2018 : The nation is gutted



The three stooges : Beckham, Wills and Cameron in Zurich

Every household in the nation was gutted last night as it was announced that England will not be hosting the 2018 FIFA World Cup.

Well, no actually. That's bollocks...

Mrs D and I heaved a hefty sigh of relief when we found that this monumental waste of time, effort and money will not be coming to our shores. Indeed, when it was announced that we only got two votes - frankly one more than I expected - we almost found an excuse to crack open the bottle of Bolly that's languishing in my kitchen cupboard waiting for an excuse to be drunk!

And there's even more bollocks to be found. Here's some reactions :

"This decision has cost the UK about £4 billion." Bollocks! More likely it's saved us 7 or 8. Just look at the bill for the bloody Olympics.

"We need to have an enquiry into the state of English football." Bollocks! The opposition is jumping on the bandwagon. We don't need an enquiry - we're just no fucking good at the game.

"FIFA are sending a message to the world about where they want the World Cup." Bollocks! That's why they had an announcement yesterday, you prat!

"It's desperately sad." Bollocks, Dave! It's a bloody relief you don't have to spend all that money you keep telling us we don't have.

"The BBC didn't do us any favours." Bollocks! The BBC did us a huge great bloody favour!

And why did Russia get the World Cup?

Well, they probably know more about corruption than just about anyone else on the planet, so it's obvious : we simply didn't offer a big enough bribe...

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Oh Shit! It's the 2018 World Cup!

Just when you thought is was all over for another four years and you were coming to terms with yet another boring football season being foisted upon us, news this week that the FIFA inspectors have arrived to inspect England's facilities in connection with their 2018 World Cup bid.

Frankly, I can't believe that having successfully bid for an Olympics that we have no money to pay for, that discreditted load of shitbags known as the Brown government has dropped us in it for another load of pretentious, unaffordable flag waving.

It's time this country came to terms with the fact that we don't actually have any money - something the coalition keeps ramming home. So where exactly is the money going to come from to pay for this load of gobshite!?

And if you want any more evidence that this was thought up by a load of fucking idiots, take a look at the picture above - 3 cunts for the price of one!

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Anyone for a blow job?

There are thousands of disappointed football fans in the Netherlands.

"But of course there are!" I hear you say. "They lost the World Cup Final."

Ah - but that's not all. Dutch porn star Bobbi Eden offered to give all her Twitter followers oral sex if they won. But they didn't...

Prior to the match, Eden wrote: "If Netherlands wins the worldcup I will give a BJ to all my followers." After some quizzed her about the offer, she confirmed "I will give them a free Blow Job :)... It is real! BJ for all followers."

"Details on how to collect your Blow Job will be given on Monday after the worldcup final! Go team BJ... My body is throbbing with all the excitement!"

After making the offer, Eden could claim over 64,688 Twitter followers, up from 4,804 the day before.

That's a lot of disappointed Dutchmen...

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Football - Time for new rules?

It seems to me that the whole game of football has become rather staid and boring and we could do with a fresh look at the rules....

The great Ball Court in the Mayan city of Chichen Itza

As you know, I rather fail to see the entire point of this daft game, so I have had a look back at the way it all started. The Mayans, Tolceks and Aztecs of central and south America seem to have invented it, not us Brits as we have always claimed...

The Mayans used a rubber ball about 20" in diameter. The game was played on a court with sloping walls and two stone rings. Two teams played against each other. The object of the game was to get the ball through the opponents' ring without touching it with your hands.

It was common for the captain of the losing team to be de-capitated and for his head to be used as the core for the new ball.

Stephen Gerrard take note...

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Oh shit! It's the World Cup

Dear God! How I hate football.

I'm already fed up to the back teeth with the build up. But for the next few weeks every TV channel will be clogged up to the hilt with weeks of boring pre-match bullshit, tedious posts mortem from so-called experts and, on top of that, the sedentary spectacle of 22 prats kicking a ball about on a bit of grass.....

What the hell is all the fuss about?

Well actually, I've done a bit of research and it transpires that all this this is to stop us killing each other. No. Really. It's true. I'll explain :

When we all lived in caves or mud huts in the jungle, tribes used to attack each other in order to stop the other tribe hunting on their ground, stealing their stuff or shagging their women.

As we got more 'sophisticated' and developed into countries, we invented war so that we could stop other countries grabbing our colonies, taking our resources or shagging our women.

Now we are even more sophisticated and have football. So now we get to watch our representatives (formally aka warriors or armies) kicking the shit out of each other on a football pitch. So now we have wars where we just sit and watch and don't get hurt ourselves.

Now that's civilisation for you.

Personally, I'll be glad when it's all over and we can have some regular (oops! nearly said decent) telly back.

And soon, I get to write another piece about the next boring load of old bollocks - the Olympics! Oh, deep joy...

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