The Dear Gill Letters (7)

Busy, busy, busy...

How wonderful to see you and your lovely hubby at Florrie's christening the other day. So glad you could come! I only wish we'd had more time to chat , but you know how it is these days - everybody wants to be seen with us, chat with us, be photographed with us! It's such a drag...

Dave's been a bit up to his eyes with it lately. After we had to cancel our holiday to Egypt at least he got the consolation prize with a trip to the Middle East. Embarassing though how the Libya thing all blew up when it did thought, what with Nick off skiing only Willy Vague was there to take the reins. Still the way it all turned out, just as well he was around to cop the blame really.

Have you got your invite to the wedding yet? I'm sorry we couldn't wangle you a better seat but up the back was the best we could do. They did suggest putting up a big screen in Hyde Park for the people we couldn't squeeze in but I thought that would be just SO tacky. Almost like a two tier invite system - although one of Dave's advisors thought it might be a good spot for Miliband. Sort of put him properly in his place, if you get what I mean?

I'm having such a problem with choosing my outfit. Even my trip to LFW hasn't really helped. Several of the fashion houses have offered freebies but what with the hoo-hah over Galliano, it's like a minefield. You turn one down in favour of another and next you know he's up to his neck in a scandal! I'm still not sure if he was serious, but Dave suggested we should be seen to be 'all in it together' and I should get something from Marks and Sparks, but I don't think so, do you? You can bet your bottom dollar Kate won't be getting hers there!

Big Society, my eye! It's High Society for me!

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The Dear Gill letters (6)

The lady of the house is revolting...

Dear God, sometimes I just get so hopping mad, you know. I wish I was a student or something so I could go out and break things! Go back to my uni days when we could sit around and smoke pot and sing protest songs!

Since Dave got the 'big job' - that's what we call it because sometime it's just so shitty! - I've been trussed up in Downing Street like a turkey. I mean, the place is positively claustro-bloody-phobic. And it gets worse...Every time I go out, there's a policeman with me with a gun in his pocket. Either that or he's just pleased to see me, which wouldn't be so bad if he looked even remotely sexy! Oh lummy - I'm even beginning to envy Alan Johnson's missus...

Seriously, though, did you see that silly billy Sally in the papers? Old Bercy must have really pee'd her off for her to do that. I wonder what Dave would say if I did something like that, not that I would of course. No-one would want to look at my stretch marks, eh? Not quite so 'Glam Sam' after all...

I'm going to be hitting the big 4-0 in April though of course I'm only admitting to 35, so Dave wondered how I'd like to mark the occasion. I'd quite like a party but Dave says we've got enough trouble with the one we've got haha! Anyway, can you imagine the problems we'd have deciding who to put on the guest list and who to leave off? Actually, that could be quite fun come to think of it!

Plan B has gone out of the window as well as we've had to drop the idea of a romantic cruise up the Nile, bugger it. I really fancied a peek at old King Tut's des res but that's not going to happen now is it? And I know your sense of humour, so don't suggest Tunisia either or lunch is definitely orf next week, yah!

So it looks like a quiet romantic dinner somewhere if we can sneek out of the back door - or tunnel actually, but shhh - don't tell anyone. Nancy came out with a cracker, though. She thought Daddy could buy me some of that woodland that they're selling off and that it would be cool to go for nice long walks in it at weekends. Isn't that sweet? But then of course Arthur reminded her that Grandad already has several thousand acres of his own, and the moment passed rather.

Like I said, sometimes I could just throw something!

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The Dear Gill letters (5)

Britain's first lady seems unhappy...

I just can't tell what it's been like the last week or two - it's been so absolutely frightful. Everybody is up in arms about the changes that we are talking about making to disability payments. Dave is so upset. Anyone would think that we don't have any feelings about this at all - I mean after all we went through with our lovely Ivan, how could they be so heartless? Politics really does suck sometimes!

And if that's not bad enough, we're being forced to give votes to criminals. I mean, I ask you! What's the point of that? Dave's really not impressed. Sometimes the law really is an ass - and don't get me started on European law - I mean who runs this country anyway? Is it Dave or that awful von Pompy person? Or maybe it's old Merky? Or maybe it's just nobody any more. I just don't know what's what these days. That bloody Heath has done more damage with the stroke of a pen than Hitler ever did with all his bombs and stuff...

And the Milipedes are at it again! First they say that we are going to quickly and forcing things through without thinking enough, now they say we are backtracking and going too slowly. Dave's seething between you and me. I mean, it's not as if Red Ed's even got any policies of his own - he just rubbishes ours all the time! It's back to good old schoolyard games - yah! boo! my party's better than your party! It's pathetic. Still, Dave says he's so easy to put down with a one liner that he's beginning to enjoy it. "A chancellor who can't count and a leader who doesn't count." Classic. I came up with that one myself over a midnight feed!

