(Not so) Rocksteady

Its the 'nobody-loves-me' time of the month again. I'm down with the blues and I can just feel that this emotional roller coaster is not healthy. Is it PMS. Again? So soon?

I'm suspecting it could be mild depression or something. Last time I felt this way, I walked into a wall, leaving a scar to prove it. And just now, I sorta spaced out while on the escalator down at the train station without realizing that my flair-pants had gotten stuck inbetween the steps. When I reached the bottom of the escalator and walked away, I felt the pull at my pants and saw what had happened.

One thing I realized whenever I'm caught in these situations is that - firstly, I don't panic or get alarmed. So I tugged at my pants, trying to 'unhook' it from the escalator steps, with a blank expression. Ok, perhaps I just looked rather pissed.

Second thing I noticed - is that blank expression.

And thirdly, this is the one that got me thinking - I never, ever, cry out for help.

As I continued to pull hard at the bottom of my pants that was stuck, I also had to stand against the current of people who were coming down the escalator. Yet, not the littlest voice came out from me. I realised that I had almost gathered a pool of onlookers behind me. The kind who don't know whether they should go help, or go get help for me.

I was just worried that my entire pants could get ripped out. Thankfully, my cotton pants almost quickly gave way and tore at its end, releasing it from the escalator steps. As I turned to walk away, the few stand-byers anticipated for some sorta response, but I simply walked away, like nothing happened.

As I tapped myself out of the train station, spotting a grungily tattered pair of pants, my mom's voice ringed in my head.

"Why didn't you cry out for help?", as she listened to me rattle about my walk-into-wall incident.

That's when I too questioned myself... Have I forgotten how to ask for help?

Perhaps, I don't know how to ask for help, not used to asking for help because all this while I've always had to be the strong, independent one. I needed to be the rock solid one who can handle everything.

Right now I'm feeling like I need help. I just don't have anyone to ask...

xoxo