Play happy families with Hitler...

A Happy Families type card game caled "Fuhrer Quartett" has been put on sale in Germany.

The set of cards contains pictures and information on notorious historical figures such as Hitler, Franco of Spain and Ceaucescu of Romania. Each card features one dictator, the country he ruled, his educational background and how long he was in power.

A spokesman for the publishers said "We didn't really have a clear political idea in mind with the game but we did want to take away some of the power that these figures still have. When you can laugh at them, you don't fear them as much. I think we succeeded in finding the right mix of seriousness and fun!" Hmmm...

I get the impression that if I had invented this game myself and posted it on here, then you would have thought I was kidding, but I swear to you this is real. It never ceases to amaze me to what depths of stupidity and insensitivity people can sink to.

Strangely enough, the original game of Quartett was very popular in the Nazi era, so I suppose this version shouldn't really surprise me.

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Frying tonight...

Take a good look at picture on the left.

It's an electrified third rail on the railway line. It's dangerous. It will kill you if you touch it.

And yet I've just been listening to some poor sod on the breakfast news bleating on about losing their daughter when she touched the third rail taking a short cut home.

This incidentally was not some small kid, but an adolescent teenager.

The mother apparently blames PS2 games where you get up again when you're killed for distorting kids' sense of real danger. She blames lack of authority for kids playing on railway lines. She blames lack of signage.

I am sorry for her loss, but she seems to be blaming everyone but herself. It's tragic, but at the end of the day, you have to take some responsibility for your kids upbringing yourself as well.

Still, look on the bright side. You can always sue Railtrack.

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Football - Time for new rules?

It seems to me that the whole game of football has become rather staid and boring and we could do with a fresh look at the rules....

The great Ball Court in the Mayan city of Chichen Itza

As you know, I rather fail to see the entire point of this daft game, so I have had a look back at the way it all started. The Mayans, Tolceks and Aztecs of central and south America seem to have invented it, not us Brits as we have always claimed...

The Mayans used a rubber ball about 20" in diameter. The game was played on a court with sloping walls and two stone rings. Two teams played against each other. The object of the game was to get the ball through the opponents' ring without touching it with your hands.

It was common for the captain of the losing team to be de-capitated and for his head to be used as the core for the new ball.

Stephen Gerrard take note...

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What in God's name are we teaching our kids ????

It's Easter Sunday, the family are all coming round for lunch, then perhaps we'll all settle down to a nice game of Monopoly. You remember - that good old property trading game we play at Chistmas and family gatherings. It teaches our kids how to handle money and helps hone their bargaining and social skills...

Well, guess what? - they've updated it!

Now I can understand that the money values on the notes might need to be increased a bit, although I think that taking the top value from 500 to 2.5 million is just a little over the top - even by New Labour's estimates of inflation - but replacing roads with entire cities seems just a little excessive to me!

But that's not the worst of it! They've done away with the money! There is now a version where you deal with a plastic card and the bank is just a crappy bit of electronic shit that sits around doing not a lot -although this is admittedly a lot like real banks....

So why the hell have they done this? How are our kids supposed to learn to count change and do simple adding and subtraction? Well this is what the makers, Parkers, have to say about it :

"Players will instead use a Visa mock debit card to keep track of how much they win or lose" - so not like real life where the only winners are the card companies. And what about the other card companies? Why are they not represented?

Well that's because "It is part of an international deal between Parker and finance giant Visa, which designed the mock debit card and its electronic machine" - or, in other words, "We got it for free to promote their product."

"The new electronic Monopoly reflects the changing nature of society and the advancement of technology" - so we brainwash the kids into using plastic instead of cash. After all, a recent survey of 6th formers revealed that over 80% thought a credit card never had to be paid off! That should be good for Visa's profits!

"The new version follows a YouGov survey of 2,056 adults which showed 70% used cash less often than they did a decade ago" - well, we kind of guessed that the government had a finger in there somewhere.

Now we get to the real reason : "Monopoly Here and Now Electronic Banking costs around £24.99, compared to £12.99 for the standard "cash" version" - so basically it is nothing to do with the aforementioned claptrap; it's about making an extra 12 quid a shot for the same product...

Anyway, in the interests of fairness, here are 20 suggestions for the 'chance' and 'community chest' cards in the next version of Monopoly - all in the interests of reflecting the reality of the modern world, you understand :

• "The Russians have bombed Berlin, fall back to Paris"
• "Suicide bombers have destroyed your station. Pay £1m  for repairs"
• "You have only paid the minimum balance on your credit card. Pay £100 interest" (Oh! Sorry! They already used that one)
• "You have been issued with an ASBO - so get out of jail free"
• "You are pregnant and lose your job. Receive £50,000 compensation"
• "You are elected to Parliament. Claim £10,000 expenses"
• "Minister agrees to represent your lobbying group. Advance to Go"
• "Stock market crashes. Recieve £20,000 from your Hedge Fund"
• "Prime Minister declares support for US - Go immediately to Kabul, do not pass go or recieve equipment"
• "Your pension fund matures. Recieve sod all"
• "Bank profits down! Recieve £250,000 bonus"
• "Recieve student loan £2,500" (Sorry, that's just too unbelievable!)
• "You retire from Parliament. Recieve golden goodbye of £63,000"
• "Pay road tax on your 4x4 of £960"
• "You buy a million pound house. Pay £50,000 stamp duty"
• "Your ageing mother needs to go into a care home. Return one property to the bank"
• "Your boob implants leak. Receive £25,000 compensation"
• "Budget announced! Go immediately to a different country"
• "You bet £5,000 on England losing the World Cup. Recieve £10 winnings"
• "You have spoken out against the Government. Go immediately to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not recieve fair trial"

If you can think of any more suggestions, then please leave a comment. I'm sure the makers will be duly grateful....

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