Stairway to Heaven?

Received a last minute call from Pattzy which I was more than happy to entertain. Luckily I was in the midst of getting ready to go out. No idea where I wanted to go but I just had to get out of the house cos the atmosphere was just depressing. That was when my secret phone beeped and it was a text message from Pattzy. *Yippeee* Purrrfect timing!!! I promised him to be there by 9pm.

But this time round, the fun was more of the mad dash to primp myself up before meeting Pattz.

7.45pm Left my flat. Dialled the STRIP hotline to book an appointment for a Brazillian wax. Luckily they had a slot available at one the joints along Orchard at 8pm. Five minutes later I got a cab and he raced to my destination. As much as I was in a hurry, I also wanted to arrive in one piece. It was the first time that I had a taxi driver driving at 120km/h on Singapore street. Serious. It was almost terrifying when he slided inbetween cars and motorcycles on a congested Friday night traffic.

8.05pm Thanks to the F1 taxi driver, I reached my destination in a record time of 15min! After a frantic search for the new STRIP outlet at this relatively new mall, I was 15mins late for my waxing appt, and was unfortunate enough to get an overly friendly therapist as we chatted about mooncakes as she pruned my bush. I kept glancing at my watch yet she didnt seem to take the hint. Reason I was such in a hurry was cos I still had to get my hair done and to grab a new top from Dorothy (Perkins). Which means I'll have to sprint along the Orchard strip for the different pit stops.

8.45pm Waxing. Checked. Now which salon in this area would still be open? Most of the shops in the mall were already closed when I saw a salon that was just about to wrap up. I approached them and semi-begged them for a quick wash & blow. It was a rather posh/ high-end salon but I'ld rather pay a bit more than meet a client with oily, flat hair. So as I sat in the uber posh salon with really nice dim lighting and classy ambience and mirrors all around, the stylist helped me put on a gold colour silk robe to protect my clothes.

A robe? Phoah. That's a first. I think the robe was more expensive that the top I had on which I got at the MNG sale. Fuck. I wonder how much the bill is gonna be. But after about half and hour, the result of the wash & blow was only so-so, cos I've gotten better results (tip: 'The Scene' at L3 Wisma Atria does a mean, fantastic wash & blow) for the same price. Luckily it didn't cost me more than 50 bucks.

9.30pm As I ran along Orchard Rd, I text Pattz saying I'll be there by 10 :P When I got to the Dorothy store (thank goodness its still open), I grabbed the top that I've set my mind on and was out of the store in less than 5 minutes. Ran to the 'ladies' to change and 'morph'... touched up my make up and worked on the smoky-eye effect while in one hand I dialled for a cab. As expected, when I got to the taxi stand, the queue snaked about  a few metres long but my cab was prettily waiting for me. *Sweeeettt* I hate to queue.

10pm Voila! In time for my late appt. The stairway to his apartment welcomed me once again and I walked pass the pool and whispered... I'm back ;)

Stairway to Heaven 
p/s: When I grow up, I wanna stay in a place like this. Wait...... I am grown up :P Maybe when I'm olderrrr. *Never say never*
... Ouh, and what happened with Pattz?.. The usual. Heavennnn....

Previously with Pattz: My 'British Open'

READ MORE » Stairway to Heaven?

Red Ed to release solo album !

News just out that "Red Ed" Miliband has split from Los Milibandos and is to release a solo album...


 Comprising cover versions of well known songs, here's the track list with original artists in brackets :
  1. The Carnival is Over (Seekers)
  2. Leader of The Gang (Gary Glitter)
  3. Dance With The Devil (Cozy Powell)
  4. He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (Hollies)
  5. We're All Crazy Now (Slade)
  6. He's Gonna Step On You Again (John Kongas)
  7. Brothers in Arms (Dire Straits)
  8. Gonna Get Along Without You (Viola Wills)
  9. The Harder I Try (Brother Beyond)
  10. Tired of Toeing the Line (Rocky Burnette)
  11. I Scare Myself (Thomas Dolby)
  12. Road to Hell (Chris Rea)
  13. Wishful Thinking (China Crisis)
  14. Dreams Are 10 a Penny (Kincade)
  15. Shattered Dreams (Johnny Hates Jazz)
TOMORROW : Exclusive video of the single from the album. Watch this space!

