Showing posts with label phukn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label phukn. Show all posts

Cartoon Characters I Want To Sleep With: Esmeralda.

My unrequited love of ethnic women knows no boundaries: Tatars, Turks, Ukranians, Lebanese, Greek, Rus, Eastern Europeans of varying unidentifiable ethnicity, and -of course- the Roma.

Better known as "Gypsies" to the uninitiated, these stateless citizens are found in exceptionally high concentration in Bulgaria, Romania, France, and anywhere else they won't be prosecuted (as has historically been the case).

I could rail about the injustice done to the Roma (and perhaps I should, one day); however, now is not the time. Suffice it to say that lord, there are some beautiful Roma women in these insular conclaves.



Ms. Romania, for instance...



Sadly, cartoon versions of the lovely refugees of Eastern Europe are few and far between. To our Western eyes, we'd recognize very few of them. In fact, I can only (off the top of my head) immediately name one, but she is a doozy: Esmeralda from Disney's bastardization of Victor Hugo's The Hunchback of Notre Dame.




 Seriously, what's not to like about this....



Easily the most buxom Disney character, Esmeralda rocks some billowing peasant skirts/blouses, diving cleavage, and has the best coiffure this side of Jasmine. As with all Disney ethnic characters, they do make her a darker hue, with decidedly Anglo features (right down to the green eyes). But, if you look at Ms. Romania above, it actually works this time.
And, easily amenable to CosPlay!




Besides being the prototypical "type" what else does Esmeralda have going for her? Well, the first and foremost thing in her camp, is the unapologetic "Gyspy-ness" of the character; tinkerers, street performers, artisans, diviners, and pole dancers.
What? Pole Dancers?

Easily the most Sex-centric thing Disney has ever pulled, Esmeralda has a famous "pole dance" scene in Hunchback, programming children to accept their fate in smokey bars, over-priced drink in hand, shoving ones down stripper thongs...



Seriously, Disney. What the fuck?



Naturally, such a sensual character hearkens lust, desire, and a not-inconsequential amount of day-dreaming (including me). And, the best part is, unlike some quite frankly baffling tribute art, the Esmeralda smutty tribute art, actually works this time.

Including, what I am certain might be statutory offenses in America....



Good ole Jasmine, Esmerelda's got the cure for what ails ya...



Of course, some are slightly more...baffling...
A bit more aquatic and spiny than I like in my women, but...




And, then there are some that just take Quasimodo's lusts to their natural plateau...
Seriously, be glad that I cropped this one...



So, let's give a hand to the most sumptuous, overtly-sexual Disney character yet: Esmeralda. The Roma cum cracker that turned a thousand heads, and gave hundreds of little boys strange feelings in the movie theatre. It's not often that Disney gets one right --and I'm not sure this was intentionally correct, so much an accident of morphology-- but this time, they did.



While I am certain Victor Hugo is rolling over in his grave, Disney hasn't exactly made it's living with faithful reproductions...






-d.s.
READ MORE » Cartoon Characters I Want To Sleep With: Esmeralda.

Lookie who posted about a celebrity...

I know, not normally my bag. But, I must say, this is pretty damned amusing.



via Funny or Die. H/T JoshuaNotYoshua.




Not really a Lohan fan, and never really saw the appeal in her. However, there's something about the little ingenue in her in this videa that A) is pretty hot, and B) gives her mad, mad props for making fun of her constantly-rotating relationships.



Okay, I apologize. You are hot in a dirty sort of way...and surprisingly funny.






-d.s.
READ MORE » Lookie who posted about a celebrity...

Friday woke up with one thing on it's mind...

...here's a to (re)productive Weekend. TGIF MF'ers!


Admit it; there's literally not a segment of the U.S. Population who can't find something to like about Salt-n-Peppa'



-d.s.
READ MORE » Friday woke up with one thing on it's mind...

Thursday is feeling sexy...or revolting.

I just can't decide which one yet.



I used to play this every set at Paradox/Metro. Why? Because it's so damned sleazy; this Revolting Cocks cover of Rod Stewart's "Do ya' think I'm Sexy" is the auditory equivalent of chlamydia, yet is surprisingly danceable. The video, will make you want to shower afterwards...which could be a good thing, depending on your mood.