Fancy old Chaytor getting sent off to chokey eh? Lock 'em all up and throw away the key I say. It's so pathetic really - like fiddling the petty cash. And Illsey faking his council tax - I mean that's not even ambitious fraud really is it?

And, of course, we had that silly by-election. Dave's got to face that dreadful Miliband person again and wave it all away like it doesn't matter - not that it does really as far as I can see, but then there's that dreaded male ego thing again, isn't there. They just can't bear to lose. It's so infantile, isn't it? I reckon our kids are more mature than some of our MPs.

And to top it all off we were up half the night waiting for the result. Well, Dave was anyway. I told him straight. I said "You know you won't win, so you might as well go to bed." Well at least I didn't have to get to see to Florrie - so I suppose men are useful for something...

And VAT? Well, the only VAT I'm interested in is a Vodka and Tonic so let's do lunch soon and we can spend some of the fees you've been making defending Chaytor and the rest of them. Bet Cherie wishes she'd got in on that one! Toodle pip,

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The Dear Gill letters (4)

The insider girl's view of number 10...

Happy New Year to you and yours! Since my last letter we have had such a great time. Really wonderful for Dave and I to spend some quality time together without some frightful politician sticking his oar in all the time.

I said to Dave "Look, darling, the house isn't sitting so just let Nick get on with it for a while. He can't do too much damage while there's nothing to vote on!" and it's been luverly. Just laying back and watching the telly and playing with the kids. Heaven!

Talking of the telly, did you see Vince on Strictly. Nick was a bit peeved when he found out he was going to do it, but Dave said "No. Let him have a bit of fun." Actually, I think it was just to let him lay back a bit before those awful banker people land on him like tons of the old proverbial. I mean, I ask you. What's wrong with making a few quid in bonuses anyway? I think people are just jealous, but to be honest we don't begrudge Vince a good rollocking after those silly remarks he made about nukes! I mean, darling, why can't he just grasp the principal of collective cabinet responsibility - or as Dave calls it, doing what you're damn well told!

Hasn't the weather been simply frightful? Dave says thank God for devolution! Can you imagine the flack we would have got if there hadn't been a Scottish minister to take the fall? After all, they can't be silly enough to expect us to be sympathetic when they couldn't even elect one single Tory in the whole of Scotland. Serves the haggis bashing lefties right as far as I am concerned - just don't tell Dave I said so! Last thing we need is a referendum on independence. It's bad enough having to have one on voting!

Maybe it's just as well that we couldn't go to Thailand in the end. I mean can you imagine us stuck in the first class lounge at Heathrow for three days? At least with Chequers, there's always a convenient RAF helicoptor available if we're really stuck. Might even get that dishy Wills to fly it for us!

And, oh Sweetie! Don't they make such a delightful couple? So photogenic - that Kate's a real stunner. Even nicer in the flesh apparently. As Dave says, you just have to see these people for real these days what with all the airbrushing in the photos and stuff. Dave says he doesn't even want to think about touching people up after the stick he got during the election!

Still, new year - new problems. Dave's wondering how he can let the LibDems win the by-election without being seen to let them win and without getting a load of flack from the Milipedes for 'losing popular support'. I mean, we know we can't win it but we have to be seen to try. I said to Dave "For God's sake keep your distance from it, or you never know what the those dreadful student and lefties will cook up."

Anyway, better close. Perhaps we can do lunch once your hubby's loverly big bonus comes through? You can take me for a spin in his shiney new Porsche! Toodle pip!

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The Dear Gill letters (3)

Never mind WikiLeaks, here's Glam Sam's latest letter...

Darling, I simply can't tell you what a relief it is to be getting a few days off over Christmas! The kids are really excited, although Florrie hasn't a clue what's going on really - I expect she'll be a LibDem when she grows up ha ha!

I was up Oxford Street the other night for a spot of late night shopping. God what a mess those student persons have made of the place! Dave reckons most of the trouble makers weren't real students - they were just a load of wasters after a bit of smash and grab judging by the broken windows - saving the dole money for drugs and booze, no doubt!

Looks like we're going to have to have Christmas at home this year. Bloody politics! We were going to have a couple of really nice weeks lying in the sun in Thailand until some little shit leaked it to the papers. Next thing we know they're bleating on about the security costing 50k and how it's not fair to be taking that out the public purse when we're talking about poor old civil servants losing their jobs because of the cuts. I ask you? Most of these people sit around all day doing nothing anyway and deserve to be on the dole queue. And because of them we lose our lovely holiday! It's just not fair. Dave works so hard and we simply deserve a little me time to ourselves...

Dave's really chuffed about the Mexico climate conference thing. He says it's a really significant step forward and if it does all go pear shaped, he can always blame Chris - who bats for the other side, if you catch my drift. And if this green funding things goes ahead to help the poorer countries, we might even qualify for some lovely lolly ourselves given the state we're in! Mind you, given all the stuff that's been dropping out of the sky in Scotland, I bet they'd be all in favour of a bit of global warming.

