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Showing posts with label general election. Show all posts

HELP! I agree with Miliband

I find my self in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with Ed Miliband - a man whom I despise and would never vote for if my life depended on it!

In an article in the Guardian which you can read here, the Mighty Milipede argues that a vote for AV is a change in the right direction. He says :

AV offers an opportunity for political reform, ensuring the voice of the public is heard louder than it has been in the past. And given the standing of politics that is an opportunity we should take. It is a system that combines the direct representation of first-past-the-post with one that will make the votes of more people count.

The fact is that the present system is flawed. True, AV is also flawed but it is a better system and maintains the link between the MP and the constituency which full PR would destroy.

I believe that if we combined it with compulsory voting with a positive abstention as is the way in Australia, then we would have a considerably better system of electing our MPs.

That's a fight for another day, but at least a 'Yes' vote for AV would be a good first step.

READ MORE » HELP! I agree with Miliband

Queen speaks out!

That election result in full!

Vote counting - an interesting experience

Despite earlier expectations, I am awake! I got to bed at about 5 this morning and my wife woke me up when she got up at 7:30! I love her dearly but - Arggggghhhhhhh!!

Anyway, our local Tory increased his sizeable majority by about 50% but we still had to recount in case the Green Party lost their deposit. In the end they got 5.1% and we got to go home an hour later than the ideal...

One meets a very interesting selection of people at a count. Predominently they are aged 50+ and about 80% are female. Yours truly felt a little out of place but compensated by taking the lead of his little group.

Generally, all went smoothly and we all rubbed along together, but the candidates and their scrutineers were an odd bunch indeed. If you had stood the candidates in a line and picked them by appearance alone without knowing which was which, you would picked the Tory out as the only one who looked like he was dressed to appear in public. The liberal was the rather tired looking middle aged bloke in a crumpled, shiny M&S suit. The Green was, of course, the bloke with the beard and the UKIP man was the man dressed like Doctor Who. That only left the Labour candidate.

Labour's wife and scrutineer decided to give me a hard time. I had already decided I didn't like them. Frankly they just seemed rather unpleasant and oily! She had the irritating habit of talking about us common counting scum as if we weren't there, taking every opportunity to criticise and interfere - just like the rest of her party really.

On a minor, but by no means unimportant point, the Tory took the time to come round after the count and thank every counter individually. One else bothered to even thank us collectively. Manners maketh the man.

I have to say that I was impressed by the organisation that went into it all, although it seems incredible to me that in the 21st century, we still count votes by putting them on little bits of paper then sorting and counting them by hand. Still, no hanging chads here and it did give one voter the chance to add Robert Mugabe to the ballot paper - not that it counted!

So after all that, isn't it great to know that the result is all buggered up, Broon is still at number 10 and we will probably have to do it all again in 6 months...

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhhh!!!

The Party's over.....

....it's time to call it a day.

Yours truly is knackered this morning as he has been up all night counting votes. As you read this I am doubtless sound asleep.

So on a musical theme, here's one I prepared earlier - Jake Thackray summing the whole bloody thing up in less than a minute :

"The bigger the bull, the bigger the Balls" - couldn't have it put it better myself. Could be prophetic perhaps?

Let's hope that Pete Townshend got it totally wrong when he wrote "Meet the new boss, Same as the old boss" - I may comment further later if I can be arsed...

Get off your arse and VOTE!

Frankly, I just can't be bothered with apathy any more!

This General Election is IMPORTANT! If you choose not to exercise your vote - and I will grant you that you have this right - then you abdicate your right to complain.

If you vote and your party loses, then fair enough you can criticise the winner.

If you vote and your party wins, then you can complain that you don't like the way they are doing things.

If you don't vote at all, then shut the fuck up! I don't want to hear it!

SO GET OFF YOUR ARSE AND VOTE!!!

READ MORE » Get off your arse and VOTE!

David Cameron's sing-a-long-a-voter

Here's Dave doing a bit of Elton John with his personal appeal to you to elect him on May 6th.

"I guess that's why you vote for the blues
You've had enough of the lies and untruths
They treat you like children
Think that it's funny
Raise all your taxes
And spend all your money
So I guess that's why you vote for the blues"

Nick Clegg - I Dreamed a Dream

Following hot on the heels of Gordon Brown's new song a couple of days ago, boy wonder Nick Clegg - cashing in on on his exposure in the hit TV series "The ElectX Factor" before it fades away - has released a sparkling new 20 track, double CD in time for the May election fest.

