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Royal Wedding souvenirs

As our range of Papal Visit Souvenirs was so well received last year, here's a selection form our range of memorabilia for the forthcoming Royal nuptials...

How would you dress the Royal Couple for their big day?

This super dress up dolly book contains all you need to make the couple look simply spiffing at the Abbey, at the party and even contains some saucy little outfits for their big night.

Made from quality cardboard, it's also eco-friendly so it won't offend the father of the Groom.

Yours for a tasteful £4.99

OK - so maybe you weren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth like the happy couple, but why not treat yourself to a pair now.

Emblazoned with Wills and Kate's pictures, what better souvenir for a give price of £19.99

Why not have a drink on Wills and Kate?

Royal beer mats to make your party go with a swing. Comes with a pack of waterproof crayons for that essential 'pencil on a moustache' moment that we all love after a few pints.

£24.99 a pack of 50

Every little - and not so little - girl out there would just love to be Kate's bridesmaid on the big day...

Well now you can pretend with this super make believe book. Choose your outfit, pick the flowers, colour it all in.

Make believe you were really there for just £9.99

Rekindle memories of your own first night together with this, the crowning glory of our special range.

This quality unisex T-shirt is tastefully decorated and adorned with a photograph of the bride and groom. The logo is specially selected to reflect what we all wish for them.

A bargain at only £19.99

Queen leads by example!

The royal family has always believed in setting an example when it comes to a national crisis - just look at the way they led from the front during the blitz!

So Buckingham Palace announced today that in the true spirit of "we're all in it together", the queen is to take up employment.

"One is only too aware aware of the problems facing the country and in particuar the ordinary working man," she said in a statement. "One wishes to show you all that no work should ever be considered beneath one."

Her majesty, pictured here in her new uniform, will be donating her wages to the government to help pay for her grandson's upcoming wedding.

In a reciprocal gesture, her employers have agreed to provide the wedding breakfast.

Music for the Royal Wedding

News just out that Leaping Lord Lloyd-Webber of Lambourne is a bit pissed off about the Royal Wedding. Apparently he expects to be asked to compose a special piece of music for the occassion, the fucking arrogant little twat!

He's probably also not too pleased to find out that geriatric has been musicado Paul McCartney has been invited to play at the Palace at the reception party. Well, it was never going to be Ozzy Ozbourne was it?...

I dunno - first a second hand ring and then a second rate rocker!

Anyway, as we are trying to keep the costs down, I thought it only fair to offer my musical services to the happy couple free of charge. Here's my suggestions for my set at the nuptial gig (original artists in brackets) -

I'm Not in Love (10cc)
Every Day I Love You Less and Less (Kaiser Chiefs)
Don't Marry Her (Beautiful South)
Only Love Can Break Your Heart (Neil Young)
You're Gonna Lose That Girl (Beatles)
Nothing Lasts Forever (Echo & the Bunnymen)
Smack My Bitch Up (Prodigy)
I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock and Roll (Nick Lowe)
Grounds for Divorce (Elbow)
Heaven Knows I'm miserable now (Smiths)
50 ways to Leave Your Lover (Paul Simon)
Marriage is for Old Folks (Nina Simone)
A Punchup at a Wedding (Radiohead)
William, It Was Really Nothing (Smiths)

...and to round off the evening, a medley of ...

A Cunt Like You (Whitehouse)
Too Drunk to Fuck (Dead Kennedys)
It's All Over Now (Rolling Stones)

Any other suggestions?

READ MORE » Music for the Royal Wedding

Charles & Camilla to dance on ice

Exciting news that Charles and Camilla have been secretly recorded practicing for an appearance on the BBC's "Dancing on Ice".

The pair are apparently great fans of the program and have agreed to take part in the next series. Charles said, "It's been going frightfully well apart from when the silly old trout crashed into me and we both ended up flat on our arses. Haw, haw..."

Camilla said, "It's nearly as frightening as taking a shortcut up Regent Street in the Rolls! I wasn't sure I had the legs for that short skirt, but then Charles told me that if Ann Widdecombe could do it, anyone could. I just hope that we don't end up looking like a pair of fools..."

Sorry, dear - I'm afraid it's a bit late to worry about that...

Royal Wedding souvenirs go on sale!

Get your official limited edition souvenir mugs of the forthcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Makes the perfect Christmas gift!

Only £35 - and all proceeds go to the Royal Collection Trust
Sure to sell out fast, so order now.

Anyone for a Garden Party?

Sorry, but I just couldn't help noticing the annual bollocksfest that is being propagated yet again over Nick Griffin's invitation to the Buck House Garden Party...

As if the fuss last year wasn't enough, here we go again - so at the risk of being a crashing bore, let's actually look at the facts :

Fact 1 : Nick Griffin is a ultra right wing fascist bastard and, frankly, if he was lying in the gutter on fire then I wouldn't cross the road to piss on him.

Fact 2 : He was elected to the European Parliament and is a sitting MEP so I have to conclude that there are some more ultra right wing fascist bastards out there who actually voted for him. Like it or not, it's called democracy.

Fact 3 : All British sitting MEPs are automatically invited to this annual shindig so the invitation was purely a matter of protocol.

Fact 4 : This is an emotive issue and people talk bollocks about it.

An example of fact 4 is demonstrated by the remarks of Labour MP Margaret Hodge who said, and I quote, "It sickens me that Nick Griffin has used his position as an elected representative to secure an invitation to Buckingham Palace"

Now listen, Margaret dear, read facts 2 and 3 above and stop talking out of your arse. It comes with the job and whilst you might think only a brain dead moron would vote BNP, I feel pretty much the same way about your party.

Claude Moraes, a Labour MEP for London, said that the move “deeply politicises and embarrasses the Queen...I would expect some people to boycott the party. If people knew about this it would clearly spoil the occasion for a lot of them."

No it doesn't, Claude. You are the one causing the embarassment - and, frankly, anyone who boycotts the party is as bloudy daft as you are and doesn't deserve to be there!

As a spokesman so eloquently put it "Mr Griffin had been sent an invitation as the MEP was eligible and the Palace would not discriminate against democratically elected representatives." Quite right. Madge is above politics.

Apparently, according to the Mail "The BNP’s media spokesman refused to comment" - and that's about the most sensible thing I've heard about this whole affair so far!

After all, we elected the bastard - so it's our fault.