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Showing posts with label irony's a bitch. Show all posts

Absolutely Amazing Comeuppance for the "Fag Bashers"

So, Westboro Baptist Church (a/k/a "God Hates Fags" fucknuts), claim that Anonymous sent them messages trying to hack the Church, but that the Church and Jesus-H-Christ saved them where Amazon, eBay, Mastercard and Visa failed.

What happens next is pure classic fucking comedy cold. In a confrontation, Anonymous claims that the alleged "attacks" never happened, or were orchestrated by the Phelps Phreaks. Roper-Phelps, the mouthpiece for this vile "religious institution", then claims that nothing, no one...absolutely nothing can silence the church or shut down their words..."

Gotta' really see what happens, beginning at the 2:10 mark

Roper-Phelps "I'm talking to a little Jew guy"

Little Jew Guy "well, your websites are down now..."

Look on face? Classic.

I didn't realize that their version of a sodomy-obsessed, America-loathing, funeral-protesting, fag-hating god was a n00b!

Pwned!!

Seriously, 10 minutes long but a case study in unintended irony, schadenfreude and good ole' fashioned comeuppance. Good job, Anonymous. Again.

-d.s.

1984 all over again...

Apple, back in the day (1984, to be exact), used to be the upcomer, the challenger to the brown-boxed IBMs and Commodores (gray, natch) that dominated the nascent home-computing market.

They insisted on being different. Demanded that the sheeple break free from the 5'14" floppies, and, well...think different. How different? They went so far as to blast the PC/IBM hegemony with the now-classic 1984 ad below.

That was then...

Flash forward two decades, where Apple completely dominates the portable music market, has revolutionized SmartPhones, and -with the introduction of the iPad-- now holds a commanding 75% market share for tablets (on top of it's 11% and growing desktop market).

Imagine my surprise then, when I saw this lil ad streaming on the twitter feed last night for the Superbowl.

..This is now.

The product is the Motorola Xoom, an $800 competitor to the ubiqituous iPad (also pushing 8 big ones). And, this time, it's the lil' upstart being portrayed as the hegemon; the enslaver of the masses. Not too sure how Motorola, of all people, can claim to be the little guy. But, what's good for the goose here back in the days of Reagan and Yuppie douches, is just as good today, in the era of a black president and Hipster douches.

-d.s

How do I love Romania, let me count the ways.

First, it's got a kick-ass book about the amazing life of Atilla Ambrus, the anti-hero described in Ballad of the Whisky Robber as:

the Robin Hood of Eastern Europe. He's the onetime pelt smugger, goaltender (possibly the worst in the history of pro hockey), pen salesman, Zamboni driver, gravedigger, church painter, roulette addict, building superintendent, whiskey drinker, and native of Transylvania who's decided that the best thing to do with his time is to rob as many banks as possible.

Okay, so he's Hungarian (close enough, right?)

Second, it's got Roma (Gypsies), and Gypsie curses.

Per the Guardian

Double, double toil and trouble: witches in Romania are planning to cast a spell on the country's rulers because of laws that will force them to pay tax for the first time.

Cat excrement and dead dogs, rather than eye of newt and toe of frog, will go into their cauldron – but they are hoping to put a Macbeth-style hex on the country's president, Traian Basescu, and his government after the imposition of a tax regime aimed at tackling the recession.

Intriguing. Tell me more...

A dozen witches will hurl the poisonous mandrake plant into the river "so evil will befall them", a witch named Alisia said. The threatened curse is not being taken lightly in a country with a long tradition of superstition. Basescu and his aides have been known to wear purple on certain days in an attempt to ward off evil.

The new law is part of the government's drive to collect more revenue and crack down on tax evasion. It will force the likes of witches, astrologers and fortune tellers to register their professions and become liable for 16% tax in line with other self-employed Romanians.

The Queen witch Bratara Buzea said she would lead a chorus in casting a spell using a concoction of cat excrement and a dead dog. "They want to take the country out of this crisis using us? They should get us out of the crisis because they brought us into it," she said.

There's not much more to add to a story that kick-ass, other than to wish more power to the good occult Roma, and good luck in both your necromancy and tax evasion...

Where's Borat to defend me? I sense the evil eye of a Gypsy Witch

(Yes, she really is...went to prison and everything for it).

-d.s

The bittersweet dream...

