Showing posts with label your country is fucked. Show all posts
Showing posts with label your country is fucked. Show all posts

Wedding from Hell: Surviving Tsunamis

 Just another day in the neighborhood.


Good god. Let's never do that again, shall we? I am about to weave you a tale that would make the children from Lemony Persnicket's "Unfortunate Events" gnash their teeth in anxiety. Putting it shortly, everything was a freakin' abomination of Biblical proportions.

In that "wrath of god" way, let's talk about the biggest calamity, and one that's not terrible humorous: Japan's 9.0 earthquake off the Sendai Coast, in the Honshu Prefecture. If you think 9.0 sounds pretty massive, that's because it is...It is the 4th largest earthquake in recorded history: And, because of the algorithm used, it actually winds up being about 1000 times more powerful than the ones that struck Kobe and Haiti. And that ignores the hundreds of magnitude 5-6.6 quakes that were started all along the Ring of Fire...


Hundreds....Everywhere.
Surrounded by water, and unstable earth for thousands of miles.


And, as the people of the Pacific Rim could tell you, yours truly included, this wasn't even the worst of what was to come...No, the worst --for that day, at least-- was the massive tsunami that was spawned. A tsunami isn't like a beach wave, that undulates in gently and floods everything...It's a buckling of the sea floor, which raises the water level by tens and dozens of feet. When you live near the coast, all it takes is 2-4 feet to flood you out. Japan got hit by an immediate 30 foot wall of water, killing tens of thousands and causing tens of billions of dollars of damage....


And it was without warning....


Sure, you say, that's Japan...What does that Island archipelago have to do with Hawaii, which is 2000 miles away?  Let me answer that with this observation. We, like Japan, are on a fault line; with our shores being simply seafloor ramps from the earth's bottom. That makes any sort of rise in the water level potentially deadly. And, since we largely live on the coasts, it makes any tsunami damage potentially crippling.

There's also the matter that Tsunami energy travels thousands of miles, largely unimpeded.



Note the Purple area of tsunami energy: It's half the size of Australia...


I'll spare you my evacuation details: Suffice it to say, I spent a sleepless night, with a dozen people from my wedding party, getting drunk in my office. After the dawn arose, we moved to a "tent city" further up the hill. The scariest part, as the tsunami is blasting us with 8-12 walls of water, you can't hear a thing...dead silence except for the sound of waves and water crashing that you normally here.

But it wasn't just a little splashing: It was an inundation along the West Coast. 53 homes destroyed, 1 swept off to sea, dozens of businesses and resorts damaged/destroyed, hundreds of people out of work, and $300 million dollars worth of damage in toll.

And this was a "small tsunami"


This guy is a dumbass, but I'm glad he was...
You can get an idea of what 8-12 feet of water coming at you looks like.
...and it went on for hours...



This says nothing of the irradiation coming our way via the trade winds, Japanese refugees, destroyed economies, and a week of dangerous surf, dangerous critters and god-knows-what washing up on the shores of Paradise.
But, one of the saddest things is that Pu'uhonua o' Honaunau, the City of Refuge, was destroyed (yes, where I was going to be married two days later). For two thousand years, this was a place of asylum for those who violated the caste system, committed taboo (kapu) acts, or were displaced survivors of war. If you made it to the city, you were granted clemency, if not then, like so many other acts in Hawaii at the time, you were killed.

We don't have pictures yet, but my understanding is that the Great Wall has been completely destroyed, the ancient canoe village washed out to sea, the great temple (heiau) damaged, and myriad human remains swept away and uncovered after hundreds of years of rest.



No word on the tikis...


 

Thus, while we were comparatively lucky, all is not right in paradise. And it's a damn shame. But, not a single person died here, and for that, we are even more fortunate.






-d.s.
READ MORE » Wedding from Hell: Surviving Tsunamis

Pessimism abounds...

I'm going to just leave this right here for your consumption....



