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Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts

Cardinal cock of the week

Another Sunday, another bloody interfering priest...

This is Cardinal Keith O'Brien, yet another Catholic who thinks that being a Papist entitles him to stick his nose into politics and tell the governement what to do. The Cardinal accused the Foreign Secretary of doubling overseas aid to Pakistan to more than £445 million without demanding religious freedom for Christians and other religious minorities, such as Shia Muslims.

He claimed that three-quarters of all religious persecution in the world is now directed at Christians, resulting in a collapse in the number of followers in some Middle East countries. On the other hand of course, it could just be that they simply don't like what you are peddling?

He went on to say "In countries like Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq, Christians face violence, intolerance and even death because of their beliefs.” Hardly surprising as they are not Christian countries and have put up with centuries of Catholic missionaries trying to show them the error of their ways. Perhaps I should mention the Crusades at this point?

I support freedom of worship - provided it doesn't include you ramming your views down my throat - but it's not right to use aid to enforce it in other countries.

The church is the church. The government is the government. Our government does not insist on people holding specific views in the UK and it is quite wrong to use aid money to blackmail other countries' governments into doing things our way.

( You can read the full story in the Daily Telegraph by clicking here )

No religion on the census

As my regular leader will testify, I like to tackle religious issues on a Sunday and none more topical than one that also involves the forthcoming census!

The British Humanist Association - of whom it has frequently been said "Who?" - is running an advertising campaign to tell people who aren't religious to say so on the census. You can even go their web site and sign a pledge. Wowza!...

The theology think tank Theos has criticised the campaign as 'misconceived' and 'unnecessary'.

The BHA was forced to change its original campaign slogan 'If you’re not religious, for God’s sake say so’, after the Committee of Advertising Practice advised that it could cause "widespread" and "serious" offence. The campaign is targetted at people who might tick the 'Christian' box in answer to the question 'What is your religion?', even though they are not practising Christians and would not normally go to church.

Now, let's put this in perspective :

I'm not religious and I don't go to church. In fact, I despise organised religions although I'm not an atheist. I might be a bit on the agnostic side, but only because my concept of God and an afterlife doesn't include heaven and hell and a man with a big white beard. I do, however, believe in the principals of Christianity so would most likely describe myself as christian (note the small 'c') even though I don't believe Christ was the son of God.

I'm not easily offended, and certainly cannot see how the wording of this advertisement could possiby cause widespread and serious offense to anyone with a brain bigger than the size of a pea.

I'm also not stupid. I do not need some half baked moron to tell me what to fill in on a census form.

I do however agree with one statement made by these idiots - this campaign is absolutely unnecessary! Especially as the question about religion is clearly marked 'optional'...

Gay marriage isn't real

Here we go again - another bloody priest who doesn't play the game making the rules!

The government is debating whether to change the legal definition of arriage to include same sex couples.

Above is Archbishop Smith of Southwark. He has announced that the Catholic Church will "be opposing such a change in the strongest terms". He goes on to say :

It is a lifelong commitment of a man and a woman to each other, publicly entered into, for their mutual well-being and for the procreation and upbringing of children. No authority – civil or religious – has the power to modify the fundamental nature of marriage.

Well that's all very well, but you just contradicted yourself, Bish. The law is the law and if Parliament decides that same sex marriages will have the same legal status as mixed sex marriages, then like it or lump it that is the law and the Church cannot opt out.

But you cannot then go on to to say that 'no religious authority' has the right to decide and then go right ahead and do it!

The crux of this issue is not religious. What it's about is that if the Catholic Church defies the law by disciminating against the marriage of gay couples, then they could very well be sued for refusing to marry them.

Will no-one rid us of these turbulent priests?

Catholic priest robs grave

Another Sunday, another first for the Kafflicks!

Father Wojciech Jasinski has been charged with ‘body snatching’ after illegally exhuming the bones of Witold Orlowski, who died aged 14 from a Herefordshire graveyard. Apparently, the Polish Kafflicks believe that Witold is a saint.

After his mysterious death in a Mexican village in 1944, he is claimed to have come to the aid of a local priest who was dying, with the boy praying for God to take his life instead. The previously healthy boy died a few days later – and the stricken priest made a full recovery.

Witolds remains were exhumed and brought back to Britain by his family ten years later. Father Jasinki took the remains and reburied tham 100 miles away. They have been recovered by police and reburied at Fawley Court in Oxfordshire at a service attended by the family.

I would like to nominate the boy for the Guiness Book of Records as the most travelled corpse. But, then again, maybe you know better?...

