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The Dear Gill Letters (7)

Busy, busy, busy...

How wonderful to see you and your lovely hubby at Florrie's christening the other day. So glad you could come! I only wish we'd had more time to chat , but you know how it is these days - everybody wants to be seen with us, chat with us, be photographed with us! It's such a drag...

Dave's been a bit up to his eyes with it lately. After we had to cancel our holiday to Egypt at least he got the consolation prize with a trip to the Middle East. Embarassing though how the Libya thing all blew up when it did thought, what with Nick off skiing only Willy Vague was there to take the reins. Still the way it all turned out, just as well he was around to cop the blame really.

Have you got your invite to the wedding yet? I'm sorry we couldn't wangle you a better seat but up the back was the best we could do. They did suggest putting up a big screen in Hyde Park for the people we couldn't squeeze in but I thought that would be just SO tacky. Almost like a two tier invite system - although one of Dave's advisors thought it might be a good spot for Miliband. Sort of put him properly in his place, if you get what I mean?

I'm having such a problem with choosing my outfit. Even my trip to LFW hasn't really helped. Several of the fashion houses have offered freebies but what with the hoo-hah over Galliano, it's like a minefield. You turn one down in favour of another and next you know he's up to his neck in a scandal! I'm still not sure if he was serious, but Dave suggested we should be seen to be 'all in it together' and I should get something from Marks and Sparks, but I don't think so, do you? You can bet your bottom dollar Kate won't be getting hers there!

Big Society, my eye! It's High Society for me!

The Dear Gill letters (6)

The lady of the house is revolting...

Dear God, sometimes I just get so hopping mad, you know. I wish I was a student or something so I could go out and break things! Go back to my uni days when we could sit around and smoke pot and sing protest songs!

Since Dave got the 'big job' - that's what we call it because sometime it's just so shitty! - I've been trussed up in Downing Street like a turkey. I mean, the place is positively claustro-bloody-phobic. And it gets worse...Every time I go out, there's a policeman with me with a gun in his pocket. Either that or he's just pleased to see me, which wouldn't be so bad if he looked even remotely sexy! Oh lummy - I'm even beginning to envy Alan Johnson's missus...

Seriously, though, did you see that silly billy Sally in the papers? Old Bercy must have really pee'd her off for her to do that. I wonder what Dave would say if I did something like that, not that I would of course. No-one would want to look at my stretch marks, eh? Not quite so 'Glam Sam' after all...

I'm going to be hitting the big 4-0 in April though of course I'm only admitting to 35, so Dave wondered how I'd like to mark the occasion. I'd quite like a party but Dave says we've got enough trouble with the one we've got haha! Anyway, can you imagine the problems we'd have deciding who to put on the guest list and who to leave off? Actually, that could be quite fun come to think of it!

Plan B has gone out of the window as well as we've had to drop the idea of a romantic cruise up the Nile, bugger it. I really fancied a peek at old King Tut's des res but that's not going to happen now is it? And I know your sense of humour, so don't suggest Tunisia either or lunch is definitely orf next week, yah!

So it looks like a quiet romantic dinner somewhere if we can sneek out of the back door - or tunnel actually, but shhh - don't tell anyone. Nancy came out with a cracker, though. She thought Daddy could buy me some of that woodland that they're selling off and that it would be cool to go for nice long walks in it at weekends. Isn't that sweet? But then of course Arthur reminded her that Grandad already has several thousand acres of his own, and the moment passed rather.

Like I said, sometimes I could just throw something!

The Milipede's judgement

Is it just me that finds the Mighty Milipede completely unbelievable?

On Thursday, his shadow Chancellor resigned from the shadow cabinet. Whilst undoubtedly a likeable fellow - well, for a politician anyway - he was certainly behind the door when God gave out the economics degrees. Luckily for the Milipede, Alan Johnson gave him the perfect 'personal reasons' excuse to give him the chop.

Then he replaces him with a Brown clone. This is apparently good judgement.