Enjoy some unadulterated sleaze to start your day. 

Tip 'o the cap to the incomparable DJ Zillah (who drank too much gin) for turning me on to this so long ago.


-d.s.

-d.s.
READ MORE » Thursday is feeling sexy...or revolting.

You know what America needs?

More advertisements like this...


I've never seen an ad that made me want to grab the special sock before....
Not sure it's effective as far as shoe sales go, but I do approve.



-d.s.
READ MORE » You know what America needs?

A Few Thoughts on the Value of Sexy Toys.

McDonalds. Xandria. Burger King. Adam and Eve. McRibs. Fleshlights.

What do these things have in common? If a sex toy shop in Huntsville, Alabama has its way, then they are all things that you will soon be able to shop for via a drive through pick-up window.

As WHNT Channel 19 reports:

Pleasures' proprietor Sherri Williams has found a new way to stimulate business. The new Pleasures location is already open, but starting on Saturday, the former bank building and its three lane drive-thru window will offer customers faster shopping from the privacy of their car, via a four-foot-tall lighted menu featuring a variety of adult toys, lubricants and stimulants.



 No, I didn't order the Enema Kit; just the Medium Ball Gag-to-go. Purple.


The story continues...

Drive-thrus are widely considered one of the greatest convenience revolutions of modern times, and aside from the occasional missing straw or ignored request for 'no pickles', there usually aren't any surprises.

But at the new Pleasures drive-thru, a little spontaneity will be exactly what the customer is looking for. Saturday, the teller bays of an old bank will be transformed in to Pleasures' new one-stop drive-thru romance shop, where customers can pull through, order what they want from a menu and have it delivered right to the teller drawer.


Now, I'm not sure about you, but "spontaneity" when picking out a toy isn't exactly what I had in mind. Latex can cause some serious reactions, for instance. And, not everyone is down with knobbed glass dildos. 

That said, I wholly endorse the concept, especially in puritanical places (e.g., damned near all of America), where people are discouraged from parking their cars and looking for the occasional vibrating cockring, or horse-tail butt plug.



"Ok, so the stainless steel Anubis doesn't really do it for me. 
But, what the hell, if you like it, let's give it a go."
--What everyone should say to their partner's respective kinks


As most of you remember (or could readily guess), I love sex shops, sex toys, and anything that promotes a spirited romp in the sack. Adore them, but for reasons which may surprise you. No, I do not enjoy them merely for the gloryholes. Rather, I think placing odd things in our respective orifices, or eating out of custom-monogrammed pet dishes, makes us a more open, honest society. It makes our relationships more healthy, promotes communication and certainly more fun (although, never underestimate the power of missionary done well).  And, when done right, sexual accessories can be damned beautiful, as well as erotic. (see my previous fascination with shibari).


 Seriously, people, elegant ropework accentuates the feminine form: It's not solely my kink, it's my abiding love of the beautiful. And this is beautiful.


Sometimes, you just want to feel a little dirty. There's nothing wrong with that.  So, go to your local purveyor of porn, and take your loved one along. Talk to one another, discover new things, openly discuss your sex lives and the joys of exploring one another's body.  Laugh, love, live, engage in  commerce to support your local small businesses. 

This sad spin on the carousel of woe is the only life we have. And our bodies are the only vehicle with which to enjoy it. Don't limit that life by artificial and arbitrary constraints, largely imposed by others, who would deny you the pleasure of a healthy, safe, sane sexual relationship.

* * *

For more posts RE: Sex toys, I recommend my confession that I wish I had a vagina to try out the OhMiBod iPod vibrator; the horror that is the Fleshlight; and the Japan collection of lolita, amputee, hentai, sleepy sex WTF -- there are many more, as well, if you're into frightening large dildos and mythical creature dongs :)


-D.S.

READ MORE » A Few Thoughts on the Value of Sexy Toys.

Some things you can never unsee....