Christ appears in Playboy!

Playboy magazine has run a photo shoot featuring Jesus Christ among topless models in it's Potuguese edition.

The spread was ostensibly a tribute to Nobel Prize-winning author Jose Saramago’s The Gospel According to Jesus Christ, but Hugh Hefner’s headquarters have reacted with outrage.

The pictures show a long-haired, glowing Jesus watching two models in a lesbian clinch, standing next to a prostitute and looking over the shoulder of a woman reading a book.

Theresa Hennessy, Playboy Enterprises vice president of public relations told the Mail Online: ‘We did not see or approve the cover and pictorial in the July issue of Playboy Portugal.

‘It is a shocking breach of our standards and we would have not allowed it to be published if we had seen it in advance.

‘We are in the process of terminating our agreement with the Portuguese publisher.'

Saramago’s novel is a fictional re-telling of Christ’s life, depicting him as a flawed, human character. It generated controversy among the Roman Catholic Church, who accused Saramago of depicting a ‘substantially anti-religious vision.’ However, other critics have praised it as a ‘deeply philosophical, provocative and compelling work.’

I find it interesting that publishing full fontal and open crotch pictures of nubile young ladies is OK, but that publishing a picture of Jesus is unacceptable.

I am not, as you will know, a great fan of organised religion. I am certainly not outraged by this, but I do find it completely tasteless.

(Shamelessly nicked from here.)

Confession app for iPhone

As my regular reader will know, I try to set the appropriate religious tone on a Sunday, and today is no exception.

The Catholic Church has released a confession app for the iPhone.

Now be honest. You think I'm taking the piss and that I photoshopped the picture on the left, don't you?

Well, you're wrong. This - unbelievably - is real!

In his message for the 2011 World Communications Day, Pope Benedict XVI said it's not enough to just "proclaim the Gospel through the new media," but one must also "witness consistently." The developers of "Confession: A Roman Catholic App" for Apple's iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch think their product helps people do both.

The app is designed to help people to a better confession. "For Catholics who go to confession regularly, it gives the user information. They enter their name, age, their sex, their vocation and their last confession date, and it generates an examination of conscience based on that information."

"It's also for people who've been away from the church and want the opportunity to go to confession. You go to the examination of conscience and it literally walks you through, step by step, your confessions as you're in the confessional."

Well, how cool is that! All we need now is a 'te absolvo' button!

And if you still think I'm making this up, then you can read all about it on the Catholic News Service by clicking here.

The Lord indeed does move in mysterious ways....

Easter is coming!

Once in a while, it is good to unearth a story that reveals the true meaning of the christian religion...

Scottish artist Ian Moir has come up with a great way to commemorate Good Friday - he plans to parade a dead rabbit through the streets of Dunfermiline while dressed as a jester and then crucify it!

This is aparently to highlight the "crass commercialisation of Christmas and Easter" and is, of course, nothing whatsoever to do with tasteless self publicity.

Needless to say, the good and the great are up in arms :

Father Michael Henesy said: "I think it will offend a lot of people. It's trivialising the crucifixion.". I shouldn't think the rabbit's too keen either, Mike!

An animal charity commented : "Using the carcass of an innocent rabbit does nothing to encourage reflection about Jesus's message of love and compassion." This is true. It's the exact opposite - but that's the whole point.

Scottish SPCA Chief Superintendent Mike Flynn said: "It is totally tasteless." But nailing a bloke to a cross is OK?

Mr. Moir replied, "It's unfortunate that Christmas and Easter have more to do with boosting the economy than with the birth and death of Jesus. Although I am not a Christian, I find myself repulsed by the rampant commercialism." I think the point is that Christians are even more repulsed by it, aren't they? Well, if not, they should be...

Well this might be offensive, but I could suggest something worse. How about force feeding chocolate to a live animal until it bloats itself to death? Oh no, hang on! - That's called giving the kids Easter eggs...

The Missionary Position

They say that travel is good. It broadens your horizons, Opens up your mind to other possibilities and enlarges your carbon footprint. All this works from me!

As my regular reader will know, I have nothing against God. Indeed I believe that the great sky fairy is looking down on us from on high and pissing himself laughing at all our various ludicrous ways of worshipping Him. Nowhere is this more fascinating in its manifestations than in Polynesia.

Take for example Tahiti, the island which epitomises what I euphemistically brand the "ABC" tour - "Another Bloody Church". There is one on every corner - and two on some. Every domination imaginable is here in spades.