On Friday, here is the Milipede again. This time he is crowing at the resignation of Andy Coulson, Cameron's communications director. This is because of the phone hacking row at the News of the Screws. Apparently, allowing him to stay on calls Dave's judgement into question.

So let's understand this clearly. When the Milipede appoints the wrong man, this is good judgement but when Cameron allows a man to stay on - innocent until proven guilty - this is bad judgement?

To my way of thinking, this is double standards by any stretch of the imagination...

The Dear Gill letters (5)

Britain's first lady seems unhappy...

I just can't tell what it's been like the last week or two - it's been so absolutely frightful. Everybody is up in arms about the changes that we are talking about making to disability payments. Dave is so upset. Anyone would think that we don't have any feelings about this at all - I mean after all we went through with our lovely Ivan, how could they be so heartless? Politics really does suck sometimes!

And if that's not bad enough, we're being forced to give votes to criminals. I mean, I ask you! What's the point of that? Dave's really not impressed. Sometimes the law really is an ass - and don't get me started on European law - I mean who runs this country anyway? Is it Dave or that awful von Pompy person? Or maybe it's old Merky? Or maybe it's just nobody any more. I just don't know what's what these days. That bloody Heath has done more damage with the stroke of a pen than Hitler ever did with all his bombs and stuff...

And the Milipedes are at it again! First they say that we are going to quickly and forcing things through without thinking enough, now they say we are backtracking and going too slowly. Dave's seething between you and me. I mean, it's not as if Red Ed's even got any policies of his own - he just rubbishes ours all the time! It's back to good old schoolyard games - yah! boo! my party's better than your party! It's pathetic. Still, Dave says he's so easy to put down with a one liner that he's beginning to enjoy it. "A chancellor who can't count and a leader who doesn't count." Classic. I came up with that one myself over a midnight feed!

Fancy old Chaytor getting sent off to chokey eh? Lock 'em all up and throw away the key I say. It's so pathetic really - like fiddling the petty cash. And Illsey faking his council tax - I mean that's not even ambitious fraud really is it?

And, of course, we had that silly by-election. Dave's got to face that dreadful Miliband person again and wave it all away like it doesn't matter - not that it does really as far as I can see, but then there's that dreaded male ego thing again, isn't there. They just can't bear to lose. It's so infantile, isn't it? I reckon our kids are more mature than some of our MPs.

And to top it all off we were up half the night waiting for the result. Well, Dave was anyway. I told him straight. I said "You know you won't win, so you might as well go to bed." Well at least I didn't have to get to see to Florrie - so I suppose men are useful for something...

And VAT? Well, the only VAT I'm interested in is a Vodka and Tonic so let's do lunch soon and we can spend some of the fees you've been making defending Chaytor and the rest of them. Bet Cherie wishes she'd got in on that one! Toodle pip,

The Dear Gill letters (4)

The insider girl's view of number 10...

Happy New Year to you and yours! Since my last letter we have had such a great time. Really wonderful for Dave and I to spend some quality time together without some frightful politician sticking his oar in all the time.

I said to Dave "Look, darling, the house isn't sitting so just let Nick get on with it for a while. He can't do too much damage while there's nothing to vote on!" and it's been luverly. Just laying back and watching the telly and playing with the kids. Heaven!

Talking of the telly, did you see Vince on Strictly. Nick was a bit peeved when he found out he was going to do it, but Dave said "No. Let him have a bit of fun." Actually, I think it was just to let him lay back a bit before those awful banker people land on him like tons of the old proverbial. I mean, I ask you. What's wrong with making a few quid in bonuses anyway? I think people are just jealous, but to be honest we don't begrudge Vince a good rollocking after those silly remarks he made about nukes! I mean, darling, why can't he just grasp the principal of collective cabinet responsibility - or as Dave calls it, doing what you're damn well told!