P.S. - A note for Ian fucking Hislop :
Feel free to steal this post for the Eye, but this time at least give me a byline - which is more than you did last time.
READ MORE » Red Ed to release solo album !

Boobs Kill Everything

Germany's GOT Talent alright! Check out this video on Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=437024097794&ref=mf
READ MORE » Boobs Kill Everything

A Postcard from Greece [4]

Back in May, I was extolling the virtues of Nionio's Taverna in Paxos. Well, I've found another one that's pretty bloody good too!


In the village of Kioni on Ithaca there are 5 tavernas, one mini market and quite a lot of yachts and their attendant yachties. They're a strange bunch, but some of them are quite sociable - apart from the snobs of course! You can tell who they are because they promenade up and down the waterfront in their boat shoes (and what exactly is the point of fucking up perfectly good casual shoes by running bits of string around them?) with their sweaters draped across their shoulders. Pissy poncey coloured sweaters of course!

We talked to a few - we're not proud - and once they know we are staying here and have been here for a while, they ask which is the best restaurant in town? This is how it works:-

The one at the end by the yatchs is OK but it catches all the wind, the service is indifferent and it's a bit pricey. We ate there once in 14 days.

Next is the one that all the flotillas seem to go to. Tables for 20 are the norm. I suspect that it is run by the brother or cousin of the guy running the flotilla! There are rumours that they buy in preprepared food to cope with the volume. I don't know if it's true, but the moussaka certainly tasted and looked like it!

At the furthest end of the waterfront there was a man spit roasting a pig. Every night. Very visually appealing, but the minute it comes off the spit it's gone! We had a couple of passable steaks in there one night. It was a bit pricey and we didn't bother going back. That leaves the two in the middle.

One always seemed empty. Someone told he had never had a decent meal in there, but we ate there one night and were quite satisfied. It had probably the cheapest wine on the block which was perfectly drinkable.

Mythos Taverna was the one for us. We ate there seven times. His meatballs are to kill for. Ditto his fried cheese. Light and delicate. They do a lemon casseroled chicken which melts in your mouth and a Greek chicken pie that is very solidly chicken. The veal in a brandy and orange sauce is fantastic. The pork steak fills your plate and is expertly grilled over charcoal. And the house wine to wash it down with? The best in town - especially the rose. I could rave about the place all week, it's that good. Last night the bill with a litre of wine was €28.

So why isn't he packed out? Beats me. All the people who ask us - and there have been quite a few - eat in the expensive one nearest to the boats. I guess that's yatchies for you. Style over content!
READ MORE » A Postcard from Greece [4]

Simply Red 'Farewell Tour' Singapore 2010

Mick Hucknall
To see Simply Red live in concert has always been one of my life-long dreams. Keep it short... they were uberrrrr awesomeee!!!! Guess the song that made me cry in my seat - 'For Your Babies'. How ironic.
READ MORE » Simply Red 'Farewell Tour' Singapore 2010

Piss boiler of the Year

Once in a while there is a statement by some complete cunt that gets me close to throwing a brick at the TV whilst simultaneously bursting several blood vessels. This is one of them !!!

Some fucking idiot at the Bank of England has decided that savers should stop moaning and start spending in order to hasten the economic recovery.

Charles Bean, the Deputy Governor, says that older households could afford to suffer because they benefitted from property price rises.

Mr Bean (you couldn't make that name up could you?) said he "fully sympathised". But he continued: "Savers shouldn't necessarily expect to be able to live just off their income in times when interest rates are low. It may make sense for them to eat into their capital a bit."