In the 19th century, the European missionaries arrived here bigtime - especially the Catholics. They found a happy, contented, sexually liberated people and so naturally felt bound by God and the Pope to put an end to it as soon as possible and impose their own special brand of guilt ridden prudishness.

The amply endowed dusky young maidens who were running around half naked in the tropical sun were immediately forced to wear clothes covering them from neck to toe. All their Gods were abandoned and their way of life destroyed forever. Ironically, all this happened because their religious legends foretold that one day a pale stranger would appear bringing the word of God to the islands and, of course, when the Europeans came, they assumed the prophesy was being fulfilled.

As I said, God must be looking down pissing himself laughing...

Papal bull

Take a good look at the picture on the left. Apparently, this is what a Saint looks like...

On 1st May if all goes to schedule, Papa is going to beatify his predecessor, Pope John-Paul II.

Now, I am the first to admit that the last Pope was a great improvement on the bloody fool they have in the job at the moment, but is he a saint?

Well, according to the nonsense that the Catholics Church uses to decide on sainthood, the deceased person needs to have been responsible for a proven miracle in order to be beatified.

Luckily, the late John-Paul has already performed his first post death miracle :

The case involves the healing of a French religious sister from Parkinson’s disease. Sr. Marie Simon-Pierre was diagnosed with an aggressive form of the disease in 2001. Her order prayed to John Paul II after his death for help. After writing the Pope’s name on a piece of paper one night in June 2005, she reportedly awoke the next morning cured and was able to resume her work as a maternity nurse.

Conveniently, you will note that this miracle was performed within the confines of the church itself. The cynical amongst us would, of course, say that it would have been more convincing if it had been performed on ordinary Joe Public - but, then again, even Jesus didn't appear in public after the resurrection, so there must be a precedent there.

Even more conveniently, the beatification ceremony is expected to brings hundreds of thousands of believers to the Vatican - so good news for the coffers as well, then...

Never before has a Pope beatified his immediate predecessor. And the usual five year waiting period has been waived as well - although, of course, it is difficult to understand why a miracle is not allowed to happen for the first five years? Perhaps God has a probationary period in mind?

John-Paul's papacy was not, of course, without it's problems. He presided over a massive cover up of sex abuse by members of the priesthood during his 26 year reign. But this is OK with the church who say his life isn't a "score card" on how he administered things, but more of a recognition that he led a "saintly life" - whatever that means!

Yet again, God must be pissing himself laughing at the way 'his' church carries on and I suppose the biggest question to be answered about all this nonsense must be...

...at the end of the day, what does it matter anyway?

Get real, Rowan...

Will no-one rid us of this turbulent priest?

I am well known for my views on organised religion and the Catholic Church in particular, but when I reviewed the patronising and out of touch remarks made the Archpisspot of Cunterbury in his Christmas sermon, then the words of Henry II just seemed to come echoing back to me!

So, in the interests of evening things up with the Kafliks, lets take a look at what the man in the teacloth had to say for himself :

"Faced with the hardship that quite clearly lies ahead for so many in the wake of financial crisis and public spending cuts, how far are we able to sustain a living sense of loyalty to each other, a real willingness to bear the load together?" Do what, Rowan? Exactly how much are you and your church contributing?

"We can and will as a society bear hardship if we are confident that it is being fairly shared." OK, Rowan, I'll give that one, but then you go on to say "...no interest group or pressure group is able to opt out" - well. apart from the Church of England that is.

"God, it seems, knows that whatever limitation and humiliation our human freedom lays on him, we cannot live without him; and he accepts everything for the sake of our well-being." So exactly what exactly is He doing for us - and incidentally Rowan I notice that on your website you have demoted the Allmighty to lower case 'he' which I would have thought was a little disrespectful? He is accepting what and doing what for us exactly? Please do tell, because I see no sign of it.

And please don't lecture me about how the rich need to contribute more than the poor. I have always maintained that incremental taxation already achieves this. If I earn £30,000 I pay 20% tax on it so why should I pay 40% if I earn £60,000? Why should I pay four times as much for earning twice as much. It is already grossly unfair and I don't need some guy who has a grace and favour palace in Lambeth and pays next to fuck all tax to lecture me on this subject!

And what about overseas, Rowan? Well "I remind you of our Zimbabwean friends, still suffering harassment, beatings and arrests, legal pressures and lockouts from their churches." Er, excuse me but I see you used the word 'legal' there. It's not up to you to tell other countries - or indeed our country - to go against what is legal.