Hasn't the weather been simply frightful? Dave says thank God for devolution! Can you imagine the flack we would have got if there hadn't been a Scottish minister to take the fall? After all, they can't be silly enough to expect us to be sympathetic when they couldn't even elect one single Tory in the whole of Scotland. Serves the haggis bashing lefties right as far as I am concerned - just don't tell Dave I said so! Last thing we need is a referendum on independence. It's bad enough having to have one on voting!

Maybe it's just as well that we couldn't go to Thailand in the end. I mean can you imagine us stuck in the first class lounge at Heathrow for three days? At least with Chequers, there's always a convenient RAF helicoptor available if we're really stuck. Might even get that dishy Wills to fly it for us!

And, oh Sweetie! Don't they make such a delightful couple? So photogenic - that Kate's a real stunner. Even nicer in the flesh apparently. As Dave says, you just have to see these people for real these days what with all the airbrushing in the photos and stuff. Dave says he doesn't even want to think about touching people up after the stick he got during the election!

Still, new year - new problems. Dave's wondering how he can let the LibDems win the by-election without being seen to let them win and without getting a load of flack from the Milipedes for 'losing popular support'. I mean, we know we can't win it but we have to be seen to try. I said to Dave "For God's sake keep your distance from it, or you never know what the those dreadful student and lefties will cook up."

Anyway, better close. Perhaps we can do lunch once your hubby's loverly big bonus comes through? You can take me for a spin in his shiney new Porsche! Toodle pip!

The Dear Gill letters (3)

Never mind WikiLeaks, here's Glam Sam's latest letter...

Darling, I simply can't tell you what a relief it is to be getting a few days off over Christmas! The kids are really excited, although Florrie hasn't a clue what's going on really - I expect she'll be a LibDem when she grows up ha ha!

I was up Oxford Street the other night for a spot of late night shopping. God what a mess those student persons have made of the place! Dave reckons most of the trouble makers weren't real students - they were just a load of wasters after a bit of smash and grab judging by the broken windows - saving the dole money for drugs and booze, no doubt!

Looks like we're going to have to have Christmas at home this year. Bloody politics! We were going to have a couple of really nice weeks lying in the sun in Thailand until some little shit leaked it to the papers. Next thing we know they're bleating on about the security costing 50k and how it's not fair to be taking that out the public purse when we're talking about poor old civil servants losing their jobs because of the cuts. I ask you? Most of these people sit around all day doing nothing anyway and deserve to be on the dole queue. And because of them we lose our lovely holiday! It's just not fair. Dave works so hard and we simply deserve a little me time to ourselves...

Dave's really chuffed about the Mexico climate conference thing. He says it's a really significant step forward and if it does all go pear shaped, he can always blame Chris - who bats for the other side, if you catch my drift. And if this green funding things goes ahead to help the poorer countries, we might even qualify for some lovely lolly ourselves given the state we're in! Mind you, given all the stuff that's been dropping out of the sky in Scotland, I bet they'd be all in favour of a bit of global warming.

Monday night Dave turned the lights on at the Olympic stadium. Between you and I, he's a bit peeved at being landed with the tab for that particular sportsfest. Old Gordon really lumbered us with that one, the tinker! And looking at all those floodlights it's difficult to see how we can afford the electricity bill, never mind the rest of it.

Anyway, best close as there's someone at the door - at least living in Downing Street we know it's not some ghastly chugger with a plastic bin and a plastic Santa on a lorry!

Have a lovely Christmas.

The Dear Gill letters (2)

Continuing our raid on Samantha Cameron's post...

Well, it has been an eventful couple of weeks since my last letter and I'm sorry to hear that your brood were so upset about the World Cup thing!

At least some good came out of it - Dave was really delighted to be able to get away from it all and have a bit of time off in Switzerland. He loves the scenery there and the food! Well, how often do you get to have a good blow out for free? Not often these days especially after that awful expenses fuss last year.

To be honest Dave doesn't really like football but of course we have to pretend otherwise it's a real vote loser. After all, they played real football at his school. You know - rugby. He says it's much more of a man's game and he really doesn't see why kicking a ball round a bit of grass justifies paying some of these guys a hundred times more than he gets for running the country!