Of a big bore V-8 speeding down an endless ribbon of highway, wind whipping caressing me like a lover, the painted desert further painted on the reflection of her sunglasses, her bright red lipstick and tousled hair, a radio that never sounds bad. She half-climbs into the backseat of the black convertible, as the wind worries at her dress.

We are young, reckless and utterly "ima wo ikiru"..."being", living in the moment with no past and no future, and an aimless, rudderless love for life itself.

Mood music. The excellent Danish punk, gothabilly band, Volbeat.

The first car we've encountered on this lonely highway, speeds us by. The driver's tie is at half-mast, bags line his eyes which show a far-away look of deep concentration on the road and whatever else lies heavy on his mind. In the backseat, a bored child's face is pressed against the glass. I try to smile at her as we pass, but no light comes to the little girl's eyes, and we're quickly forgotten.

And then the dream dies around me. What was perpetual sunset, is now a descending darkness. I feel the night's chill set in, and realize that I brought nothing to keep me warm. I begin to become consciously aware of the heavy lump in my pocket where an empty wallet lies. I worry as the gas needle drops faster than gravity would seem possible. What once was whimsy on her face turns into a cold distance, and furrows unconsciously gather in her brows. There grows a distant pang somewhere in the pit of my stomach that isn't attributable to growing hunger alone. I start to think about -not this moment- but the moment's that must come tomorrow, and the preparation that must be done now so as to live in that future, rather than this moment.

And, it's a dream. A bittersweet one; an irresponsible one; an impossible one.

It is, in short, Rousseau's notion of the liberated individual; the spirit freed from the strictures of everyday society. And it leaves me gasping for breath as I choke against the tethers that I only occasionally feel, but which I've leashed about myself in an effort to stave off uncertainty.

A dream juxtaposed against a very real sacrifice. That is what I'll tell myself today, anyway.

-d.s.

Irony, thy name is delicious...Grave Robbin' Edition

Understated. I like it.

I've always maintained that I love people like a twisted version of Doctor Who loves people: That is to say, that I am amazed by them. Not necessarily by their stories, their deeds, their actions, their histories -- although there is that -- but mainly by the creative and seemingly endless ways in which we commit a variety of fuck ups, failures and foibles.

In a sense we are spooky toddlers blundering around the planet like children performing brain surgery.

Pictured (L to R): Dr. Pookums and her charge nurse preparing for a routine micro-ablation of Broca's Region.

That said, imagine my delight when I read this story from the Chengdu Evening News via China Daily Mail.

A grave-robbing villager in Chengdu, capital of Sichuan province, surrendered to police on Friday after he killed a rival.

The fight was over who has the right to rob an ancient tomb.

Ye Guicai, 32, was a member of a gang that robbed a dozen graves. However, he recently learned about an ancient tomb near his house and when the gang tried to steal from it, Ye tried to claim it as his own.

However, the other members of the gang wanted to share the tomb's treasures and a fight broke out. During the fight, Ye used a knife to kill one of the other gang members.

This heart-warming tale of "WTF?" is brought to you by Rabid Seal (tm). When bats, badgers, dogs and raccoons just won't do for your rabies fix, try Rabid Seal (tm).

Seriously, you just can't make this shit up. Murdering one another over the right to unearth dead people's belongings. You know who approves of this? Loki, that's who; the only God that I see in daily life. Because, Loki knows, there is more than enough chaos, dickish irony, and black humor to go around.

-D.S.

A reminder about Polar Bears...

I know, it' looks awfully cute, and it should come as no surprise: Both dogs and bears are in the carmifordia branch of the order carnivora, and both species are highly intelligent, playful and will totally fucking kill you in the wild.

Steven Colbert is on a constant threat alert about bears. Somehow, though, the message just hasn't gotten through to people that Polar Bears are, in fact, bears. They are as large as a grizzly, agile swimmers, and -because of human encroachment- much more likely to come into contact with human settlements. This doesn't make them less likely to attack, but more so.

Just last year, my daughter and I were at the Doorly Zoo in Omaha. While there, we saw a juvenile male polar bear checking out the small children standing next to its tank. He would pounce around, dive into the water, then take a couple of test laps by the children. That's when it occurred to us that these little children, thinking that the polar bear was being inquisitive, probably appeared to be tasty, seal-sized bites of flesh to the polar bear.