And then to make it worse, you continue "Our prayers continue for Asia Bibi in Pakistan and others from minority groups who suffer from the abuse of the law." Seems you don't like the law very much do you?

How about Iraq? "It is a great grace that both Christians and Muslims in this country have joined in expressing their solidarity with this beleaguered minority." What you should be doing, Rowan, is keeping your nose out of other peoples' countries.

Henry II dealt harsely with a former Archbishop when he stuck his unwelcome nose into politics. I sincerely suggest that you need to stick to things spiritual and when I comes to politics, remember that it is not your place to comment...

Christmas is over...

Alright, I admit it. Guilty. I hate Christmas. So call me a miserable old bastard...

I'm just glad it's all over for another year.

I'm sick of having to buy my wife a birthday card in July ready for her birthday in December...

I'm sick of trying to find a restaurant that isn't serving up roast fucking turkey and Christmas pudding...

I'm sick of the sycophantic crap I get from people being nice to me because it's Christmas but neglecting to invite us to the party they had back in the summer...

I'm sick of bloody Christmas muzac in all the shops...

I'm sick of having to buy slippers in December because it's the only bloody time of year you can get them...

I'm sick of having to spend money on things people don't want to give to people I don't even like...

I'm sick of bloody adverts on my telly for cheap nasty tat and donations to charities I've never even heard of...

I'm sick of fucking chuggers knocking on my door demanding money and being told I'm a tight fisted old bastard when I refuse to give them any...

I'm sick of people parking outside my house while they go off into town to get pissed and then throwing up Christmas spirit all over my door step at three in the morning...

I'm sick to the back teeth with having to pay through the nose for a tree to bring into the house to drop needles all over my fucking carpet and then just throwing it out afterwards...

I'm sick of getting stupid bloody bits of card in the post from people I don't remember, or never see, or I've bought stuff from, or companies trying to part me from my money...

I'm sick of my e-mail inbox clogging up every day with at least one mailing from Virgin Wines, Waitrose, Debenhams, Tesco, TruPrint, Holiday Extras, Denby and at least a dozen others...

But most of all, I'm sick of all the sanctimonious religious claptrap that goes with it from people who ouze platitudes and are the most insincere, two faced bastards...

John Lennon once wrote "Happy Christmas - war is over (if you want it)" - well sorry, John, but that's bollocks. War just starts again on Boxing Day, and the rest of the shit starts again in September!

It's just all so fucking false. And if this just means I am a miserable, cynical old bastard, then I plead guilty...

What Christmas really means...

The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2010 p.c. edition...

And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
And he sayeth unto her "How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?"
And Mary did quiver, and replieth "An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God's child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings"
And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying "That's the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch"
But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph "I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig"
And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying "I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs"
And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying "Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need"
And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. "Taketh no notice," sayeth her benefactor. "'Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali"
And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth "I see three kings!"
And the first sayeth "Shit, girl, you been through it, ain'tcha? Have a swig of this.." and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
And the second sayeth unto her "I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins" and handed her a Franc and some Cents
And the third sayeth unto her "Ah eh! I've nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out"
And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
And the donkey in the corner brayeth "Eee Ore! It's a fuckin' miracle..."

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 "We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car." All rise...

The Ratshitter Rap

As I seem to be on a roll this week taking the piss out of the catholic church - and let's face it, it ain't difficult - here's something for the weekend...

Pope Benedict XVI does 'The Ratshitter Rap'

+ + + + + STOP PRESS + + + + +

My good friend, Old Nick tells me that I have just been nominated for burning at the stake for this little piece of 'heresy'...

Fuck off, Benny [2]

Benny Ratshitter has struck again!

Now you have probably worked out by now that I do not exactly have a lot of time for the conclave of hypocritical bastards that comprise the catholic church. Well, this occasion is no exception.

Robert Edwards is the genius that gave the world IVF, as a result of which some 4.5 million infertile mothers have been granted the gift of motherhood. But does the catholic church think that as a result of this he deserves to be awarded the Nobel prize for medicine? Like fuck they do!...

Ignazio Carrasco de Paula, President of the Pontifical Academy for Life, said the award was 'entirely misplaced' and went on to say that 'Without Edwards there would be no market for human eggs; without Edwards there would not be freezers full of embryos waiting to be transferred to a uterus, or, more likely, used for research or left to die, abandoned and forgotten by all.'

He also blamed Professor Edwards for the 'current state of confusion of assisted procreation, children with four or five parents, babies born from their grandmothers.'