It's just a simple Malthus Curve, showing the Peak Oil, which it appears that Saudi Arabia has already hit.

Pay attention to this curve, it's going to be important in a second.

So, a new study conducted by some high-minded intellectuals, researchers and scientists in D.C. tell use what we all sorta' secretly fear, and which rightly gives a good number of us pause. We are merely in the deep breath before the plunge. Your world truly is going to hell in a handbasket. 

How so, you ask? Well, besides the peak oil dimming the entire global economic machine, reducing entire swaths of the industrial world to an ill-prepared tribalism, we've got some other grim things to ponder...most notable of which is our friend, Malthus, the eccentric and pessimistic 18th century researcher that noted that human population will eventually outstrip food and resource production. That is, population grows geometrically, while supply grows arithmetically. 

The United Nations has predicted the global population will reach seven billion this year, and climb to nine billion by 2050, "with almost all of the growth occurring in poor countries, particularly Africa and South Asia," said John Bongaarts of the non-profit Population Council.

To feed all those mouths, "we will need to produce as much food in the next 40 years as we have in the last 8,000," said Jason Clay of the World Wildlife Fund at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS).

"By 2050 we will not have a planet left that is recognizable" if current trends continue, Clay said.
The swelling population will exacerbate problems, such as resource depletion, said John Casterline, director of the Initiative in Population Research at Ohio State University.



 Told y'all.






What this will create is an entirely bifurcated world of the uber-affluent, and everyone else. The "everyone else", will face extreme resource competition, be that lebensraum, comestibles, Pokemon trading cards, whatever. Then, in some sick fucking Galt's Gulch dystopia, increased militarization and ever-growing corporate hegemony ensues. End result? Total resource war.

We're already seeing the first pawns move in this game. If anyone had any doubts about the strategic importance of Afghanistan for the Baku oil pipeline; the presence of U.S. soldiers in Nigeria's oil fields; the isolation and surrounding of Venezuela --to say nothing of Saudi, Bahrain, UAE, Kuwait and Iraq, well, let me be the first to disabuse you of your naivete. We will be, and have been, the  agressor in this global resource grab. And, will, as the report predicts, be the ones to spur the resource wars and global conflicts over ever-scarcer goods. 



Prepare to see a lot more of this...



That is not to say that resource wars are the be-all end-all of civilization. In fact, most conflicts are over resources: be that reproduction opportunities, food, land, minerals...whatever. But, peaceniks holding out hope that things will get better? Not a chance. The board is set, the conditions are ripe, and it's time to watch the world burn now, I guess.


Sleep tight.





-d.s.


READ MORE » Pessimism abounds...

Stay warm, America...

Image via Nasa


Seriously, this some Old Testament, get-all-smite-y, wrath of God shit descending on you mainlanders. Stay warm & be safe. 

I'll just sit and suffer in 88 degree weather, sunshine and perfect nights.
J/K...I spent 6 years in Iowa, Nebraska and South Dakota. I'm entitled to shudder (and taunt) from afar.





-d.s.
READ MORE » Stay warm, America...

Your Country is Fucked: America. All of it.

Just a tease; just a tease. This not truly a "Your Country is Fucked", not really, in the sense that it includes painstaking, meticulous research.

Rather it's just a quick hitter to show each and every one of you, from no matter whence you hail, that not only is our entire country fucked, but the constituent parts thereof --even if taken in individual portions-- still represent their own unique font of suck, with varying degrees of fucked.





Awesome, I was born in the State with the Lowest teaching salaries, but was raised largely in the States with Highest deaths by motorcycle, Highest incidents of Stroke, and Highest HIV/AIDS rate. I was educated in Stroke-land, and the Most Corrupt, and Rape-iest States.

Professionally, I have worked in Strokes-ville, Most Sickly, Most Obese, and Rape-iest States. Also representing are Highest incidences of women-beating and the Oldest states.