He added: "Very often older households have actually benefited from the fact that they've seen capital gains on their houses."

Well that might be all right for highly paid public servants with fucking great index linked pension pots paid for by the tax payer, but what about all us ordinary citizens who rely on their savings - hard earned savings I might add - to provide them with a living income to supplement the pathetic state pension ??

And to put that in perspective, according to the Bank of England 2010 Annual Report, Mr Bean's salary was over £250,000 a year and he added £188,000 to his pension pot - now worth over £1.4 million -  so what the fuck would he know about living off his savings?

In the last couple of years - thanks in part to the same aforementioned fucking idiot cutting base rate - my savings returns have sunk from around 7% to well under 3%.

So let's try a little experiment. Let's cut the fucking idiot's pay by 60% and see how he gets on...
READ MORE » Piss boiler of the Year

Red Ed - it's official !

By satellite phone from the caves of Afghanistan, official endorsement of Miliband as the new anti-capitalist leader of the Labour party...



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READ MORE » Red Ed - it's official !

A little late night mischief

READ MORE » A little late night mischief

Bananaman Bites the Dust [2]

Sorry, but it's was just too much to resist. The rustling sound at the end could be Freddie turning in his grave...



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Farking Pissed and Scared Shit

7.30pm ::Raffles City S.C, JCO::
I am so fucking pissed but more horribly worried. So worried that I just might break down right here at JCO (See. I am such a mess that I ended up coffeeing at JCO when I've sworn my life to Starbucks). Why the hell am I eating donuts?
Cos coffee can't make you pregnant

Recap. Here's what just happened:

I was called by Short-Dick-Sam (SDS). He assumed I will bring condoms, and I expected him to BYOC (bring your own condom), so in the end we had to do it raw, which I know is risky but I let it pass once in a while. The infuriating thing was, stupid SDS cummed inside of me, which I have never ever EVER allowed, even with boyfriends. No one!

After grabbing my $tash, I stormed off, obviously upset. And now, I am half shaking and waiting for the pharmacist at Watsons to come back from her dinner break at 8.20pm so that she can prescribe me the wonder-pills.

God forbid if I get knocked up frm this. I would rather die.

Oh no. My tummy feels funny. I NEED THOSE PILLS!!! *helllllppppppp!!!!!!!!!!*

8.20pm
::Watsons Pharmacy::

"Hi, do you have birth control pills"

"Sorry ma'am but those have to be prescribed by a GP", says the chirpy pharmacist who seemed like she had a good dinner break. Those 2 JCO donuts were the only thing I've had since morning.

Fuck. She doesn't have those pills.
Are there any clinics around here?...No.
Which clinic is still open at this hour?...
Ah. The 24-hr one near my house!!!

I had to abandon my orginal plan to hang out and soak in the F1 atmosphere at Raffles City. Only atmosphere now that has got my entire body soaked is panic and distress. These lips have been cursing SDS non-stop. Outside, the thundering roar of the F1 cars was drowned by the drumming of my heart. It has been 1 and a half hours since the sperms invaded my oysters. Oh no, I can just imagine them swimming up, up and away. I remember back in secondary school, during Biology class that a drop of semen the size of an eye-pin contained millions of sperms! I quitely prayed for SDS to have low sperm count or some kind of defect. I must take those wonder-pills to stop them sperms. Luckily it was easy to get a cab and I was in my very own street race to the clinic. How I wish the taxi driver was Alonso or Webber, instead of this ah-pek who has very slow :'( **on the verge of tears** My heart was beating so fast that I had to rest my right palm over my left chest till we reached the clinic.

9.00pm
::24-hour Clinic::

While waiting for my name to be called, I tried to rehearse my lines to avoid embarassing myself in front of the doctor. Now how do I say it with a straight face, without stammering? I tried to relax and calm myself down. So I picked up a magazine to read.

