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Small town music night

Do you live in a small English town? If you do then you should really relate to this song. You might even know some of the people that feature in it...

To celebrate National No Smoking Day, this song is dedicated to my friends Leg Iron, BilloTheWisp and the Filthy Engineer as well as all the rest of you out there who like a smoke and a drink and don't like being told what is good for you...

Best enjoyed with a pair of headphones and the volume full up!

"I Like to Blog" - the blogging song!

Sorry - been a bit remiss with the musical elements of this blog lately, so to put this right, here's something for the weekend dedicated to all you bloggers out there...

Lunacy In The Sky With Diamonds

As a former musician, this story really got to me. We whinge on about degrees not being worth the paper they are written on these days, but a Masters Degree in the Beatles!

The lady in question is Canadian, Mary-Lu Zahalan-Kennedy - which is a lyric in itself and incidentally scans with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Freaky or what! She has just graduated with an MA, the first of twelve students to take the course.

What can I say -

"There's A Place" called Liverpool Hope University where "Rock And Roll Music" is regarded as "The Long And Winding Road" to future prosperity. "Lovely Rita" has "A Shot Of Rhythm And Blues" in her "Young Blood"!

"Oh! Darlin'," life's "Magical Mystery Tour" down "Penny Lane" has "Sexy Sadie" above looking "Across The Universe" for "Money". After all, it's "Every Little Thing" that "The Fool On The Hill" could wish for.

"I Don't Want To Spoil The Party" but it's "Only a Northern Song", so "Tell Me Why" "There's A Place" that "What Goes On" is so "Nowhere --,Man".

"I'm Looking Through You" and "It's All Too Much". "I've Got A Feeling" "It Won't Be Long" before "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down And Cry" "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" "For No One" "Because" "I Should Have Known Better".

"Help!", "I'm A Loser" and "I Want To Tell You" that "I'm Down"

You can read this ridiculous story - together with it's pompous soundbites - by clicking here.

"From Me to You", "I am the Walrus"...

"I'll be back." "It Won't be Long."

(That's enough Beatles' songs - Ed.)

Music for the Royal Wedding

News just out that Leaping Lord Lloyd-Webber of Lambourne is a bit pissed off about the Royal Wedding. Apparently he expects to be asked to compose a special piece of music for the occassion, the fucking arrogant little twat!

He's probably also not too pleased to find out that geriatric has been musicado Paul McCartney has been invited to play at the Palace at the reception party. Well, it was never going to be Ozzy Ozbourne was it?...

I dunno - first a second hand ring and then a second rate rocker!

Anyway, as we are trying to keep the costs down, I thought it only fair to offer my musical services to the happy couple free of charge. Here's my suggestions for my set at the nuptial gig (original artists in brackets) -

I'm Not in Love (10cc)
Every Day I Love You Less and Less (Kaiser Chiefs)
Don't Marry Her (Beautiful South)
Only Love Can Break Your Heart (Neil Young)
You're Gonna Lose That Girl (Beatles)
Nothing Lasts Forever (Echo & the Bunnymen)
Smack My Bitch Up (Prodigy)
I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock and Roll (Nick Lowe)
Grounds for Divorce (Elbow)
Heaven Knows I'm miserable now (Smiths)
50 ways to Leave Your Lover (Paul Simon)
Marriage is for Old Folks (Nina Simone)
A Punchup at a Wedding (Radiohead)
William, It Was Really Nothing (Smiths)

...and to round off the evening, a medley of ...

A Cunt Like You (Whitehouse)
Too Drunk to Fuck (Dead Kennedys)
It's All Over Now (Rolling Stones)

Any other suggestions?

READ MORE » Music for the Royal Wedding

The day after Christmas...

I think John Lennon could have put this better, so I've improved it for him as a Boxing Day treat for you all...

I was going to run a video of him singing "Cold Turkey" but that seemed too cliche'd even for me!

On the other hand....

...does sound like a Boxing Day song to me!

Happy Christmas - with a song...

It's Christmas day, so frankly if you are reading this, then you too are a truly sad bastard!

Here's my musical Christmas greeting to you all...

Sir Cliff's 2010 Christmas Song

I used to be in the music business, so I've used my influence to get Sir Cliff to re-record one of his old Christmas songs in the sure hope of landing that elusive number one he's been chasing for so long...

The Quango Song (What a Waste!)

Look - just 'cos I'm out flying somewhere over the ocean doesn't mean that I can't just interject the odd nugget...

Here's a song I did with my favourite backing group, the Blockheads, to commemorate, hopefully, burning (or in this case drowning) all those quangos - although I'll believe it when I see it

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Lying Eyes (The Miliband mix)

This one was, frankly, too obvious to miss so I just had to do it!

Here's a version of the Eagles' classic "Lyin' Eyes" suitably adapted to take account of Red Ed's piercing stare...

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A song for global warming day

Today is 10:10:10 and is being marked by a day of action to force people to make a commitment to reduce their emissions by 10%.

I use the word 'force' advisedly due to a recent appalling bad taste 'mini-movie' - that's a propaganda video to you and me - which shows people being blown up if they don't agree with the eco-loonies at 10:10UK.

Anyway, here is an original song by me which I am submitting as my contribution to 10:10:10 day :

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Incidentally, the biggest contribution to greenhouse gasses is the carbon dioxide produced by people when they breathe out, so if we could get some of these prats to stop breathing...

The Ratshitter Rap

As I seem to be on a roll this week taking the piss out of the catholic church - and let's face it, it ain't difficult - here's something for the weekend...

Pope Benedict XVI does 'The Ratshitter Rap'

+ + + + + STOP PRESS + + + + +

My good friend, Old Nick tells me that I have just been nominated for burning at the stake for this little piece of 'heresy'...

I hate wogs

After all this stuff about eco-fascists, I think we need a little light relief, so here's an interesting ditty by Eric Bogle.

Not very politically correct, but that's Australians for you!

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Red Miliband - the new single !

As promissed yesterday, here is the exciting new single from Red Miliband's solo album :

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Red Ed to release solo album !

News just out that "Red Ed" Miliband has split from Los Milibandos and is to release a solo album...

Comprising cover versions of well known songs, here's the track list with original artists in brackets :

The Carnival is Over (Seekers)
Leader of The Gang (Gary Glitter)
Dance With The Devil (Cozy Powell)
He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (Hollies)
We're All Crazy Now (Slade)
He's Gonna Step On You Again (John Kongas)
Brothers in Arms (Dire Straits)
Gonna Get Along Without You (Viola Wills)
The Harder I Try (Brother Beyond)
Tired of Toeing the Line (Rocky Burnette)
I Scare Myself (Thomas Dolby)
Road to Hell (Chris Rea)
Wishful Thinking (China Crisis)
Dreams Are 10 a Penny (Kincade)
Shattered Dreams (Johnny Hates Jazz)

TOMORROW : Exclusive video of the single from the album. Watch this space!

P.S. - A note for Ian fucking Hislop :
Feel free to steal this post for the Eye, but this time at least give me a byline - which is more than you did last time.