I am presently employed, and loving, the State with the Highest Cost of Living.
(play along, it's fun).









-d.s.
READ MORE » Your Country is Fucked: America. All of it.

How do I love Romania, let me count the ways.

First, it's got a kick-ass book about the amazing life of Atilla Ambrus, the anti-hero described in Ballad of the Whisky Robber as:

the Robin Hood of Eastern Europe. He's the onetime pelt smugger, goaltender (possibly the worst in the history of pro hockey), pen salesman, Zamboni driver, gravedigger, church painter, roulette addict, building superintendent, whiskey drinker, and native of Transylvania who's decided that the best thing to do with his time is to rob as many banks as possible.


 Okay, so he's Hungarian (close enough, right?)


Second, it's got Roma (Gypsies), and Gypsie curses.

Double, double toil and trouble: witches in Romania are planning to cast a spell on the country's rulers because of laws that will force them to pay tax for the first time.

Cat excrement and dead dogs, rather than eye of newt and toe of frog, will go into their cauldron – but they are hoping to put a Macbeth-style hex on the country's president, Traian Basescu, and his government after the imposition of a tax regime aimed at tackling the recession.

Intriguing. Tell me more...


A dozen witches will hurl the poisonous mandrake plant into the river "so evil will befall them", a witch named Alisia said. The threatened curse is not being taken lightly in a country with a long tradition of superstition. Basescu and his aides have been known to wear purple on certain days in an attempt to ward off evil.

The new law is part of the government's drive to collect more revenue and crack down on tax evasion. It will force the likes of witches, astrologers and fortune tellers to register their professions and become liable for 16% tax in line with other self-employed Romanians.

The Queen witch Bratara Buzea said she would lead a chorus in casting a spell using a concoction of cat excrement and a dead dog. "They want to take the country out of this crisis using us? They should get us out of the crisis because they brought us into it," she said.


There's not much more to add to a story that kick-ass, other than to wish more power to the good occult Roma, and good luck in both your necromancy and tax evasion...



Where's Borat to defend me? I sense the evil eye of a Gypsy Witch
(Yes, she really is...went to prison and everything for it).



-d.s

READ MORE » How do I love Romania, let me count the ways.

David Cameron: Prime Minister...of Goth!

Absolutely brilliant episode of Prime Minister's questions, wherein PM David Cameron takes questions from the Members of Parliament...and confesses his love of The Smiths.

Too bad this guy is a Tory dipshit, but, hey, we can't all be perfect. And, at his age (44), I doubt very seriously I will be the leader of a puppet regime, a large, vibrant Western Democracy...although I am accepting applications for minion (concave.scream@yahoo.com)


Give it up for your Prime Minister of Goth.
Somehow, you gotta' think he'd approve of "the Queen is Dead"


tip' o the cap to Beth 
(who I totally adored in a past life!)



-d.s.

-d.s.
READ MORE » David Cameron: Prime Minister...of Goth!

Wikileaks: One in picture and one sentence...

Like everyone else, I'm still trying to digest the incredible diplomatic fallout from Wikileaks.

It's been interesting watching the roaches scurry now that the lights have been thrown on. So far, nothing seems to damaging: typical diplomatic name-calling, and our duplicity actually revealed. Although, even as far as the latter are concerned, anyone paying attention could tell you 3/4ths of the unstated policy aims of the American Empire without these cables.

For the nonce, until I can more fully ponder it, this lil' cartoon sums up Wikileaks detractors within the U.S. the best...



Yep, that pretty much sums it up...




-d.s.
READ MORE » Wikileaks: One in picture and one sentence...

Guess who's NOT on the "most peaceful countries" list?

What the fuck are you looking at?


That's right, the good ole' Yew Ess Aiiiieee is, surprisingly not at the top of the list of the world's most peaceful countries. As you'd expect, it's by and large Northern Europe/Scandinavia (they're at the top of every list dammit!). Also, ahead of the U.S. are such idyllic places like Cuba, China, North Korea, and Luxembourg. America is actually 85th.