Are you mocking me? You're really not helping Fann Wong. Stop smiling! >(

When I finally entered the doctor's room, I was shocked to find that it was a male doctor. Usually it is a lady doctor. Oh no... how do I ask this fella for the pills?

"I was wondering if you could prescribe me some birth control pills?" I asked non-chalantly.

"Sure. When was your last menses?... Do you have children... Do you use protection?" Bla bla bla...

If SDS had used protection, I wouldn't be having a panic attack right now, halfwit!!!

The young doctor went on to ask me a string of questions before he explained how to take the medicines and its possible symptoms. The part that left me puzzled was when he told me to take the pills when my menses come and I have to take it for a course of 21 days. 

Huh? I thought I need these pills to make sure that my menses come and I don't bake a bun in my oven?

At the risk of sounding stupid, I asked the doctor again to be sure.

"Oh, did you mean 'morning-after' pills? Sure, I can prescribe that for you." I thought I saw a little smirk on his face.

SO THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED?!!!! MORNING-AFTER PILLS!!! Who's the champion halfwit now?


Postinor 2. I never thought these pills would be so expensive. $38 for 2 tiny pops, one to be taken within 48hrs after unprotected sex and the 2nd pop 12hrs later. I hopped over to the 7-11 next door and swallowed my pill there and then. I can't take chances. I CANNOT get pregnant. Haunting images start to cloud my thoughts again - pregnancy test kits, hospital visits, abortion... AARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

10.30pm
::Home::

Back home I got more bad news. I had planned to run some pretty important errands tomorrow morning but my folks insisted that I run some errands for them instead. Being one who never refuses whatever my parents say or ask me to do, I obliged without any complains and then when into my room.

Breathe.... Breathe. Please don't cry. Pleaseeee..... I begged the tears not to fall but the waterworks did not heed my plea.

I felt so tired. So frustrated. So upset. So angry.... at everything! At stupid SDS for cumming inside me. For wasting money and taking the cab to and fro. For having to spend on medicine. For the horrible feeling of worrying that I could get pregnant. For not being able to enjoy the F1 atmosphere at Raffles City. For being hungry and didnt have time to eat since morning. For having my plans for tomorrow spoilt just to accomodate others. For not being able to tell ANYONE about this, come home, put on a sweet face and pretend that my evening was just fine and dandy.

Mostly I cried becos I was terribly, horribly and scared to death that I could get pregnant cos that was the only thing that I have of myself, reserved for my future husband, if I ever do find him some day, cos I have nothing left to offer. For who could ever love a prostitute... right?

If I get pregnant, I'm finished. My life will be in ruins. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me a lesson. This is supposed to be my last week of whoring. I remembered telling myself earlier this year - untill F1 weekend (cos thats when S'pore gets a lot of visitors who needs erm, 'company'). And then I will quit.

I cried even more when I thought about my boy, Meatloaf, and the hypothetical name of our imaginery daughter that would bear his last name. How I miss him since I saw him last weekend and how I won't share my feelings with him cos I'm afraid I'll scare him away. Furthermore, I don't deserve him. He doesn't know I do 'THIS' and I hate how I can't open up to him cos I have so many secrets and 'cigarette butts under my pillow'. My chest felt like it could just burst.

12.15am
::Bathroom::
.
Never have I been happier to see... blood.
.
.
.
Got my menses.

No wonder I felt so melodramatic. Also kinda explains the wild waterworks. What a fuckin crazy day... Thank you God.
READ MORE » Farking Pissed and Scared Shit

A Nun's Vow of Poverty


OK. It's Sunday, so time for my regular look at the workings of religion - and, believe me, this one is a real piss boiler...

According to the Daily Telegraph, "A Benedictine nun who faces an impoverished retirement is challenging the Government's refusal to give benefits to members of religious orders.

Sister Mary Scott, 74, and one other nun run the Oulton Abbey community near Stone in Staffordshire, where they manage a small nursing home and playgroup, but she is getting too old to keep working.