And having to spend time with that dreadful Beckham bloke? Well, Dave reckons the way he was strutting around the place it was hard to tell which was the real prince - him or Wills. Such a lovely boy and looks just like his mother. Wills that is, of course, not Beckham. He looks more like a 70's glam rock star these days. And that suit he was wearing! Where did he get it? Oxfam?

And to make things worse, I couldn't even go to a fashion show the other day without his appalling wife forcing her way in front of me at every photo opportunity. I said to her, I said "Who's the first lady here, dear? Certainly not you!" Talk about flashing the flesh in desperation - and have you seen the state of her legs? Everyone else seems to have. And what do the papers label me? 'Glam Sam' - oh please!

Anyway, at least now Dave hasn't got to find the money to pay for the footie. That would have been a real bummer after all the money he's just had to lend to the Irish! At least I suppose we'll be alright for a few holidays in County Cork for the next few years. And the way things are going, we'll need a bolt hole to get away from the great unwashed.

Students can be just so undignified, don't you agree? Where are their parents, that's what I want to know? Daddy would have been simply appalled if I'd carried on like that I can tell you so please don't tell me you let your two go to that dreadful demo thing! And what's all the fuss about anyway? After all, Dave and I both had a paid for education, so you could say we were leading by example.

What got Dave going was the reaction from the LibDem lot - I mean I know they promised not to put the fees up, but let's be fair. After all, we all make promises we know we can't keep when we know there's no chance of getting elected. Look at what Gordon was promising!

Dave says the hardest thing to do in power is to keep your promises, having said which I need to keep mine and read the bedtime story tonight, so must close. Tonight's is a fairy story called the 'The LibDem Manifesto' - sorry, only joking yah?

The Dear Gill letters (1)

The first of a (possible) series of letters from Samantha Cameron...

Many thanks for your last letter which has cheered me up no end. Dave has been a right old grump since he came back from a meeting with that dreadful Merkel woman. 'Old Murkey' we call her - always the prophet of doom and gloom, always trying to screw more money out of us. When is she going to get the message that we just haven't got any, I wonder?

I had lunch the other day with Sarah Brown. I have to say she looked completely out of place in the Cafe Royal, but then they'll let anyone in there these days. Standards have just dropped so low...

There was lots of baby talk before she eventually got to the point. She seems to think that if we can wangle Gordon a job in the EU Finance Ministry then he reckons he could sort out all this nasty Euro business that's been going on. I didn't like to say so, but wasn't it his fault that the country went broke in the first place? As far as I can see, the EU lot seem to being doing all right on that front by themselves without any more help from Gordon.

Still, I have to say that that Nick Clegg is a really lovely bloke. Dave says he's always willing to take his share of the flack when things go pear shaped. Can't say I take to his wife though. She's alright, but she's Spanish you know - so she keeps banging on about how Spain could be the next country to go down the pan. Seems to be trying to help them by getting through the Rioja though, if you catch my drift?

Nick used to be an MEP, so Dave has to be just SO careful in what he says about 'The Fourth Reich' as he calls it in case Nick gets upset. We need his votes to stay at number ten otherwise I'm going to have to running up the bills in the Harrods' soft furnishing department again. The drapes here were just so GHASTLY that we simply had to change them. That last bloke had such awful taste. And they cost a packet, so jolly good job the tax payer's picking up the bill, yah?

Anyway, must close now as Florrie's yelling. I know I said I'd do anything to help Dave get the job and she's such a little poppet, but at times like this I really wonder if it was worth it! And now that dreadful Miliband person's gone and jumped on the bandwagon and had one of his own. Politicians, eh! Who'd have 'em?

That special relationship....

Obummer has just had a birthday and we've had a change of leader. So why not take a moment to reflect on the 'Special Relationship'?

America is pulling its troops out of Iraq, so there's a glimmer of hope that we might get out of there soon too. Unfortunately, this means that there will be troops released to go to Afghanistan - where, as we already know, it is dangerous for our troops to stand in front of theirs - or indeed to be found anywhere under the USAF.