In all fairness, those "peaceful" countries are just jealous of our ripped abs and our ability to easily access HGH and high quality tanning supplies...


So, the U.S. can be a rugged place. Like that's a fucking surprise. The country was founded by misfits, criminals, Irish/Scot white slaves indentured servants, brutal slave owners, genocide, colonialism,  manifest destiny, and a preternatural ability to drop trou and flash our package at Ye Ole' Europe while blasting the shit out of them with the 2.3 guns every American is obligated to own. 

Just kidding Europe, besides Nazis, we really only do that shit to brown and yellow people. 


 Ignore 400 years of this...



But, perhaps the most interesting, although unsurprising, part of the report is that fact that countries with high atheism are among the most peaceful on the planet. However, countries where the theocrats hold sway, tend to be much much more violent. (P < .001). This is a mind-blowing statistical significance. While correlation in no way equals causation, it is at least something to think about when settling down for a good long retirement. At the very least, it should give you pause when looking at those parts of our own nation where there is a church on every corner...




Kill in my name...Kill! Kill! Kill!!!
Muhahahahaaaa....
 
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READ MORE » Guess who's NOT on the "most peaceful countries" list?

Killing One Human Being is Killing Humanity as a Whole...

No snark, pithiness, or asshole commentary. Seriously, just an excerpt of the Turkish ambassador's speech to the UN Security Counsel yesterday, in the wake of Israel's murderous piracy in international waters. I am just as sick to my stomach as humanly possibly.

The full speech is available at Ankara's paper of record, The Hurriyet Daily:


Mr. President,
I appear before you today as a result of a very sad and tragic occasion where one state member of this august house has committed a serious crime in total disregard of all the values we have vowed to uphold since the establishment of the United Nations system.

I am distraught by the fact that the Israeli Defense Forces stormed a multinational, civilian endeavor carrying humanitarian aid to Gaza in international waters, 72 nautical miles off the coast to be exact, killing and wounding many civilians. This action was uncalled for. Israeli actions constitute a grave breach of international law.

In simpler terms, this is tantamount to banditry and piracy. It is murder conducted by a state. It has no excuses, no justification whatsoever. A nation state that follows this path has lost its legitimacy as a respectful member of the international community.

The multinational civilian flotilla composed of a few ships and a total of around 600 people from 32 countries, carrying humanitarian aid to impoverished Gaza was unlawfully ambushed early today. The sole aim of this civilian mission was to provide much needed relief to the children of occupied Gaza who have been under illegal and inhumane Israeli blockade for years. The ships were hardly a threat to the State of Israel or any other state for that matter. Humanitarian aid was on its way to children who have been stripped of their opportunities to live as children and enjoy all the basic amenities that your and our children take for granted. These children do not know where their next meal is coming from. They either have no shelter or live in extremely deprived conditions. They receive no education; they have no future where they can contribute to a peaceful and stable Palestine and region.

Mr. President,
The ships carry amenities and facilities such as playgrounds that would remind the children of their childhoods. They carry very basic needs like cancer medication and powder milk to enhance child growth and health in the absence of milk proper. The international community has been a witness to this humanitarian tragedy for years, failing to act. And today this is where we are. Today we have observed through live coverage an act of barbarism where provision of humanitarian aid has been punished through aggression in high seas, 72 miles from international waters. Today many humanitarian aid workers return in bodybags. And Israel has blood on its hands. This is not off the coast of Somalia or in the archipelagos of the Far East where piracy is still a phenomenon. This is the Mediterranean where such acts are not the norm. This is where we need common sense. This is where civilization has emerged and flourished and where the Abrahamic religions took root. These are religions that preach peace and teach us to extend our hands when others are in need.