Sister Mary has never been paid, so never paid National Insurance, and what money she makes goes on food and clothes.

A Government regulation excludes 'members of religious orders who are fully maintained by their order' from pension credits, but her lawyers argue that the abbey is not supported by the Benedictine order which has no central hierarchy. She has been given permission to take the case to the Court of Appeal.

Her barrister, Stephen Knafler QC, said poverty was an 'endemic' problem facing the country's 5,000 remaining nuns and 1,400 monks, most now past retirement age."

Well of course it is, you stupid bugger! It's endemic because they take a vow of poverty! Although clearly in the light of the scandal of child molestation by priests, religious vows count for fuck all these days!

And another thing, if she has "never been paid", where did she get the money from to spend on "food and clothes"?

You two faced, hypocritical bastards! I hope that this is all going down in St Peter's ledger ready for your day of judgement. You make me sick, the lot of you!
READ MORE » A Nun's Vow of Poverty

Bananaman bites the dust!


Could this be the end for our intrepid superhero?

Will he ever triumph over the evil talking horse Mr Ed?

Do we give a flying fuck? 
READ MORE » Bananaman bites the dust!

Ed Miliband wins it!

 Today's lesson is taken from the book of Genesis, Labour Party edition...


  1. In the time of the gathering, Ed presented himself to the conference as an offering to the Party. And David also presented himself.
  2. The Party had regard for Ed's offering, but they did not have regard for David's offering. David was furious, and he was downcast and his face fell.
  3. Then the Party sayeth unto David , "Why art you furious? And why art you downcast? Why hast thy face fallen?
  4. If you do right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it." 
  5. And David said unto his brother Ed "Let's go out back unto mine gaff for a beer."
  6. And while they were there, David attacked his brother Ed and killed him.
  7. Then the Party said to David , "Where is your brother Ed?"
  8. "I know not," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"
  9. Then the Party said, "Why have you done this thing?"
  10. And David answered, "My loss was too great to bear never to sit again in shadow cabinet for my brother forgives me not for challenging him."
 Here endeth the lesson....
READ MORE » Ed Miliband wins it!

The Leadership Song

Due to the announcement tomorrow of the name of the poor sod picking up the poisoned chalice of the Labour Leadership, I have interupted my flow of postcards to celebrate with the inevitable song.



Somehow you just knew I would, didn't you?...
READ MORE » The Leadership Song

A Postcard from Greece [3]

Now that we are all one big federal country called the Fourth Reich European Union, I'm drawn to reflect on what makes us all so compatible...

After all, the Greeks and the Brits are all citizens of Greater Germania Europe, so we must have a lot in common.

For example, the Greeks didn't want to join the euro but no one asked them either! Ditto the European Constitution. So common ground there already. What else? Well, almost everything in this apartment is home made. Can we say that in Britain? The last rental place I stayed at in England everything was imported - mainly from China I seem to recall.

Smokers here are allowed to kill themselves if they want. No health warnings on their fag packets! They simply wouldn't tolerate it. Fruit and vegetables are odd shapes. No dictate here on the shape of strawberries or the size of tomatoes. They chuck 'em into boxes and you pick what you want. You won't find that in Tesco!

Hours and not regulated (well, not enforced anyway!) and you can take the kids in with you so they can get a lemonade while you sup your ale. And people are actually allowed to take responsibility for their own actions. How refreshing!

And all those directives from the Reichstag EU commission we are so quick to implement in the UK? The Greeks just ignore them. As one local told me "They can do what they like in Athens. It's not really relevant here."