The full track listing is as follows :

My Way
Whatever You Want
All or Nothing
Everybody's Talking 'bout Me
You've Got a Friend
The Times They Are a' Changing
The Winner Takes It All
Whatever You Want
Keep the Customer Satisfied
Two Tribes
I'm Not Like Everybody Else
Good Times, Bad Times
Down to the Wire
Campaigner
Let Me Entertain You
It's All Over Now
Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out
I Dreamed a Dream
The Party's Over
End of the Line

A copy free with every LibDem vote on May 6th.

Timing is everything

At last! I have been highly critical over the last few weeks of the lack of policy statements coming out of the Conservative Party.

When this campaign started at the beginning of the year, I understood why David Cameron was reluctant to put detailed policies on paper. Only an idiot would give his opponents the opportunity to steal their policies and present them as their own - and let's be honest, Labour are experts at doing precisely that.

Even in Thursday night's debate, I felt that Cameron did not nail Brown by coming out with concrete promises and guarantees, and consigning the Labour scaremongerng machine to the dustbin of history.

Well, I'm sorry Dave. I apologize. Your leaflet today leaves me in no doubt that I have greatly underestimated you because here it is at last.

I'm also sorry that I waited until today to vote, because like many others I was swayed by the polish and style of the LibDem performance. But while I think the electoral system is wrong, I'm not going to pay for changing it by giving amnesties to illegal immigrants and joining the Euro.

But there is one thing I am not sorry about - watching the death throes of a man who has done more damage to this nation than Hitler. Better start booking the removal van, Gordon - and good riddance!

I am now beginning to really believe that the Labour nightmare is drawing to a close - and frankly I can't wait to see the destruction of Brown by his own party once the voting is over. Never has it been more richly deserved.

My vote is in the post. Now let's get on with sorting this shambles out...

Gordon Brown - I Dreamed a Dream

Here's Gordon doing Susan Boyle (makes a change from him doing Gillian Duffy - I feel for the woman!)

Thanks to Rory Bremner for the vocals

Come clean Cleggy - who ya gonna sleep with?

Tonight's the night of the third debate - but I bet no-one is going to put these questions forward :

To Cameron and Brown : What are you going to promise Nick Clegg to get him in bed with you?

To Nick Clegg : Can you trust either of these buggers to honour their promises?

First it's Labour, then you can't work with Brown, then you can again. It's not inspiring me with confidence...

I think we have a right to have these questions answered before we decide where to put our votes.

And just in case you need a lighter note, here's a cracking litte Clegg song I nicked off YouTube (Thanks to TommyReckless - nice one!)

Sing-a-long-a-voter with the Travelling Wilburys

Let's put the election campaign into perspective with this collaboration between yours truly and the Travelling Wilburys - although to be fair, I didn't exactly ask them!

"Well, it's all shite
'Cos we're coming to election time..."

Peppa Pig - I don't believe it!

I was absolutely gobsmacked when I saw this on the BBC website!

It's bad enough that some brainless idiot in the Labour party even thought of using a children's cartoon character in their campaign in the first place, but to have two senior cabinet ministers talking such total bollocks in a press conference beggars belief.

If there was any doubt in anyone's mind that these clowns are unfit to govern, this should settle the matter once and for all.

Un-bloudy-believable!

Bullshit bingo!

Don't know about you, but I'm getting to the point where listening to all the parties droning on is beginning to get to me!

So come on guys, let's bring some colour into the campaign! Spice up your rhetoric! You know you can do better!

Here's a list of just a few of the useful phrases I have already spotted some of you using (you know who you are!)....