Fuck Israel, fuck the Likud, fuck the bankrupt and immoral occupancy of the West Bank, fuck the immoral and bankrupt blockade, and fuck Washington for coddling this state sponsor of terror and band of pirating, war criminals. Shame on you all.





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READ MORE » Killing One Human Being is Killing Humanity as a Whole...

Your Country is Fucked: Belgium

National Motto: Don't Forget About Us!!!



Welkom in België (or, for the 40% who speak French, Bienvenue en Belgique), Welcome to Belgium; the land that Europe forgot, and that Americans couldn't point out on a map (although, in fairness, that doesn't say very much, since you'd be hard pressed to find an American who can name the states and their approximate location in his/her own country). To be honest, its location is a bit obscure, nestled on the West-Northwest North Sea coast between France, Germany and the Netherlands: It's really the taint of Western Europe.




If Europe were a frat boy, this would be the Belgian Money Shot...




Belgium is the living, breathing embodiment of American stereotypes of Europe. Seriously, we think of Europe as France, Britain and Germany (if we ever think of the continent at all), and the other nations are just "All Others". Belgium fits an ideal, Platonic exemplar of Euro-otherness: obscure topography; tiny (the size of Maryland); linguistically diverse (two official languages, with a smattering of German thrown in); abandoned monasteries; burned out castles; a Monarchy; lush farmland; densely populated city centers and, dear god, is it flat (highest altitude above sea level is 564 meters). Yes, Belgium has it all!



This is Belgium....





  And this is Belgium....




And this is Belgium...





 And this is Belgium.




Belgium is, like many North Sea nations, a constitutional Monarchy, complete with an heredity head of state, and a national assembly.  But, it wasn't always so stable and peaceful.  At one point in time, Belgium was full of hostile Gallic tribes, notable the Belgae, and the region was called Belgica by the Romans. But, the Romans (thanks Caesar!) conquered all of the Flemish tribes, and the Dutch/Germanic Walloons slowly started moving in from the West and North, culminating in the 5th Century assimilation of the region by Frankish kings (Thanks Charlemagne!). Thereafter, the region was roughly thought of as part of Frankia (when it was thought of at all...most of the big guns were a bit North in Frisia).




See those red lines in the Gallic Empire? Those were  borders, but then became the demarcations of Roman Roads. Guess how the Roads got there? Julius-Fucking-Caesar, that's how...





What came next for the Belgians was roughly a full thousand years of uninterrupted vassal-status. For a millenia (from the 843 Treaty of Verdun until the 1830 Independence), Belgium was divided, united, divided again, and absorbed by various European Overlords: The Franks, the Carolignians, the Holy Roman Empire, Frankia, the Hapsburgs, the French, the Dutch ad nauseum. But in 1830, Belgium bravely said "fuck this", and formed their own current form of government (mainly because no one felt it was worth the trip to crush the Belgians and remind them of their national serfdom).  
 

Actually, that's not true, the Brits actually dissolved the UK-Netherlands, and Belgium skulked off to form a country. It was a different age in Europe then; the Industrial revolution was in full swing, and folks that had been at war for thousands of years decided that it might be better to trade goods than take prisoners. Besides, with about 40 miles of coastline, a flooded coastal plain, and grey, downcast weather, no one really wanted Belgium; occupying it meant that someone would have to live there...Better it be the poor Belgians.






Rarely cited by history textbooks, the First Franco-Nederland War of Apathy erupted when France demanded that the Dutch occupy Belgium. To the outside world, this was a generous offer of treaty; to the knowledgeable observer, it was the biggest "Fuck You" since Martin Luther committed Onanism on the Wittenburg cornerstone...