So what we have in common with the Greeks? Bugger all - the lucky sods!
READ MORE » A Postcard from Greece [3]

I hereby name thee... Chuck Bass

I havent been 'advertising' myself much these days and it is the 'regulars' that keep me going. Last Monday night I strutted to Grandpopz's (previously refered to as Captain Hook) penthouse and it was painful, as usual. The thing about the old man is, at first I thought he had lost his touch and tend to grope and squeeze so hard till it hurts. This time round was no different, so I'm assuming that he just likes it rough. I think he enjoys it when I moan, not by pleasure, but in pain. Sadist? Perhaps.

The horny old man also had a scenario in mind. It was nice of him to tell me before hand that he was thinking about BDSM and spanking. I'm always game to try out new things and infact, as he tied me up across his bed, it was pretty kinky and sexy. And then he pulled out something that made me gasped.

A toy!

So as I suck the life out of the old man (he says he's 52 but I'm sure he must be at least 60), he shoved the toy into my dripping wet pussy and I was turned on by the vibrations more than anything. I thought to myself, 'So this is how a vibrator feels like'...

I've always dreamed of getting myself a dildo/ vibrator but have been too shy to walk into an adult shop. Imagine that - me. shy.

Plus, it costs quite a bit and I had doubts about keeping it safely in my room as my sis likes to go through my things to look for stuffs. So the idea of getting one has always been shelved.

So when Grandpopz said that I could have it together with the furry pink blind-fold, I was estatic!!! It felt like Christmas. I've been playing with it everyday and decided that I should give it a name.

My clitoris vibrator named Chuck.
After thinking long and hard, I decided to name my pink clitoris vibrator - Chuck Bass, after the sexy Gossip Girl character played by the uber cute cockney, Ed Westwick. Grrrr... :)


READ MORE » I hereby name thee... Chuck Bass

Humour me

READ MORE » Humour me

La de los campeones



Mi amplia colección de camisetas de fútbol no tenía sentido desde hace dos meses. Pero cuando ya la daba por perdida, en el perchero del probador del Decathlon la encontré.

Ya están en el mismo baúl la camiseta con la que fuimos campeones, y la camiseta de los campeones.

Un Saludo
READ MORE » La de los campeones

A Postcard from Greece [2]


As I lie here soaking up the sun, I reflect that this is the remotest corner of the great European empire. The end of the road on the almost last island in the chain. Just across the water is foreign. You know, not the EU.

This must be how the Roman legionnaires felt when they were posted to the last bastion of the Roman Empire - or as we know it - the Scottish border. Nothing but savages beyond this point...

It's so quiet and peaceful. But of course that's the point. As we all know, the Greek economy is fucked together with pretty much all of the rest of the Euro zone except Germany. They have their own agenda. So maybe that's why it's so quiet. Everyone else is in Turkey - with the foreigners!

The exchange rate has improved since I was here in May (€1.10 now €uro 1.16) but nowhere near where it used to be (€1.45) but any slight improvement has been offset by the latest Greek VAT increase. Your restaurant bill has increased to 11% VAT from 8% last time out and non foods - e.g. essentials like beer, wine, ouzo and metaxa -now carry a whopping 23% VAT. Even in the local currency, restaurant bills are also up. A meal for two will now set you back around €35 where it used to be about €25 year a few years back.

Still, a few good things that can still be found. The red wine I am drinking as I write this comes in a 5 litre plastic bottle and is surprisingly good for the equivalent of about £1.20 a bottle.

Cheers!...
READ MORE » A Postcard from Greece [2]

A Postcard from Greece

OK - I'm back off holiday, but we all know that we get home before the postcards, so here's one I wrote earlier...


Last time I was in Greece, back in May, I'd not been here for a few years and was wondering exactly where the Greece I remembered - not quite of my youth because these days my memory isn't that good - had disappeared to!

Well, I'm pleased to report that it still exists although, as you would expect, it's a damn sight harder to find these days than it used to be. I'm resisting the temptation to tell you where I am because, frankly, I'd like to keep it to myself. Suffice it to say that it took a four hour flight, a 40 minute bus ride, 45 minutes in a boat and a half hour taxi ride to get here - and you know when you've arrived because the road doesn't go further than the village. Lovely!