Regrets. Yes, we all have a few. We do some things that we're ashamed of, and that we want no one to ever, ever find out. If we're lucky, then the worst that happens is we get razzed a bit by our friends, perhaps have some photographic evidence float around for a few weeks/months/years, but -at the end of it all- it turns out for the best, as we learn from our mistakes, and become better people...



 I am so grateful for this learning opportunity...



But, sometimes our darkest moments of shame, stupidity, remorse, poor judgment et al, are so fucked up that we become spectacles, embarassments, and international oddities. Such is the case of Ngurah Alit, an unemployed 18 year old kid in Bali. 



As the Jakarta Globe reported earlier in the day, Ngurah Alit, 18, an unemployed youth from the seaside village of Yeh Embang in Jembrana, was caught stark naked positioned behind the cow in a rice paddy field.

In his defence, Alit admitted to the act of bestiality but claimed the cow, which he believed was a young and beautiful woman, had wooed him with flattering compliments.



 We have that problem in  Nebraska too...



Holy shit?! Fucking a cow? Are you kidding me? The kid's life is obviously ruined...he's an international freak show. But, what happened to the engenue of a cow; the flirty bovine tart who was so clearly trying to get in Alit's pants?


As part of a Pecaruan ritual, a ceremony to cleanse the village of the unholy act of a man mating with a cow, Alit was forced to “marry” the animal.

Alit, however, according to Detik.com, passed out surrounded by locals and police, who were attempting to prevent a number of journalists from covering the spectacle.As part of the ceremony, Alit’s victim and new bride was drowned in ocean. [Only his clothes were thrown into the sea]"


So, let's get this straight. Cow sex is such a problem in Bali that there is an actual, historical ceremony to cure the taint of indecency? That Balinese elders perform cross-species shotgun weddings, a nuptials between man and cow? And then the cow is drowned? While the perv gets his clothes washed?

I'm not sure about you, but I know where I'm not going on vacation.



Sure, Bali is nice and everything, what I love the most is that I can put my dick in a cow...then. my friends, it has become paradise.




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READ MORE » Some things you can never unsee....

The coolest old people on the planet: Literally.

These two are smiling for a reason...



Ah, the sunset years. Time to retire to a good life of rest, leisure, hobbies, and enjoy the company of your loved one. A chance to reflect upon a life spent in toil and hardship, and look back with pride on your accomplishments, while shepherding the younger generations alond their life's journey.



Well done, me...well done...


 

But, sometimes retirement can be a bit difficult, particularly when your relationship isn't strong, or your friends and loved ones start to be ill, or pass away. Then, there is the potential boredom; after all, you've spent your life working and striving. Now what?

However, if you're the Smith family, 75 year-old retirees in London, boredom most definitely is not on your agenda. See, while other elderly couples are traveling, taking up (or resuming) hobbies, gardening, visting with friends and families, Ian and Jean Smith have something way, way cooler to distract them...

They are Britain's oldest swingers.



Pics or it didn't happen...


Wow. In an fascinating story by SWSN.com, it is revealed that the Smiths are the unofficial "King and Queen of Swingers" in the UK. And, by their own estimate, have had over 300 orgies or shared encounters.


Despite their age, Ian and Jean show no signs of slowing down and vow to continue swinging for as long as physically able.

But Ian admitted: ”Our children know but they prefer to say nothing about it – I guess it doesn’t matter how old you get, you can still be embarrassed by mum and dad.”

This is really, truly, the most awesome story ever. For those of us concerned about life ending when our productive years are concluded, it's damned good to know that our reproductive ones can continue.




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READ MORE » The coolest old people on the planet: Literally.

Rule 34 Dump (Mostly SFW)...

Rule 34 is the internet meme that no matter what depravity can be imagined, there is porn for that subject which exists on the internet. This is closely related to Rule 35, which states that if you cannot find such porn for your Rule 34 search, then you must create it.


Here are some of my favorites from Rule 34....


Closely related to Rule 34 is the proposition that nothing is safe....




I think I just threw up in my mouth...




This fetish started in a healthy child and was never outgrown...




This fetish was started in a molested, disturbed children...and we now call these men "Your honor..."





Winnar!!!







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READ MORE » Rule 34 Dump (Mostly SFW)...

The most awesome, Kegel-tastic Cougar ever...