 
Despite the majestic ruins and idyllic European countryside, Belgium is very much a modern nation. But, that modernity comes at a cost...a substantial one that places it at the whim of Arab oil, and truly fucks Belgium. See, Belgium has absolutely no natural resources whatsoever to sustain its economic engine. This nation of 10 million is the 114th smallest country on the planet, and the 98th least populated. However, 10 million Belgians trying to keep up in the EC/EU economies imports a shitload of oil and gas. Belgium is the 14th largest importer of oil, and the 36th largest importer of natural gas...on the planet. The country's main exports, if you can even call them exports are the excellent beet/sugar root crops, the world-renowned beers (especially Lambics), the phenomenal chocolates, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.




 Seriously, Belgium, you can have this one back....




Worse, 75% of the economy is service driven, and despite a quarter of the land being arable and sustainable, only 2% of the workforce is agricultural. Worse, the population is aging quickly, and public debt is a full 100% of GDP... Hmmm....older workforce, young unemployed heavily indebted, service jobs: where have we seen that before?








With austerity measures on the horizon, the economy being service-driven, an aging workforce, a palpable brain drain of talented young workers, and the pending demise of the pan-European economies, Belgium is facing a fiscal calamity. With its debt, it can't spend its way out of the recession. With a tiny army, and no international hostilities, it can't even take the American route: bomb brown people and let unemployed kids go overseas/get paid slave wages. In fact, the only positive thing going right now is the film In Bruges, which showcases the nation's sleepy beauty, and the fact that the EU has its headquarters in Brussels. All-in-all, not a positive prescription for long-term health.

Sorry Belgium, your country is fucked.




At least your women are a veritable buffet of hues and hotness...you'll always have that.




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READ MORE » Your Country is Fucked: Belgium

Friday has a theme....Belgium

and all things Belgian. I'm not sure why, probably because I watched In Bruges last night. Which if you havent seen, btw, is a bit on the dark side...but funny as hell.
Probably the hardest part about a Belgium Friday was the YouTube. I was surprised (or maybe not) to find that I couldn't immediately name any band from the nation. "Aborted", though, I recognize...
TGIF, world.




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READ MORE » Friday has a theme....Belgium

A tale of two countries...Canada wins.

What a juxtaposition. On the same day, two large, North American centrist democracies weighed environmental legislation...




In this corner, is Canada, with some of the Earth's most beautiful virgin forests. Long a haunt of commercial logging, Canada has finally stepped up to the plate to protect its wetlands, open range and forests. Per the BBC:


Timber companies and environment groups have unveiled an agreement aimed at protecting two-thirds of Canada's vast forests from unsustainable logging.
Over 72 million hectares are included in what will become the world's largest commercial forest conservation deal.
Logging will be totally banned on some of the land, in the hope of sustaining endangered caribou populations.
Timber companies hope the deal will bring commercial gains, as timber buyers seek higher ethical standards.
The total protected area is about twice the size of Germany, and equals the area of forest lost globally between 1990 and 2005.
"The importance of this agreement cannot be overstated," said Avrim Lazar, president and CEO of the Forest Products Association of Canada (FPAC).



  Tar balls coming ashore my native Alabama.



In this corner, is the United States. For some ridiculous reason having solely to do with protecting some of the largest corporations on Earth, the U.S. has a cap of a paltry $75 million dollars for oil spill liability. To put it mildly, the clean up of the spill in the Gulf could easily cost $10 billion. That limits BPs liability to less than 1/100th of a percent. The rest is to be shouldered by the taxpayers.
Naturally, this absurd limitation needs to be removed, or the cap raised, a matter Congress was to take up yesterday. But, per NBC News:

WASHINGTON - As an Obama administration official acknowledged lax regulation prior to the Gulf oil spill, Senate Democrats on Tuesday were foiled in their bid to dramatically lift a cap on oil companies' economic liability for spills.
President Barack Obama said he was disappointed that the proposal had stalled in the U.S. Senate, and blasted Republicans he said had stopped it.
"I am disappointed that an effort to ensure that oil companies pay fully for disasters they cause has stalled in the United States Senate on a partisan basis," Obama said in a statement.