Let me just pop something into your mental microwave and see if it defrosts
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
We’re not cutting back, we’re just shortening the waste chain
We've got to downsize our sloppiness
We need to ensure we're all singing from the same hymn sheet before we push forward
Scatter the ideas across the floor and let's see where the chickens scratch
We will introduce a radical cost reduction action plan (C.R.A.P.)
Unemployment is higher than it was in 1994, but not as high as it would have been if the others had been in power
We will cut the deficit by ensuring that the increase in our rate of overspending is not as high as it otherwise would have been
I'll do whatever I can to make sure that the future of this country becomes entrenched
Frontline services will be protected but it may be necessary for some frontline services to be reclassified into the backoffice
Government waste is running out of control and it is essential that we ensure that any future waste will not be unnecessarily wasted (sorry?...)
Management is essential but we must ensure that these managers are effectively managed
We need to increase National Insurance so that it is not necessary to increase taxes

And my own particular favourite :

We need to deliver simplified contract management, effective service evolution and responsive scaling to requirement bringing cost savings by flexible services, control and balanced service levels

I will leave it up to you to work out who used that particular little gem...

The Wonder of You

From the BBC : 'Gordon Brown has attacked Conservative NHS plans - and been joined by an Elvis impersonator - as he sought to "up the tempo" of Labour's election campaign.'

I tried desperately to find something funny or witty to say about this, but frankly I just couldn't find anything more farcical than the reality. Will this idiot stop at nothing? God help us all!

Man undergoes first 'Full Face' transplant

A team of 30 Spanish doctors at Vall d'Hebron University Hospital revealed they have successfully performed the world's first full face transplant.

Another 10 face transplants have been carried out around the world, but this is believed to be the most complex.

Hospital spokesperson Bianca Bont said "This is the first total face transplant. There have been 10 operations of this kind in the world - this is the first to transplant all of the face and some bones of the face."

The man is pictured above with his wife Samantha. She commented "It's really thrilling for us. People were always saying how much Dave sounded just like Tony Blair. Well, now he looks like him as well."

Further operations have been planned, but the hospital is being very tight lipped about who the recipients and donors may be.

Does anyone out there have any ideas?

Three men in a boat called "Britain"

In the words of a poet called Robert Calvert :

Rowing, rowing,
Going nowhere
What do we care
If we get there?
Rowing, glowing,
Showing such flair
We're three men in a boat.

Sing-a-long-a-Gordon returns!

To commemorate the latest unemployment figures, here's my interpretation of Clapton's 'Layla' (sorry, Eric)

"What'll I do now I am jobless?
And I'm living on the dole...."

I really would like some other suggestions for Clegg & Cameron - it just seems too easy to be hitting Gordon all the time. But then again, he's a very easy target and he deserves it.

Desperate Gor-Dan

An "anti-Tory alliance", Gordon? Christ you really are desperate!

Go on! Jump! Please.

Let's play "Fantasy Government"

In the event of a LabServative Democrat government who would you like to see in the cabinet ?

The rules are simple - people have to be real and alive, but other than that you can have anyone. After all, Gordon does it that way doesn't he? You can give reasons if you like for any or all, serious or satirical.

I will reward a generous prize for the winner. My decision is final. No appeals to the European Court will be allowed. The prize is 10p - so you can use it to phone someone who gives a shit...

Here are my selections for the Fantasy Cabinet. Let's see yours!

Prime Minister : David Cameron (a toff always looks good)
Deputy Prime Minister : Nick Clegg (lost the toss of a coin with Cameron)
Chancellor : Vince Cable (best man in the wrong party in my view)
Foreign Secretary : William Hague (no-one patronises foreigners quite like him)
Home Secretary : Nick Clegg (Labour used this post to keep people out of the way)
Business & Consumer Affairs : Esther Rantzen (obvious choice)
Justice : Norman Lamb (he's actually a lawyer, which I would have thought could be handy)
Environment : Dick Sawbridge (demonstrates practical knowledge in the field)
Transport : Jeremy Clarkson
Defense : John Prescott (no-one would dare attack us with him in charge!)
Speaker : Jeremy Paxman (if Paxo can't get them to shut up, no-one can)
Energy : Simon Hughes (one Nick got right)
Europe : Nigel Farage (talks bollocks, so should fit in well)
Health : Gerry Robinson (Is there actually a doctor in any of the three party teams?)
Pensions : Teresa May (I wanted Barbara Castle, but she's dead and it seems Dave got this one right)
Northern Ireland : Gordon Brown (with luck they may shoot the bugger)
Scotland : Alex Salmond (let's face it, he's got the job anyway)
Wales : John Redwood (did such a good job last time)
Education : David Laws (seems to me Nick got this one right too)
Chief Whip : Peter Mandelson (You need a nasty, sneeky underhand bugger in that job)

What do you think ?