Monday night Dave turned the lights on at the Olympic stadium. Between you and I, he's a bit peeved at being landed with the tab for that particular sportsfest. Old Gordon really lumbered us with that one, the tinker! And looking at all those floodlights it's difficult to see how we can afford the electricity bill, never mind the rest of it.

Anyway, best close as there's someone at the door - at least living in Downing Street we know it's not some ghastly chugger with a plastic bin and a plastic Santa on a lorry!

Have a lovely Christmas.

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The Dear Gill letters (2)

Continuing our raid on Samantha Cameron's post...

Well, it has been an eventful couple of weeks since my last letter and I'm sorry to hear that your brood were so upset about the World Cup thing!

At least some good came out of it - Dave was really delighted to be able to get away from it all and have a bit of time off in Switzerland. He loves the scenery there and the food! Well, how often do you get to have a good blow out for free? Not often these days especially after that awful expenses fuss last year.

To be honest Dave doesn't really like football but of course we have to pretend otherwise it's a real vote loser. After all, they played real football at his school. You know - rugby. He says it's much more of a man's game and he really doesn't see why kicking a ball round a bit of grass justifies paying some of these guys a hundred times more than he gets for running the country!

And having to spend time with that dreadful Beckham bloke? Well, Dave reckons the way he was strutting around the place it was hard to tell which was the real prince - him or Wills. Such a lovely boy and looks just like his mother. Wills that is, of course, not Beckham. He looks more like a 70's glam rock star these days. And that suit he was wearing! Where did he get it? Oxfam?

And to make things worse, I couldn't even go to a fashion show the other day without his appalling wife forcing her way in front of me at every photo opportunity. I said to her, I said "Who's the first lady here, dear? Certainly not you!" Talk about flashing the flesh in desperation - and have you seen the state of her legs? Everyone else seems to have. And what do the papers label me? 'Glam Sam'  - oh please!

Anyway, at least now Dave hasn't got to find the money to pay for the footie. That would have been a real bummer after all the money he's just had to lend to the Irish! At least I suppose we'll be alright for a few holidays in County Cork for the next few years. And the way things are going, we'll need a bolt hole to get away from the great unwashed.

Students can be just so undignified, don't you agree? Where are their parents, that's what I want to know? Daddy would have been simply appalled if I'd carried on like that I can tell you so please don't tell me you let your two go to that dreadful demo thing! And what's all the fuss about anyway? After all, Dave and I both had a paid for education, so you could say we were leading by example.

What got Dave going was the reaction from the LibDem lot - I mean I know they promised not to put the fees up, but let's be fair. After all, we all make promises we know we can't keep when we know there's no chance of getting elected. Look at what Gordon was promising!

Dave says the hardest thing to do in power is to keep your promises, having said which I need to keep mine and read the bedtime story tonight, so must close. Tonight's is a fairy story called the 'The LibDem Manifesto' - sorry, only joking yah?

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The Dear Gill letters (1)

The first of a (possible) series of letters from Samantha Cameron...

Many thanks for your last letter which has cheered me up no end. Dave has been a right old grump since he came back from a meeting with that dreadful Merkel woman. 'Old Murkey' we call her - always the prophet of doom and gloom, always trying to screw more money out of us. When is she going to get the message that we just haven't got any, I wonder?

I had lunch the other day with Sarah Brown. I have to say she looked completely out of place in the Cafe Royal, but then they'll let anyone in there these days. Standards have just dropped so low...

There was lots of baby talk before she eventually got to the point. She seems to think that if we can wangle Gordon a job in the EU Finance Ministry then he reckons he could sort out all this nasty Euro business that's been going on. I didn't like to say so, but wasn't it his fault that the country went broke in the first place? As far as I can see, the EU lot seem to being doing all right on that front by themselves without any more help from Gordon.

Still, I have to say that that Nick Clegg is a really lovely bloke. Dave says he's always willing to take his share of the flack when things go pear shaped. Can't say I take to his wife though. She's alright, but she's Spanish you know - so she keeps banging on about how Spain could be the next country to go down the pan. Seems to be trying to help them by getting through the Rioja though, if you catch my drift?

Nick used to be an MEP, so Dave has to be just SO careful in what he says about 'The Fourth Reich' as he calls it in case Nick gets upset. We need his votes to stay at number ten otherwise I'm going to have to running up the bills in the Harrods' soft furnishing department again. The drapes here were just so GHASTLY that we simply had to change them. That last bloke had such awful taste. And they cost a packet, so jolly good job the tax payer's picking up the bill, yah?

Anyway, must close now as Florrie's yelling. I know I said I'd do anything to help Dave get the job and she's such a little poppet, but at times like this I really wonder if it was worth it! And now that dreadful Miliband person's gone and jumped on the bandwagon and had one of his own. Politicians, eh! Who'd have 'em?

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