Still, we junior partners know our place - which is why we are being directed by an American general.

Then there is the impending takeover of BP by Exxon much whispered about by the underground press. They've already got rid of Tony Hayward and replaced him with one of their own. And they have also conveniently overlooked the fact that the troubled well was drilled by a rig leased from them and operated by Americans. If Dave allows that to happen, then we might as well apply to be the next state! At least that will get us out of the EU...

And then there is the Magrahi affair. These cheeky fuckers have the nerve to summon Jack Straw, the Scottish Justice Minister and Tony Hayward to attend a Congressional Enquiry. When they all declined, the yanks decided to send one of theirs over to interview them. Thankfully, the Scots showed some admirable backbone and told them to get stuffed thus halting yet another devious manoeuvre in the BP takeover.

Well done Scotland. Your country is not an American state, although ours appears to be in danger of becoming one...

ANT and DEC - The Charity Appeal

As the President of Pakistan is visiting Chequers today, I thought it would be a good time to roll out my good friends, ANT and DEC.

No - not that Ant and Dec! - ANT (Another Natural Tragedy) and DEC (the Disasters Emergency Committee). These two are once again asking for your money to bail out the flood victims in Pakistan.

Perhaps when Asif Ali Zardari is taking to David Cameron today and, no doubt holding out the begging bowl for Britains cash, he should be reminded that Pakistan is the same nation whose people last week were out in the streets burning our national flag and effigies of the man he is talking to. Perhaps he should also be reminded that our government has already pledged millions for their aid.

That aid is, of course, not government money. It is taxpayers' money. Donated without a mandate on our behalf. Money we don't actually have.

So whilst the appeal launched last night is tugging at your heart strings, do what I do and remind yourself of this : "I already gave"

Paki bashing

Seems that Call-me-Dave has pissed off the Pakis!

Those of us that grew up in the sixties will remember that Paki bashing was a national pastime in those days. Then we got used to seeing them everywhere and them having a shop on every corner, so we accepted them as part of the national landscape.

Nothing wrong with that. The vast majority are law abiding, hard working citizens - so it's a good thing that the bigotry has gone.

Also, the Pakistanis in this country are a damn sight safer than they would be in their country of origin. It should be remembered that until recently, Pakistan was a military dictatorship which is about as far from a democracy as it is possibe to get! And old habits die hard...

Pakistan nominally allys itself with the United States in the global war on terror. However, terrorism is rife in the country mainly due to reactions to General Zia ul-Haq's controversial "Islamization" policies and his involvement in the Soviet-Afghan War, which led to greater influx of ideologically driven Afghan Arabs in the tribal areas and the explosion of kalashnikov and drugs culture. The state and the CIA encouraged the "mujahideen" to fight the proxy war against the Soviet Union, most of these groups were never disarmed after the war and were later encouraged by the Taliban to achieve the state's agenda in Kashmir and Afghanistan. The same groups are now taking on the state itself.

Between 2007 and 2009, more than 5,500 people were killed in terrorist attacks on civilians. These are attributed to a number of sources: sectarian violence - mainly between Sunni and Shia Muslims, the easy availability of guns and explosives of a "kalishnikov culture" and influx of ideologically driven "Afghan Arabs" based in or near Pakistan, Islamist insurgent groups and forces such as the Taliban and Lashkar-e-Taiba, and secessionists movements blamed on regionalism problematic in a country with Pakistan's diverse cultures, languages, traditions and customs.

So Pakistan has a double problem. It needs to be seen to support the US in its war in Afghanistan, and at the same time is being terrorised at home by sectarian and separatist terrorists. But on the other hand, it has been manouevred by the Taliban to support actions in disputed areas such as Kashmir. So at the same time it is trying to both fight and support the Taliban.

This would seem to make David Cameron's remarks about them trying to look both ways highly pertinent...