This is the actual bear that was sooooo interested in the kiddos.

I finally have my confirmation. Behold the below awesomeness. It's a group of Japanese tourists at Seaworld. One of the young ladies has purchased a baby Harp Seal plush hat. Not thinking, she walks right up to get a closer view of the cute polar bear...awesomeness ensues...

She deserved it...it's the way she was dressed.

Image via Gifbin.com

For those of you wanting to feel sorry for this girl, two things to remember: First, she is approaching an 800 pound predator that's been in captivity most of its life. Second, she is approaching said predator, dressed up as its favorite food source, captivity be damned...Now, perhaps people will remember; they aren't cute...they're just white, aquatic versions of grizzlies, and I don't see a whole lot of people queuing up to pet those beasts.

Sigh.

I see you're not convinced, so go ahead and watch the video of puppies and bears playing.

NOT so clever dog....

This morning, I showed you the clever, clever dog. But, as you and I all know, there are some of our best friends who aren't so bright. Poor ole Lucky (best misnomer, evah1!1) is one such dummy....

BWAHAHAHAHAA

If for no other reason than to dust off my favorite picture....

Wait for it...

Skinny she may be, but hot she remains....

Some things write themselves...

Irony, thy name is delicious...

Other things this woman worries about:

-Cost of beluga

-Depreciating value of getaway homes on the Seine

-Jheri Curl hydration

-Vasectomy reversal

-Winner of the water polo match between Stanford and Yale

-Her singing voice

-Barnacle removal

-Goatse

Yankee cities not to die in: New York

Earlier this month, I brought you the heart-warming story of world class assholes in the world class hellhole known as Philly. To summarize, a beloved community music teacher was left dying of a heart attack for over an hour in the waiting room of an ER. While he was waiting, some of Philly's finest robbed him of his watch...and no one stopped them.

To summarize: Philly is full of assholes.

No shit, this pic come via PhillyRealty.com

Today's tale is one full of that Christmas spirit, from the City that originally brought you self-absorbed humorless douchebags and an exaggerated sense of their own importance. New York.

Fuck 'em...

Of the many cities on my shitlist (Philly, Chicago, Milwaukee, etc), New York is unique in that it also lands on the literal shitlist. Everything about this Yankee cesspool revolts me: its exaggerated importance, its attitude towards the rest of the state and nation, its insularity, Wall Street, fashionista douchebags, Seinfeld, the East River, pigeons, Manhattan, that lying ass Statue of Liberty, that paeon to cheap labor in Ellis Island, Rudy Guiliani, the fact that every writer for shitty television focuses on LA (or, more likely, NY), its residents, East Coast hip hop, that harsh Yankee accent, Good Morning America/CBS Morning/the Today Show, the phrase "youse guys", the damned Guido culture...and motherfuck Snoopy and the Macys Parade.

New York brought you Andrew "Dice" Clay...I rest my case

But, of the many, many reasons to bag on the "Big Apple", by far the worst aspect are the fucking assholes that live here. Simply stated, there are 10 million cocksuckers who think they are God's gift; they shit on everyone around them; are imperious asshats; they epitomize rudeness and callousness; they are callow and shallow; and, they have a diminished understanding about the worth of human life...Today's story is an exemplar of the New York mentality....

The only thing worth a shit to ever come out of New York...

A pregnant Brooklyn woman suffering a fatal seizure in a coffee shop in the shadow of FDNY Headquarters was ignored by two callous city medics who continued to buy their breakfast, eyewitnesses told The Post. "The EMTs just said we had to call 911. They got their bagels and left," said a disgusted worker.

People were calling out saying, 'She's turning blue! She's pregnant!' " said the witness.
But the EMTs appeared unfazed.

"I remember them saying they couldn't do anything because they were on their break," another worker said.

Fuck you, I'm on my coffee break...

Ironically, the EMS emergency dispatch center that fields 911 calls is located in the same building as Au Bon Pain -- just floors above where Rennix collapsed. And the FDNY headquarters is about 600 feet away within the same Metrotech complex. In fact, the coffee shop is regularly filled with FDNY and EMS personnel and top brass.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, one more reason NY sucks, and continuing proof that no one, and i mean no one, likes Yankee assholes except other Yankee assholes...

Fuck you, New York...