You'll shit when you see it...



Meet 42 year-old Russian housewife and mother, Tatiana Kozhevnikova. Like many women in their 30s and 40s, especially ones that have given birth, Tatiana was bit worried about the --ummm-- tightness and elasticity of her intimate parts. Tatiana, however, said to hell with Kegels, and picked up some super-Kegel/Yoga/Taoist exercise regimen. As a result, she now has the strongest vagina in the world. 



Yes, those are freakin barbells hanging out of her naughty bits...





How strong is this vagina you ask? Well, after years of training, Tatiana's vaginal walls can lift/suspend a mind-blowing 31 pounds...And, even more oddly, Guinness crowned her with a World Record for this feat. Naturally, she has taken this odd foray into 'snapper' extraordinary physical skill and is capitalizing on it...


God bless capitalism, eh Komrade?



Kozheznikova has crafted a workout regiment to tone the core, buttocks, thighs, pelvic floor, and genital walls to improve tightness and give women all over the planet virgin-tight, She-Hulk vaginas. Called, unsurprisingly Intimate Fitness, this is a workout plan that every man in the world can wholly and fully endorse. Hats off Tatiana. Hats off...



Mr. Kozhevnikova: Luckiest man in the world. Here's his wife (tastefully and SFW) setting the world record for super vagina...






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READ MORE » The most awesome, Kegel-tastic Cougar ever...

Stoya, I'm going to keep posting these until you email me...

This is my latest obsession; on par with my 20-year fixation with Winona Ryder, and far outpacing my lust for a combined hoagie of Scar Jo, Halle Berry, Catherine Zeta Jones and Salma Hayek (yes, it's serious, people).


Anyway, Stoya...shoot me an email :)


If you email me, I'll think of a dozen ways to tell you that you have the
Best. Tummy. Ever.





If you'd like, we can IM, but I won't be creepy, I'll talk about your hair...





 Dear lord...
Did I mention I'm a lawyer? And far prettier than Marilyn Manson?
That I'm moving to Hawaii?
Anything working, yet?





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READ MORE » Stoya, I'm going to keep posting these until you email me...

Wonder Woman: I'm not sure that this is safe for work...

...I am, however, sure that this falls completely into the What The Fuck?! department.


I have nothing against, boobs, Wonder Woman, light BDSM, interracial loving or dirt cartoons, but I'm just not sure if this nonconsensual, digitized Wonder Woman being boob-honked by some pretty racist cartoons.



 Click for full size image...but it will make you a sick bastard.




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READ MORE » Wonder Woman: I'm not sure that this is safe for work...

Stoya: Goth Fetish Actress & Model (SFW)

I think the title says it all...Stoya is my current obssession du jour. And, since my Penguins are getting their asses kicked in Game 7 tonight, I thought I'd post a few pics of this smoking hottie from NC.

If lesbian, goth, bondage porn is your thing, she comes highly recommended from my sticky hand me.


Drooooooollllll.....




 So pretty. I want one for Christmas...




After teasing you with a blurb about lesbian porn, the least I can do is show you Stoya making out with Apnea.


By the way, if you're at all interested in this type of stuff, I recommend: Suicide Girls (kind of overrated), Burning Angel, AltFetish, Gods Girls, Razor etc...Don't worry, I'll get all link-ish tomorrow. Until then, grab your special sock and hit the old Google Search.





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READ MORE » Stoya: Goth Fetish Actress & Model (SFW)

Thursday can't quit you...

You and me, baby, at the Devil's Right Hand...
Steve Earle from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack.


And, of course, because I am utterly lacking in originality and/or am living a decade in the past, your obligatory fark:

 I would have stood in line for this one.
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READ MORE » Thursday can't quit you...

A perfectly safe-for-work fetish...

This is an absolutely, SFW fetish, therefore is one that has to be shared...hot Russian-looking women, spitting. I know for an absolute fact that I've never seen anything like this on the internet before. Thanks Stumblers!


Obviously, it's all in the innuendo, which may be why it's so damned cool.
Pic via Spitting Girls.





One more, shall we?




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READ MORE » A perfectly safe-for-work fetish...

