be asked to compose a special piece of music for the occassion, the fucking arrogant little twat!
He's probably also not too pleased to find out that geriatric has been musicado Paul McCartney has been invited to play at the Palace at the reception party. Well, it was never going to be Ozzy Ozbourne was it?...
I dunno - first a second hand ring and then a second rate rocker!
Anyway, as we are trying to keep the costs down, I thought it only fair to offer my musical services to the happy couple free of charge. Here's my suggestions for my set at the nuptial gig (original artists in brackets) -
- I'm Not in Love (10cc)
- Every Day I Love You Less and Less (Kaiser Chiefs)
- Don't Marry Her (Beautiful South)
- Only Love Can Break Your Heart (Neil Young)
- You're Gonna Lose That Girl (Beatles)
- Nothing Lasts Forever (Echo & the Bunnymen)
- Smack My Bitch Up (Prodigy)
- I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock and Roll (Nick Lowe)
- Grounds for Divorce (Elbow)
- Heaven Knows I'm miserable now (Smiths)
- 50 ways to Leave Your Lover (Paul Simon)
- Marriage is for Old Folks (Nina Simone)
- A Punchup at a Wedding (Radiohead)
- William, It Was Really Nothing (Smiths)
- A Cunt Like You (Whitehouse)
- Too Drunk to Fuck (Dead Kennedys)
- It's All Over Now (Rolling Stones)
Charles & Camilla to dance on ice
Exciting news that Charles and Camilla have been secretly recorded practicing for an appearance on the BBC's "Dancing on Ice".
The pair are apparently great fans of the program and have agreed to take part in the next series. Charles said, "It's been going frightfully well apart from when the silly old trout crashed into me and we both ended up flat on our arses. Haw, haw..."
Camilla said, "It's nearly as frightening as taking a shortcut up Regent Street in the Rolls! I wasn't sure I had the legs for that short skirt, but then Charles told me that if Ann Widdecombe could do it, anyone could. I just hope that we don't end up looking like a pair of fools..."
Sorry, dear - I'm afraid it's a bit late to worry about that...
Royal Wedding souvenirs go on sale!
Get your official limited edition souvenir mugs of the forthcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Makes the perfect Christmas gift!
Only £35 - and all proceeds go to the Royal Collection Trust
Sure to sell out fast, so order now.
Sure to sell out fast, so order now.
Just the gift for Christmas...
Following the success of our range of Papal Visit souvenirs, here's our selection of must have presents for this Christmas :
MICROWAVABLE SLIPPERS
Do you suffer from cold feet and wish there was a simple way to keep them warm? Well now you can with our super slippers!
Just pop them in the microwave for a couple of minutes and they'll keep your tootsies warm for hours.
Only £14.99 with free delivery
GOLD LACED FIZZ
Worried about the credit crunch? Well stuff it! We all need a bit of bling to cheer us up so here's our quality sparkling wine laced with real flakes of edible gold.
Decadent or what?
Get stuck in for £29.99
STEALTH LAPTOP CASE
Don't be a sap and get caught lugging that valuable laptop around in it's expensive executive case - slip into something stealthier. This case is indistinguishable from a real envelope and only costs £16.99
Also available in manilla from your Post Office for 99p
2011 CALENDARS
Don't settle for just any ordinary boring calendar for the coming year - go for something different with one of the following :
* The Best of British Roundabouts
* Birmingham's Outer Circle Bus Route
* Her Majesty's Prisons
A great talking point for only £9.99 each
PLOP TRUMPS
Have you ever wondered if zebra poop is harder than pig plop? Or if doggy doo smells worse than kestrel crud? Of course you have. And that’s why you need Plop Trumps.
This game of one upmanship is complete shite and it's only £5.99
* * * Want to take a guess at how many of these you think are real? * * *
READ MORE » Just the gift for Christmas...
Do you suffer from cold feet and wish there was a simple way to keep them warm? Well now you can with our super slippers!
Just pop them in the microwave for a couple of minutes and they'll keep your tootsies warm for hours.
Only £14.99 with free delivery
GOLD LACED FIZZ
Worried about the credit crunch? Well stuff it! We all need a bit of bling to cheer us up so here's our quality sparkling wine laced with real flakes of edible gold.
Decadent or what?
Get stuck in for £29.99
Don't be a sap and get caught lugging that valuable laptop around in it's expensive executive case - slip into something stealthier. This case is indistinguishable from a real envelope and only costs £16.99
Also available in manilla from your Post Office for 99p
Don't settle for just any ordinary boring calendar for the coming year - go for something different with one of the following :
* The Best of British Roundabouts
* Birmingham's Outer Circle Bus Route
* Her Majesty's Prisons
A great talking point for only £9.99 each
PLOP TRUMPS
Have you ever wondered if zebra poop is harder than pig plop? Or if doggy doo smells worse than kestrel crud? Of course you have. And that’s why you need Plop Trumps.