Well let's be honest : Firstly we would really expect the catholic church to get it's facts right would we? Secondly, if you don't play the game, then don't try and make the rules - unless of course you are prepared to admit that a priest's vow of celibacy is nothing more than a sham!

I know the pope is officially infallible, but you can fuck off on this one, Ratshitter...

A Nun's Vow of Poverty

OK. It's Sunday, so time for my regular look at the workings of religion - and, believe me, this one is a real piss boiler...

According to the Daily Telegraph, "A Benedictine nun who faces an impoverished retirement is challenging the Government's refusal to give benefits to members of religious orders.

Sister Mary Scott, 74, and one other nun run the Oulton Abbey community near Stone in Staffordshire, where they manage a small nursing home and playgroup, but she is getting too old to keep working.

Sister Mary has never been paid, so never paid National Insurance, and what money she makes goes on food and clothes.

A Government regulation excludes 'members of religious orders who are fully maintained by their order' from pension credits, but her lawyers argue that the abbey is not supported by the Benedictine order which has no central hierarchy. She has been given permission to take the case to the Court of Appeal.

Her barrister, Stephen Knafler QC, said poverty was an 'endemic' problem facing the country's 5,000 remaining nuns and 1,400 monks, most now past retirement age."

Well of course it is, you stupid bugger! It's endemic because they take a vow of poverty! Although clearly in the light of the scandal of child molestation by priests, religious vows count for fuck all these days!

And another thing, if she has "never been paid", where did she get the money from to spend on "food and clothes"?

You two faced, hypocritical bastards! I hope that this is all going down in St Peter's ledger ready for your day of judgement. You make me sick, the lot of you!

Ed Miliband wins it!

Today's lesson is taken from the book of Genesis, Labour Party edition...

In the time of the gathering, Ed presented himself to the conference as an offering to the Party. And David also presented himself.
The Party had regard for Ed's offering, but they did not have regard for David's offering. David was furious, and he was downcast and his face fell.
Then the Party sayeth unto David , "Why art you furious? And why art you downcast? Why hast thy face fallen?
If you do right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it."
And David said unto his brother Ed "Let's go out back unto mine gaff for a beer."
And while they were there, David attacked his brother Ed and killed him.
Then the Party said to David , "Where is your brother Ed?"
"I know not," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"
Then the Party said, "Why have you done this thing?"
And David answered, "My loss was too great to bear never to sit again in shadow cabinet for my brother forgives me not for challenging him."

Here endeth the lesson....

Papal Quiz - The answers!

For those of you enthralled by the challenge I set you with my recent 'fake or real' Papal visit souvenirs, here are the answers :

Money Box : Real - available by mail order in the States!
Benedict-a-phone - I loved this one. Shame it's a fake.
USB Stick : Real. Honest.
Chef's Apron : Almost real - I changed the picture, but you can buy a Pope apron with the official visit logo on it.
Pope's Wine : Real - apart from the miracle bit of course. It's a genuine Californian winery.
Pope on a Rope : Real.
Papal Visits for Dummies : Fake - although there is a Roman Catholicism for Dummies so I only had to photoshop a bit of the title.
Talking Key Ring : Almost real. It doesn't talk but you really can get 'the power of the Pope in your pocket.'
Naked Pope Pen : OK - it's a complete fake!
3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker : Realish - the Pope Benedict cocktail shaker is real but I made the rest up!
I Love the Pope Knickers : 100% genuine.
Benedict Condoms : Also 100% genuine. On the other side of the packet to "I said NO!" is printed "But we say YES"
Pope's Special Ale : Real - but I doctored the picture on the beermat
Pope Candles : 100% genuine
Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser : What do you think? Of course it's a fake - but wouldn't it be great if it was real?

And the one that got away is pictured above. It's a board game called "Conclave - How men become Pope" and it's available via mail order from the official Vatican gift shop.

The prices are of course complete bollocks, but I'm sure the Vatican would charge this much for similar tacky tourist trash if they thought they could get away with it. Just look at the prices of their tour T-shirts!

So how many did you get right?...

Papal Visit souvenirs [3]

As promissed, here are some more items from our Dioclese.co.uk papal visit souvenir range. Today we concentrate on our range of special sex aids :

Prove to the bad boys that you're a good girl with these I Love the Pope knickers! When it gets right down to it, you know that sex before marriage is a big no no for us catholics and he's going to think twice before trying to rip these off of you!

Protect your virginity for just £22.99

And if the previous item just didn't do it for you, then better safe than sorry with these Benedict Condoms.

