Tonight, I lost my ability to 'compartmentalise'.
Tonight, I allowed myself become a woman again and felt the warmth over every inch of my skin.
Tonight, I walked home with tears in my eyes.
You know how when you leave out a block of frozen meat to thaw, and as it softens, condensation forms around it, creating a pool of water from the melted ice. Yeah, that was what happened to my heart. It thawed and ruined my mascara.
I haven't felt like this in years. I remember telling myself a few months back, that perhaps I've lost the ability to love or at least develop a sense of fondness for anyone. Perhaps my heart has simply turned stone cold and numb.
But tonight was one of the most amazing nights in my life that I will never forget.
As I laid on the grass, in the warmth of his arms, I stared at the velvet blue sky sprinkled with stars and felt like the luckiest whore on the planet. The breeze whispered a sweet tune as we chatted and kissed in the dim lit park behind my house. I've never brought anyone anywhere near the proximity of my home. Not even boyfriends.
Popeye waited for me at the Jurong Point taxi stand where I picked him up at about 9pm. We've been texting each other eversince our first meetup on Wednesday and decided less than a few hours ago to meet again. When he asked (sms) whether we're meeting as a client or friend, I teased him and said I've upgraded him to friend status.
If I was whoring purely to make money, then this probably isn't productive and not such a smart business move. But my intentions from the beginning was to meet people from different walks of life, those whom I would probably never meet as our paths will never cross. Popeye was one of them.
In a way, I'm rather glad I took up escorting. If not this magical moment would have never happened.
I've been to the park once before for a jog and discovered the place. We 'hiked' up to the peak of the hill and found that there were already a few other couples that were way ahead of us. With no vacant benches, we settled for the grass and just started to chat. I started off with a confession. Now that we're friends, I wanted him to know my real name. He asked for my real age but I was still in denial and refused to reveal it. Heh.
We talked about alot of things... his work, his family. As we laid down and looked at the stars, he pointed out which ones were stars, planets and satelites. I'm secretly starting to adore him even more now. I told him about my day, how I went to buy 2 of Adam Lambert's CD just to get a chance at a lucky draw. Of course he mocked me for it and wouldn't stop teasing about it later. He said he really like being in Singapore cos back in England (he's from the north) you can never do this (lie down in a park at night, cos it would be 18 degrees outside).
The setting was perfect and as I snuggled up and laid my head on his chest, my right hand went under his shirt to rub his nipples. Did I mention how I love the way our body 'fits'? We kissed a little bit more and then he asked about my family and I told him about my initial impression of sailors. But then we saw a few people walking up to where we were and we had to quickly sit up and look innocent. We talked some more and I told him that I'm not usually like this... sentimental and all. Then he said something like - he tries not to feel attached to anything as his jobs requires him to be away for many many weeks.
[urgghh..Water works again. *breathe... breathe*... Damn PMS]
And of course I try to understand what he is trying to say. That I shouldn't start to develop these feelings for him cos it might not lead to anything. But it was the sudden realisation that even as I was sitting beside him, it is not the real me that he sees. He knows me, from merely TWO days ago, as the social escort who was paid $150/hr to have sex with him. I am a prostitute. And no man can ever love a prostitute.
An undescribable heaviness landed on my heart as I reminded myself that this ain't a tv-series that I'm watching... it is my life. I'm a prostitute. Oh my god, I'm a prostitute. How did I even dare to think that he will like me?
[...more water works]
Then I felt his hand rubbing my back. Perhaps he felt my sadness. Whats sad is also that his stay in Singapore has been cut short and he'll be leaving next week. Well, everyone's got to wake up from their dreams, right?
But at least we still had this last few moments to share and I wanted to make the memories last. As we kissed and I gazed into his bluish-grey eyes, I worked my way through his belt and undo his buttons and voila! He was right about the stiffy. He was complaining that he was walking around in it all day.
I wanted him to have the best blow ever and leave Singapore with fond memories. It is nice to blow when you really mean it to be good, as you don't have the tendency to gag. I worked him for about 5 mins and then I heard the oh-so-familiar line - "I think I'm about to cum". Usually I'ld love to see their faces when they cum but this time, I didn't want to lose the momentum and pace. So I continued sucking untill I tasted the warm, thick liquid in my mouth. With my lips still wrapped around this 7-incher, I swallowed his cum and didn't leave a drop. Its not so messy that way... being outdoors and all.
When I turned to look at him, his face was blushing red and I teased him for panicking. Then he said I was a really naughty girl. Everyone says that. I still wonder why.
As we continued to lie down, he placed his arms around me and we snuggled really tight. I love his scent. Hugo Boss. I told him that if I ever miss him, I'll have to go sniff a Hugo Boss scent card from the department store. He turned and held me tighter and planted a kiss on my forehead.
That moment... will last me an eternity. Nobody.. and I say nobody, has ever kissed me on the forehead. Not even mom. And it was the most comforting and beautiful feeling I have ever felt in my entire life.
Soon it was time to go and we slowly made our way down to the main road so that he can catch a cab back to Tuas. On our way down, he said he wished we had met 10 months earlier (when he was in Singapore) and I said we can still kep in touch through emails. And then he alerted me about how there won't be any internet connections while he's at sea (usually 4 weeks long)..."So if I have not replied, don't think that I'm ignoring you", he said.
We kissed our last goodbye as I waved him away in the blue Comfort.
Crickets... the sound of cars whizzing by... silence... and I'm back to being alone again.
I whipped out my Jalou and played that song by Katie Melua - Piece by Piece...
First of all must go
Your scent upon my pillow
And then I'll say goodbye
to your whisper in my dreams
And then our lips will part
In my mind and in my heart
Cos your kiss
Went deeper than my skin
Piece by piece
is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss
Will leave my mind
One at a time
One at a time
I'll shed like skin
Our memories of lazy days
And fade away the shadow of your face...
I really need to get new mascara cos this supposed waterproof one doesn't seem to be tearproof.
Guess I'm not as heavy-duty as I thought...
xoxo.