So, there you have it. As Canada is trying to create sustainable forestry and ethical business practices to prevent an ecological collapse, American Republicans are shielding the 5th largest corporation on the planet; a company whose profits in four days could pay for the entire clean-up and mediation of the mess that itself created. Winner: Canada. Loser, the Gulf ecosystem, the Gulf economy, and the taxpayers.



What the fuck are you people doing down there, anyway?




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READ MORE » A tale of two countries...Canada wins.

Five Things Canada Should Apologize For...

 Hey buddy, fuck you coming and going.


I'm still pissed at Les Habitants, so, I think it's only fair that I should take a dump on America's Hat. Please know that I love you all, and, as soon as the Blackhawks destroy you in the Stanley Cup Finals, all will be forgiven. In the meanwhile, sorry Leanne, Jackie, Monkey, etc...


1. Pop Punk
While our friends in the great white north didn't invent this genre (nor, for that matter, popularize it), they sure as hell did master it. The result is a tapioca confection of fluff that lacks all aggression associated with punk, and features musicians as generally amiable as Americans are rude. Worse than Celine Dion in its inanity, worse than Hoobastank and Blink 182 in its formulaic anti-music, Canadian Pop Punk is the taint of the contemporary musical world.



If they make brain bleach, now is great time to reach for the jug....




2.  William Shatner
I know that many people disagree with this, but William Shatner is just an abortion of an actor. Some folks make a quick buck, or have their 15 minutes, based upon pure schlock and camp. But, hell, Shatner has made a fifty year career based upon tri-syllabic, hammy, overacted, cheesy horseshit. Doing nothing more than proclaiming that he's a ladykiller, Shatner has made an art and science of cashing in on mediocrity and the incredibly poor tastes of Americans.



Sadly, this fight scene is most authentic thing that Shatner has ever done.




3. Don Cherry
While Shatner has made a career by being god-awful, and Pop Punk has made a career by preying on newly-pubescent girls, Canada's broadcasting "legend" Don Cherry has made a career by A) dressing shitty and loudly, B) and providing sexist, xenophobic, pseudo-nationalistic rants against all other nationalities and persons except Canadian hockey players and Canadian soldiers. Russians? Fuck 'em. Europeans? Fuck 'em. Americans? Dirty slow bastards. Women? Get in the kitchen. Just picking one or two at random, here you go, and, apparently Canadians love it:


Always women, yapping away...



Crazier than a damned sack full of weasels...



4. Alberta, especially its tar sands
What do you get if you take the American out of Wyoming, throw in a shitload of cold, methed-up yokels, and then add the worst ongoing environmental catastrophe in North America? Alberta: Canada's version of a frozen Texas. Alberta is, frankly, nothing but "cowboys", oil workers, and miles upon miles of gas fields and industrial detritus. Two parts Midwest, one part redneck, all asshat. It would figure that given BC's natural beauty, it has to be balanced out by Alberta's give-not-one-shit attitude towards the environment. Think I'm joking? Ever heard of "tar sands"? One of the hardest-to-extract, polluting sources of nasty energy on the planet? Shit, you might as well eat some Spotted Owls during your lunch break at the coal-fired, mountain removal mine.

Unsurprisingly, Alberta also manufactures the environmental nightmare known as Hybrid Batteries.



5. WTF? They're babies!!!
The worst offense of Canada though is its continued slaughter of baby Harp Seals. Harp seals are noted the world-over for being one of the most gentle, trusting, playful, and generally cute animals in the Northern Hemisphere...


If you put "cute" in the dictionary, this is Exhibit A.


These creatures are currently being slaughtered at a rate that would make the American Buffalo blush...last year in Canada 270,000 of these animals were murdered for purely commercial reasons. The "sustainable rate", that is, how many could be killed without adversely impacting the population and reproductive success was 165,000. And, as documented by conservation agencies, over 60,000 pups have been killed this year...just for the fuck of it...They weren't even used for food or fur; their dead bodies were just tossed back into the ocean.