This game of one upmanship is complete shite and it's only £5.99
* * * Want to take a guess at how many of these you think are real? * * *
Thomas goes ashore
Continuing his exciting holiday on Misty Island, today watch as Thomas goes ashore...
READ MORE » Thomas goes ashore
Thomas and the Lost Luggage
Have you ever had one of those starts to a holiday?
You know - where you fly all the way to Chile only to find that your luggage is taking a city break in Madrid? And then when two of your bags actually turn up the next day at Easter Island, one has decided it simply can't tear itself away from Santiago?
Well this is how it feels...
READ MORE » Thomas and the Lost Luggage
You know - where you fly all the way to Chile only to find that your luggage is taking a city break in Madrid? And then when two of your bags actually turn up the next day at Easter Island, one has decided it simply can't tear itself away from Santiago?
Well this is how it feels...
The Quango Song (What a Waste!)
Look - just 'cos I'm out flying somewhere over the ocean doesn't mean that I can't just interject the odd nugget...
Here's a song I did with my favourite backing group, the Blockheads, to commemorate, hopefully, burning (or in this case drowning) all those quangos - although I'll believe it when I see it
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READ MORE » The Quango Song (What a Waste!)
Here's a song I did with my favourite backing group, the Blockheads, to commemorate, hopefully, burning (or in this case drowning) all those quangos - although I'll believe it when I see it
Video hosting by
Lying Eyes (The Miliband mix)
This one was, frankly, too obvious to miss so I just had to do it!
Here's a version of the Eagles' classic "Lyin' Eyes" suitably adapted to take account of Red Ed's piercing stare...
READ MORE » Lying Eyes (The Miliband mix)
Here's a version of the Eagles' classic "Lyin' Eyes" suitably adapted to take account of Red Ed's piercing stare...
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Dear National Grid...
Apparently, the site was next to a hydro electric plant and the festival was powered by plugging into their equivalent of the National Grid. Now, I thought that by plugging into the Grid for their power, they were taking a mixture of energy sources connected to the grid at that time, not just the one next door.
But the BBC cannot possibly be talking bollocks. It's the BBC.
So please can you arrange for my house to only recieve power from green, renewable energy sources in the future rather than all these sources that pollute the planet. I'm not sure how you do this, but if the BBC says it can be done, then I am sure you know the answer.
Looking forward to being able to push the big green power button,
Yours sincerely,
Ivor Bigbottie,
Green Acres,
Lower Carbon,
NE1 4T.
Thomas and the Shadow Cabinet
See the Fat Controller, Red Ed Miliband, select his team from the engines at Tidworth Sheds.
It's nearly as ridiculous as the real thing...
READ MORE » Thomas and the Shadow Cabinet
It's nearly as ridiculous as the real thing...
The Ratshitter Rap
As I seem to be on a roll this week taking the piss out of the catholic church - and let's face it, it ain't difficult - here's something for the weekend...
Pope Benedict XVI does 'The Ratshitter Rap'
READ MORE » The Ratshitter Rap
Pope Benedict XVI does 'The Ratshitter Rap'
+ + + + + STOP PRESS + + + + +
My good friend, Old Nick tells me that I have just been nominated for burning at the stake for this little piece of 'heresy'...
My good friend, Old Nick tells me that I have just been nominated for burning at the stake for this little piece of 'heresy'...
Red Miliband - the new single !
As promissed yesterday, here is the exciting new single from Red Miliband's solo album :
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READ MORE » Red Miliband - the new single !
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Red Ed to release solo album !
News just out that "Red Ed" Miliband has split from Los Milibandos and is to release a solo album...
P.S. - A note for Ian fucking Hislop :
Feel free to steal this post for the Eye, but this time at least give me a byline - which is more than you did last time.
READ MORE » Red Ed to release solo album !
Comprising cover versions of well known songs, here's the track list with original artists in brackets :
- The Carnival is Over (Seekers)
- Leader of The Gang (Gary Glitter)
- Dance With The Devil (Cozy Powell)
- He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (Hollies)
- We're All Crazy Now (Slade)
- He's Gonna Step On You Again (John Kongas)
- Brothers in Arms (Dire Straits)
- Gonna Get Along Without You (Viola Wills)
- The Harder I Try (Brother Beyond)
- Tired of Toeing the Line (Rocky Burnette)
- I Scare Myself (Thomas Dolby)
- Road to Hell (Chris Rea)
- Wishful Thinking (China Crisis)
- Dreams Are 10 a Penny (Kincade)
- Shattered Dreams (Johnny Hates Jazz)
P.S. - A note for Ian fucking Hislop :
Feel free to steal this post for the Eye, but this time at least give me a byline - which is more than you did last time.
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