War - a fresh perspective

Seems there have been one or two fuck ups lately on the warfare front.

First, Nick Clegg stands up in his first Prime Minister's Questions and describes the Iraq War as 'illegal'. Oh dear. Sharp intakes of breath from the Tories behind him who voted for the war.

It should, however, be remembered that the Lib Dems have always regarded the war as illegal. It should also be remembered that just because someone voted for the war, that didn't make it legal. Show me the dodgy dossier and persuade me that Blair has integrity (difficult in my case), and I might have voted for it. But that still doesn't make it legal - so I reckon fair enough, Cleggy.

Then Call-me-Dave pops across the water to liaise with the great black hope. Unfortunately, he then pisses off the yanks by describing Britain's presence in Iraq as a 'supporting role'. True, but not very palatable. It's America's war, they're fucking it up and we seem to be covering all the difficult stuff. Truth hurts!

But just to show that he's not biased, Dave then pisses off his own veterans by saying that Britain played a junior role in World War II. Well, Dave, that's bollocks because if the Japs hadn't bombed Pearl Harbour we'd still be waiting for the yanks to arrive - just like in the first war.

So, all in all, I reckon that's 2-1 on the war front. Not a great result, but a result nevertheless...

Obama and Cameron have 'frank' discussion

Obama - hanging on the telephone...

US President,Barack Obama, has had a 'frank but friendly' discussion with Prime Minister, David Cameron.

This blog has received an exclusive transcript of their conversation :

Pres : "Hi, Dave. BO here. How's it hanging, ol' buddy?"

PM : "Great. And can I just say right away how much I really appreciate your troops not shooting me while I was in Afghanistan the other day."

Pres : "Don't sweat it, Dave. You just have to remember not to stand in front of our guys and you'll be just fine!"

PM : "This line is secure, right?" (There is a sound of sniggering in the background)

Pres : "Absolutely, Dave. We can say anything we want and not even MI5 or the CIA will know anything about it. Say, can we talk about this oil thing with British Petroleum. It's kinda giving me a hard time here..."

PM : "Well, I can see that would be difficult - but you know I have had strong words with Tony Hayward and he tells me that the oil's not hemorrhaging half as fast BPs share price."

Pres : "That guy couldn't plug a hole in his own ass, least of all a Gulf oil spill! Guess you know we're gonna insist on you guys paying for all this shit."

PM : "That could be a problem. You see we're flat broke over here at the moment. Perhaps we could pay you in some other way?"

Pres : "As long as you're not gonna suggest oil. We've got rather too much of that over here at the moment"

PM : "No, actually I was going to suggest double or quits on the football on Saturday. If we win, you pick up the tab. If you win, we'll let you have BP!"

Pres : "You're on, Dave. We'll whoop you assholes good!"

At this point, there is a twenty minute argument about the relative merits of soccer and basketball after which the President hangs up. Cameron is heard to remark "I think that went rather well, don't you?"

That election result in full!

David Cameron's sing-a-long-a-voter

Here's Dave doing a bit of Elton John with his personal appeal to you to elect him on May 6th.

"I guess that's why you vote for the blues
You've had enough of the lies and untruths
They treat you like children
Think that it's funny
Raise all your taxes
And spend all your money
So I guess that's why you vote for the blues"

Timing is everything

At last! I have been highly critical over the last few weeks of the lack of policy statements coming out of the Conservative Party.

When this campaign started at the beginning of the year, I understood why David Cameron was reluctant to put detailed policies on paper. Only an idiot would give his opponents the opportunity to steal their policies and present them as their own - and let's be honest, Labour are experts at doing precisely that.

Even in Thursday night's debate, I felt that Cameron did not nail Brown by coming out with concrete promises and guarantees, and consigning the Labour scaremongerng machine to the dustbin of history.

Well, I'm sorry Dave. I apologize. Your leaflet today leaves me in no doubt that I have greatly underestimated you because here it is at last.