Available in five fruity flavours, there's a reminder from his Holiness on each packet that this really isn't what you should be doing. But then we all give in to a little temptation now and again...

Packet of 5 just £12.99

And if you're feeling tired and worn out after all that illicit sex you shouldn't be having, what could be better than a nice cold beer?

Brewed especially to help you celebrate the papal vist, why not relax with a pint or two of Pope's Special Ale.

Available for a limited period on draught at selected churches or order a six pack from us for only £11.99 - Hmmmm. that's nice...

Let's face it, there's nothing worse than the lingering smell of sweat and beer.

So if you don't want your parents or even your kids or partner to know what you've been up to, just fire up these delightful hand moulded incense scented Pope Benedict Candles...

Cover up all your sins for only £19.99

There's nothing better after a shag than a fag and the Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser is guaranteed to satisfy.

Just pull down on the staff and the cassock spreads and lifts to reveal a nicotine erection down below - if you get my drift...

And that's not all! Flip back the head to reveal a cigarette lighter.

Raise your spirits for just £39.99

(PS. Here's a little competition for you : Which of these past three days' items are real and which are not? See how many you can get right! Answers on Friday.)

Papal Visit souvenirs [2]

Following on the recent launch of our Dioclese.co.uk special papal souvenirs, here's some more items from our Pope Benedict 'Kiss the Ring Tour' range :

Feeling unclean? Then try our Benedict brand Pope on a Roap soap!

Guaranteed to reach the parts that other soaps cannot reach, this papal soap will cleanse you of all your sins and leave you feeling totally pure.

Please note this product is not suitable for use on the genital areas of young children

Yours for the trifling sum of £14.99

Get the most out of Pope Benedict's UK tour with our new publication 'Papal Visits for Dummies'.

This updated book gives you the invaluable insights you need. Learn how to get the best seats at personal appearences; how to ensure that your name is included in the papal blessing; how to obtain direct absolution for all your sins.

These and many, many more for only £49.99

Get the power of the Pope in your pocket with your very own Pope Benedict talking key ring.

Made from high quality genuine polyurethane, you can always rely on this Pope to absolve you from the rigours of everyday sinning. Just give him a little squeeze and hear the Pope announce 'In Nomine Patre, Te Absolvo!

A bargain at £15.99 - batteries not required (runs on faith)

Here a little novelty item sure to please!
You've seen those pens where you turn the it upside down and the girl's clothes fall off? Well, here's a chance to own your very own 'Naked Pope Pen'. Just turn it upside down, and watch that cassock fall away.

Breaks the ice at any party for only £9.99

Still trying for that perfect cocktail? Well, the answer is in the timing!

Just throw your intoxicating mixture into our '3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker' and shake away. The speaker in the bottom recites 3 Hail Marys at the perfect pace to ensure your cocktail pours out just the right moment.

A perfect drink and absolution all at the same time for just £39.99

Just watch this space for more items from our exciting range coming soon...

Papal Visit souvenirs

To mark the visit of his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI to our shores in September, Dioclese.co.uk has launched a range of tasteful commerative merchandise.

Here's just a few items from our carefully chosen range :

Our limited edition Pope Money Box. Made from 100% authentic organic plastic, this very special box comes complete with two slots for your money so you can save one for yourself and another to give to God on Sunday!

Our price just £29.95

Made especially for us by our friends at Fanasonic, the Benedict-a-phone takes your messages while you are out and has the added benefit of giving all your callers a papal blessing personal recorded by the Pontif himself.

All this for a giveaway price of only £249.99!

Keep your sacred memories safe with this Pope Benedict USB memory stick.

Guaranteed to impress all your geeky mates, this state of the art devices stores an almost limitless number of prayers and blessings for a truly miraculous price of only £1.99

Worried about your soufflés going flat? Burnt the Sunday dinner? No rise in your yorkshire puddings? Never worry about these things again thanks to our Pope Benedict chef's apron.

Made from highest quality PVC and decorated with a tasteful portrait of his Holiness, your cooking worries will be a thing of the past. With the representative of God on Earth looking on, your cooking will become truly blessed!

Great meals guaranteed for only £75.99!

Looking to impress your guests at that all important dinner party? Here's your chance with our special reserve 'Pope's Winery' wine!

And here's the clever bit : You don't have to make a choice between white and red, because this very special vintage comes as clear water with detailed instructions for turning it into the wine of your choice as you pour.

Miraculous, or what!? And even more when you find it's only £499.99 a bottle.

(Each bottle comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Pope Benedict himself)