Bad, bad move by the KKK

When keeping it real goes wrong....

The KKK, founded by ex-Confederates (and sympathizers) in Ohio to stymie Reconstruction, was a scourge of free blacks, Catholics, Jews, immigrants, and any other group not fitting in with its White, Christian doctrine. Until the 30s, the Klan was a serious social force in areas with predominately white populations and those areas undergoing social upheaval (i.e., everywhere in America). Now, they are cartoonish parodies of a darker time in U.S. history.

They just don't know it yet.

Enter a group of knuckleheaded Klucksters down in Texas. Apparently, having run out of blacks, Catholics, Jews, Mexicans and others to harass, they heard about a group of pagans to harass. This particular group, however, were not the earth-muffin flakes of Gardnerian neo-Wicca, they were...ummm...Asatru.

For the uninitiated, Asatru is the Germanic and Norse worship of figures such as Odin. You know him as Corpse Ripper, Grim, Glad of War, and by a host of other peace-n-love names.

Seems there was a group of Ku Klux Klansmen in Texas who heard that some Pagans were holding a ritual out in the woods somewhere. Having run out of other minorities to harass, they decided to get backto their roots and practice some religious bigotry in addition to the usual racial intolerance and break up the party with a good ol' cross-burning.

So anyway, these fellows loaded up some lumber and a couple of cans of gasoline and went out hunting for these Pagans they'd heard about, hoping to catch them dancing naked around a fire or something.

Well, that is a fire...of sorts.

They found the spot where the other vehicles were parked and donned their hoods. Grabbing the lumber and gasoline, they assembled a cross and strode off into the woods, confident that they'd scare any remaining pants off the fluffybunny Pagans.

They were a little disconcerted to find themselves looking at the business end of at least 2 spears, a couple of swords, and several assorted knives. They'd crashed an Asatru blot and didn't realize that not all Pagans are pacifists.

Before the NAACP or B'Nai B'rith, shield walls and berzerkers enforced civil rights...

The punchline of the day, according to Becca, was this gem "From somewhere behind the hardware, a voice called out "If that cross goes up, you're getting nailed to it.."

Here's a hint; don't even think about harassing the heavily-armed descendents of a culture who exulted in warfare and considered the slaying of an enemy to be a religious act and cultural obligation.

Two meals from away from a wolf...

Here's a story from my part of the world, and continued validation of two facts: The first is that dogs are the coolest pets ever; the second, is the old maxim that every dog is two meals away from being a wolf...

If you do not give this dopey family companion its Alpo, in a few short days...

She will get hungry and wolf out on you...

In Papillion, Nebraska (which, for some reason known only to midwesterners, they pronounce as Pap-ill-ion) just outside of Omaha, a middle age man had adopted two pugs, Harry and Sally, as his companions. Like a lot of the elderly or lonely, the dogs were his pets and, sadly, his only real company. And, like many of the home-bound and reclusive, when things happen --such as sudden death-- it takes a while before anyone notices.

Well, the two puppies had to eat, you know, so they did what dogs are want to do in the wild:

Two loveable pets are forced to survive by eating their owner’s dead body. The pugs named Harry and Sally spent two weeks in a Papillion home after the 51-year-old man died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Police don’t suspect foul play. A neighbor noticed there were no tracks in the snow from the home and called police last week.

Officers found the man dead and determined that his pets had no dog food. So Papillion Police believe the dogs survived by using their owner’s face, head and torso as a food source. The pugs were turned over to the Nebraska Humane Society. The director of animal welfare for NHS Denise Gurss told Channel 6 News, “There was not any actual evidence that we saw that there was blood or tissue anywhere on the dogs.”

Police re-enactment...

The dogs have been deemed "loveable" and "well-adjusted" by the humane society, a spokesperson for whom stated:

"They're happy to have someone around them who wants to touch them," said Gurss. "They were thrilled to get a bath, jump up and kiss faces and see people. So I think they are going to be just fine."

That's not affection, that's tenderizing...

This whole story smacks of grisly doesn't it? But really, if you think about it, it's not. It's just dogs doing what they did for millions of years, hunting and scavenging. And, if you think for one instant that your beloved family member, companion and best friend won't do the same thing should you fall ill or die suddenly, well...let's just say that I'll be happy to let you test that hypothesis...

I will totally fucking eat you...