I'm also sorry that I waited until today to vote, because like many others I was swayed by the polish and style of the LibDem performance. But while I think the electoral system is wrong, I'm not going to pay for changing it by giving amnesties to illegal immigrants and joining the Euro.

But there is one thing I am not sorry about - watching the death throes of a man who has done more damage to this nation than Hitler. Better start booking the removal van, Gordon - and good riddance!

I am now beginning to really believe that the Labour nightmare is drawing to a close - and frankly I can't wait to see the destruction of Brown by his own party once the voting is over. Never has it been more richly deserved.

My vote is in the post. Now let's get on with sorting this shambles out...

Come clean Cleggy - who ya gonna sleep with?

Tonight's the night of the third debate - but I bet no-one is going to put these questions forward :

To Cameron and Brown : What are you going to promise Nick Clegg to get him in bed with you?

To Nick Clegg : Can you trust either of these buggers to honour their promises?

First it's Labour, then you can't work with Brown, then you can again. It's not inspiring me with confidence...

I think we have a right to have these questions answered before we decide where to put our votes.

And just in case you need a lighter note, here's a cracking litte Clegg song I nicked off YouTube (Thanks to TommyReckless - nice one!)

Man undergoes first 'Full Face' transplant

A team of 30 Spanish doctors at Vall d'Hebron University Hospital revealed they have successfully performed the world's first full face transplant.

Another 10 face transplants have been carried out around the world, but this is believed to be the most complex.

Hospital spokesperson Bianca Bont said "This is the first total face transplant. There have been 10 operations of this kind in the world - this is the first to transplant all of the face and some bones of the face."

The man is pictured above with his wife Samantha. She commented "It's really thrilling for us. People were always saying how much Dave sounded just like Tony Blair. Well, now he looks like him as well."

Further operations have been planned, but the hospital is being very tight lipped about who the recipients and donors may be.

Does anyone out there have any ideas?

Three men in a boat called "Britain"

In the words of a poet called Robert Calvert :

Rowing, rowing,
Going nowhere
What do we care
If we get there?
Rowing, glowing,
Showing such flair
We're three men in a boat.

Let's play "Fantasy Government"

In the event of a LabServative Democrat government who would you like to see in the cabinet ?

The rules are simple - people have to be real and alive, but other than that you can have anyone. After all, Gordon does it that way doesn't he? You can give reasons if you like for any or all, serious or satirical.

I will reward a generous prize for the winner. My decision is final. No appeals to the European Court will be allowed. The prize is 10p - so you can use it to phone someone who gives a shit...

Here are my selections for the Fantasy Cabinet. Let's see yours!

Prime Minister : David Cameron (a toff always looks good)
Deputy Prime Minister : Nick Clegg (lost the toss of a coin with Cameron)
Chancellor : Vince Cable (best man in the wrong party in my view)
Foreign Secretary : William Hague (no-one patronises foreigners quite like him)
Home Secretary : Nick Clegg (Labour used this post to keep people out of the way)
Business & Consumer Affairs : Esther Rantzen (obvious choice)
Justice : Norman Lamb (he's actually a lawyer, which I would have thought could be handy)
Environment : Dick Sawbridge (demonstrates practical knowledge in the field)
Transport : Jeremy Clarkson
Defense : John Prescott (no-one would dare attack us with him in charge!)
Speaker : Jeremy Paxman (if Paxo can't get them to shut up, no-one can)
Energy : Simon Hughes (one Nick got right)
Europe : Nigel Farage (talks bollocks, so should fit in well)
Health : Gerry Robinson (Is there actually a doctor in any of the three party teams?)
Pensions : Teresa May (I wanted Barbara Castle, but she's dead and it seems Dave got this one right)
Northern Ireland : Gordon Brown (with luck they may shoot the bugger)
Scotland : Alex Salmond (let's face it, he's got the job anyway)
Wales : John Redwood (did such a good job last time)
Education : David Laws (seems to me Nick got this one right too)
Chief Whip : Peter Mandelson (You need a nasty, sneeky underhand bugger in that job)

What do you think ?