The destruction of the harp seal is the greatest marine extermination in history...and it goes on every year, sanctioned by law, by the nation of Canada.


If you needed just one reason to hate Canada, or require that country to apologize to the world, then this alone is it. Oh Canada....fuck you.




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READ MORE » Five Things Canada Should Apologize For...

Your Country is Fucked: Iceland

Iceland: Not just another pretty face...






Icelandic women, however, totally pretty faces...

Velkomin to Ísland (apparently, this is how one says 'welcome' to a mixed-gender group in Iceland). This island nation, about the size of Kentucky, has long remained one of the world's best kept secrets for its natural beauty. And, it's going to have to get by on natural beauty, because, gods know, you can't grow shit here, since less than 1% of the surface is arable land. Iceland, is a relatively mild climactic islandwith plateaus, sandy shorelines, and, as you've probably heard, an active volcano or so. 



Eyjafjallajökull..I'll give you $5 if you pronounce it correctly. BTW: It sounds nothing like it looks.



All of the warm Atlantic Gulf Stream waters, the glaciers on the island, and the volcanic activity produces one of Iceland's chief industries: Tourists boiling themselves alive in geyser waters. And tourism factors heavily in the nation's economy, especially in the capital of Reykjavik, a hotspot for the young, hip and upwardly mobile. Then again, tourism is going to have to float a lot of the economy since the other 40% is dependent on commercial and sustenance fishing.



This or fishing. Take your pick.



Iceland's history is also fascinating, for a completely reclusive island with an isolated linguistic heritage. Iceland was "discovered" in the age of the great Viking raids, probably around 847 by the Norwegian chieftan, Ingólfur Arnarson. For a couple more centuries (say, about 600-700 years), Danes and Norwegians wintered here during their western voyages to Greenland and Vinland, protected from the notoriously hostile autumn/winter storms in the Atlantic and North Sea. However, since the late 13th century, Norway and Denmark took turns claiming it as part of their respective kingdoms until the island became independent. 




 Hell, it's covered by glaciers, but it's still warmer than Norway! Unpack the boat, lads.





But, for an uber-dork like me, the greatest accomplishment is the Althing, the oldest continuous codification of law in the world. Founded in 930, the Althing is a parliamentary system whereby the laws of the land would be passed, and then, subsequently, read aloud to all of the nation's citizens. Much like our modern system of "notice" and "due process", the Althing left no citizens in the dark as to what the laws were and what behaviors were expected of the settlers. Even more amazingly, this unicameral system of governance still exists as the parliament of Iceland.




Rule of law, bitches.




Despite the continuous peace, the rule of law, the astonishing natural beauty, and the very, very hot women...


Sorry, I was distracted by the Miss Iceland contest...



...all is not well in paradise. As you're aware, the world is in a toxic economic shitter. Greece is the most recent, America is the most profound, but Iceland's collapse was the one that originally scared the shit out of the global markets. Unemployment is hovering near 9%...still. And, for an isolated island several hundred miles away from the rest of Europe, it's not like the folks can just hop in the longships and go find a new job. Worst -and just like America- the banking system is in a barely-stabilized spiral. And, just like America, the recriminations have begun. In fact, the Icelandic people are so pissed at their bankers, that they are taking no half measures: In addition to suing them, and having hearings at the Althing, today the government started arresting them en masse.


So, isolated culturally, geographically, linguistically, with a fishing and tourist based economy that's taken a serious hit, all coupled with unemployment, inflation and shitty banking, means that -for at least another few years- Iceland is completely fucked.

Don't worry, Iceland, you'll always have this...




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See Previously: Yemen, Mongolia, Zimbabwe, Poland II and I, Finland (and Montana!), Japan, Ghana, Dominican Republic, Cyprus, Chile, Slovenia, Vanuatu, and Uzbekistan.



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