Not going to lie...I'm going to go eat, drink and try to get laid...

This is what I hope is on tonight's menu. And, no, you can't blame me :)
Happy St. Paddy's Day. If you get arrested, call me.
-D.S.



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READ MORE » Not going to lie...I'm going to go eat, drink and try to get laid...

As if a heart attack weren't merely bad enough...

 I wish I were talking about the "nurses" at the Heart Attack Grill...



In what could be this year's least stunning bit of scientific research, clinicians in Germany have found a link between corornary heart disease/heart attacks/strokes and impotence....


The University of Saarland report, published in the journal Circulation, suggests men with impotence should be checked for cardiovascular disease.
Some experts want doctors to ask about impotence in over-40s health checks.
Impotence is linked to inadequate blood flow in the penile arteries.
These are much smaller than coronary arteries.
So for some men, a persistent failure to get an erection might be an early sign that his arteries are narrowing.



 What do you mean, I can't get it up?



This really shouldn't surprise any...whatsover. The male penis is a feat of hydraulic engineering that requires adequate blood flow. No blood flow, no happy time. So, I guess we now get to amend the  heart attack symptoms and signs:
  • Tingling/Pain in the left side of the body
  • Left side facial pain
  • Crushing/tightness in the center of the chest
  • Fleshing/sweating...



and this...




READ MORE » As if a heart attack weren't merely bad enough...

Women are drugs...

 Scarlett Johansson = crack, according to science.



Chalk this up in the "no shit" department, but men's brains react the exact same to a buxom, hourglass figure as they do to drugs and alcohol. The money shot comes in the LiveScience article here:


"Hugh Hefner could have told us that by showing us how many zeroes are in his bank account," said researcher Steven Platek, an evolutionary cognitive neuroscientist at Georgia Gwinnett College in Lawrenceville, Georgia. "But there's more to it than buying Playboy, Maxim, or FHM."
For instance, "these findings could help further our understanding pornography addiction and related disorders, such as erectile dysfunction in the absence of pornography," he explained. "These findings could also lend to the scientific inquiry about sexual infidelity."



Scarlett again...It's okay. Science tells me that this addictive behavior is normal...

 

It's not just men that check out the hourglass figure either. According to the principal researchers, women do it as well, but for something insidious called "mate-guarding".


"It turns out women find similar optimally attractive female bodies as attention-grabbing, albeit for different reasons," Platek said. "Women size up other women in an effort to determine their own relative attractiveness and to maintain mate guarding — or, in other words, keep their mate away from optimally designed females."




You think "Dear God, what a great body".
Your wife thinks, "Stay the fuck away, bitch".




The researchers conclude with some thoughts for future research...including, my favorite: What effect does viewing optimally curvy women have on other women's brains. I'm not an expert, but I can conclude that the result is simple....



Science is hot...




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READ MORE » Women are drugs...

Several (fuckable) reasons to see "Alice". Prolly NSFW

Ignore Johnny Depp, or the sudden (since 1950) fascination with seeing the latest mash-up of "Alice in Wonderland".

This is really why I want to see it...more dirty cartoons.



Some people think I'm all pervy for wanting to bang a cartoon..I say, pish posh.




This is certainly a different view on the iconic Carroll classics...I just want to know if she lost the panties before or after croquet...
Probably the Alice with the most verissimilitude, nevertheless, the illustrator has given great thought to the natural down-and-outward sway of a full buxom. Bravo.




I love the "bloomers" and hiptastic-ness of this Alice




This is BY FAR my favorite. I notice that they have Clubs, Spades, Diamonds and Hearts, but are, alas, short in the Cocks department. Ohhhhh, to be a cartoon for 30 minutes.






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READ MORE » Several (fuckable) reasons to see "Alice". Prolly NSFW

Speaking of Fred Phelps...

It's  become somewhat fashionable to fark him with photobombs.

Of all the one's I've seen, this may be the most damning.


Well, that's just awkward for everyone...

For those of you wondering, Ezekiel 23:20 is here....And, knowing the perversity of my readers, you probably want to get her number too.




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READ MORE » Speaking of Fred Phelps...