You said you changed,
But still nothing.
You're still the same,
I'm just a part time lover.
And I'm to blame,
Should've went away.
But yet I stayed,
With a part time lover.
See, somedays you will love me.
Then you don't, then you do, then you won't.
Then you're here, then you're gone.
I'm alone.
Now you got me stressing out
On the phone.
But it's the last time, I'm movin' on,
I'm throwing on my Louboutins.
I'm throwing on my Louboutins...
I left the state,
I changed everything.
No more 818
For the part time lover.
What goes around,
Comes back around.
And then you get what you deserve.
You part time lover.
See, somedays you will love me.
Then you don't, then you do, then you won't.
Then you're here, then you're gone.
I'm alone.
Now you got me stressing out
On the phone.
But it's the last time, I'm movin' on,
I'm throwing on my Louboutins.
I'm throwing on my Louboutins...
Watch this straight bottoms,
And the back of my jeans.
Watch me go, bye baby.
Don't know what you got until it's gone.
Tellin' lies,
It's over, see...
Watch that benz exit
That driveway.
I'm throwing on my Louboutins...
Watch me walk it out,
Walk it out, walk it out.
Walk this ride
Above the house.
Walk it out.
Boy, watch me walk it out, walk it out
::: Louboutins :: Jennifer Lopez
Stupid girl
You should have known
You should have known...
I love doing the dishes. Its more therapeutic than a chore to me. That was why, instead of joining him on the couch, I went to do the dishes instead. Yeah, you heard me - His dirty dishes. Kitchen. I needed time alone to think and analyse what just happened. Almost 2hrs ago, there was a fair bit of drama that could put Mediacorp's dramas to shame.
I was over at Meatloaf's to... you know, 'hang out'. He'd just got back from work too so he headed straight for the shower while I made myself feel at home. As I crashed on the couch, I realised that he had left his Blackberry lying around. Being the curious cat, I reached over to his phone and snooped on his sms-es.
Guess what I found. Words like 'cuddles'.. 'baby'... lovey-dovey messages... WWWWHHHAAAAATTTTT???!!!
I could feel my face burning up. What is all this? Who is this? When was this?
The voice in my head sent off a warning that set my body moving in autopilot - Get out of there! Just get out of there! Runnnn!
So I placed down his Blackberry, picked up my heels and ran out the door while he was still in the shower. In the lift, I put on my sky-high heels and stormed out of the condo. I chanted my oh-so-familiar mantra "Don't cry... don't cry!!!". Downstairs, I dropped Meatloaf an sms.
"Sorry. I'm outta here. You have Gwen."
By that time, I was already by the main road, feeling all pathetic, choked-up but still holding back the waterworks. I knew it! I knew there must be something else going on. Suddenly the puzzles were falling into place.
For someone who makes a living by meeting men, I know what to expect and the normal responses I would get from a man. How he would react to me (if he likes me)... how his BODY would react (body language)... if he's relaxed, if he's nervous, if he's sincere, if he's bluffing. There's almost a checklist I have in my head, which adds up to a scientific equation to determine the degree of chemistry and the percentage of probability in seeing him again.
We'll be deeply engaged in conversation, he'ld be curious about me and want to know all about me... he'll hold my hands and never seem to be able to stop gazing into my eyes untill sometimes it makes me feel shy and I'll try to escape his gaze and look down. He'll inch closer, and closer... then 'unintentionally' brushes his hands against mine. The tone in his voice will drop and he'll slip his hand around my waist, as I giggle flirtatiously (that drives 'em crazy. Works all the time) and then he'll pull my body close and we'll snogggggg till the last thread touches the floor. Then afterwards, he'll drop an sms, to thank me for the wonderful evening and try to keep in touch through emails. THAT, is the routine. THAT, is customary, almost expected.
For the first time in 6 months since I knew him, Meatloaf rang my phone.
Meatloaf: What happened? Where are you?
Me: Who is Gwen?
Meatloaf: Huh?
Me: I looked through your phone and I saw your messages with Gwen. It's ok, I understand if you're seeing someone else. I'm cool with that. You could have just told me.
Meatloaf: Gwen is my secretary. And I would tell you if there was something to tell. Why don't you come back up.
Me: No, I think I'll just go home.
Meatloaf: But I already told you there's nothing going on. You're just being childish... come on up and we'll talk about this. You can ask me all you want.
I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to look at him. I was upset but my head is over-clouded by emotions vs. logic. But I thought this would be a good opportunity to ask him all the questions thats been bugging me and get it all out. So I dragged my feet down that path again, half fearing for my life. What if he gets violent or angry cos I went through his phone?... die 'lah.
It is actually very clear what's happening, what he's doing and how stupid I really am. In my dire hope to find that someone called 'friend', someone I can cherish and shower my care and concern, I simply refused to admit that like every other lucky-guy-I've-randomly-picked to share my love, they never fail to be a jerk who uses me for sex. Always. I'm a jerk-magnet.
Well, I've recognised the business opportunities in being a jerk-magnet. That's why now I charge them by the hour.
But 'after-hours', I just want someone to talk to. Someone who knows me, as me... the girl. But it seems like its too much to ask.
Unlike some women who break into a screaming-fit, when I get upset, I talk really slowly and try to maintain a low-tone, which actually means that I'm trying hard not to break into tears. As tough and fierce I may seem to be, I'm a total softie and I totally suck at quarelling. Infact I hate and have never been the quarelsome sort. Its like, I didn't come all the way to fight with you. You just got back from work and I know you're tired. Arguing just sucks my entire energy anyway so I don't even want to start.
But is it even possible that a man does not fancy kissing?
Marcus said... "I wouldn't believe a word of it". The next day I actually asked Marcus (one of my regular clients) for his opinion. That geezer was working alone in the office and texted me to come, though in the end it didn't happen.
Me: Why don't you ever kiss me?
Meatloaf: I'm just not into kissing.
Me: Why do you only text me once every two weeks when you want me to come over?
Meatloaf: Cos I'm always working.
Ok. Here's the most unbelievably embarassing part.
Me: What's my name?
Meatloaf: (jokingly) Susan, Jane, Molly, Jolly... *lol* I'm not good with names...
Ladies and gentlemen, the man whom I thought I was in love with for the past 6 months does not even remember my name.
Me: Where do I stay?
Meatloaf: It's hard for an Englishman to remember the names of places here... *throws in random names of places*
Me: What do I work as?
Meatloaf: How long is this quiz gonna last?
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride...
Now you see what I mean about it being so obvious what he's doing and I just refused to see it. The pathetic thing is that I almost believed him. I was making excuses for him cos I wanted to believe his lies. On the other hand, I was afraid that due to my inability to trust, I might have doubted an innocent man.
I was not convinced by his explaination. I did not buy anything he said. I just wanted to love him so badly, that I was willing to let him use me. Fooled, I was not. But used, yes, I was prepared to swallow my pride. That night we had sex anyway cos somehow I knew in my heart that this could be the last. When I wake up tomorrow, the logic will set in and I will find the strength to walk out of all this.
Those were the thoughts that were going through my head as I was doing the dishes in his kitchen. Love him or leave him? I wanted to shower him with all my love and care but he does not even care enough to remember my name. I lovvvvvvve to kiss, but he doesn't kiss me. I love to snuggle, but he never does that. I'm as good as his inflatable doll.
I am not angry. I could tell that he was using me at most parts. I just feel sad. Really, really sad... that once again, love has deemed me unworthy.
This sad story always ends the same
Me, standin' in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two
There is no other way, I get the final say
Because I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Baby hush hush...
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