We've got a simple appartment over a small shop painted as you expect in white with splashes of deep blue. There's a big terrace with a table, two comfy chairs and a pair of sunbeds.The mini market (there's only one!) is literally 50 yards away and the harbour front has five restaurants and a couple of coffee shops. It's exactly how I remember Greece twenty 20 years ago apart from the mobile phone mast and the Internet cafe.

But if that's the only modern incursions, then I can handle it!
READ MORE » A Postcard from Greece

La medida


Hace unos meses, no recuerdo cuantos, el Abuelo de Granada, peonazo del Señor Despojado del Fígares con el que tuve la suerte de coincidir en aquella inolvidable Passio Granatensis, me envíaba un tesoro en forma de fotografía de la Macarena a mi bandeja de entrada.

Pero claro, por ese tesoro había que pagar el peaje de escribir lo que me evocara esa foto. Una reflexión que él colgaría en su blog en una acertada serie repleta de cofrades de pro, que yo lo sé, de varios puntos andaluces.

Yo la mía la terminé así:

Puede que la medida sea sevillana y la Macarena sea la medida. Lo que es seguro es que la Macarena es Sevilla.

Y es que mi reflexión se basaba en que si hay algo que distingue a la Virgen, a la cofradía en general, que sale desde La Resolana es, por encima de todo, el sentido de la medida que aportan a todo lo que hacen y que todos queremos imitar pero casi ninguno consigue.

En ese punto también gira mi opinión acerca del día que la Virgen nos regaló el pasado sábado. La Virgen y una hermandad que va mucho más allá del novelerío, que sabe lo que tiene que hacer en cada momento y, lo mejor de todo, es que le sale tan natural que podría parecer casi insultante, si no fuera porque esa palabra no pinta nada si de lo que hablamos es de cofradías...

Eso es lo que yo vi. Un paso exquisitamente montado -pese a lo poco atractivo que me resulta un paso de palio sin su apellido-, un cortejo amplio y macarenamente formado, un repertorio apropiado porque yo no me canso de oir sus marchas tras Ella y, sobre todo, un andar gracioso, cadencioso y huyendo de la pesadez y el tedio que le están imprimiendo los costaleros últimamente a cada procesión extraordinaria.

Ya por Don Fadrique a la altura del Hotel Macarena comentaba con mi amigo Enrique Henares que cada vez me gustan menos las extraordinarias precisamente por eso, por su pesadez.

Pero la Macarena, en su medida, supo hasta cuidar el detalle del andar para, una vez más, abrir los ojos a Sevilla e incluso al que no quiera abrirlos.

Y es que la Macarena es Sevilla. Incluida La Cartuja.

Un Saludo
READ MORE » La medida

Going Green

I just got a mailing from Homebase of all people extolling the virtues and economics of going green by installing solar electricity panels on my roof.

So in the interests of saving the planet, let's take a closer look at what's on offer :

(1) "Solar PV panels convert light energy from the sun into electricity. Although they work best in full sunlight, they'll still work if it's cloudy." But as I heat and cook by gas, I use most electricity when it's dark. I asked. They don't work at night.

(2) "Get paid for every unit of electricity you produce, and even more for what you don't use." Apparently this works because "you'll be paid up to 41.3p***** for every unit of electricity you generate and an extra 3p for every unit you don't use and export to the electricity network". Sounds great, but "***** Based on retrofitting a solar photovoltaic system of less than (or equal to) 4kW in an existing, eligible property. Additional costs may be incurred." Additional costs? Hmmmm....

(3) So how do we get the figures then? "Remote monitoring of your system, from a smart meter fitted in your home****." Whoops - more asterisks. Ah - "**** The performance monitoring service also includes automated meter reading and is offered free for the first year to give you confidence in your installation. If you'd like it for longer, it can be continued at a charge of £4 a month." To put it another way, they charge you to meter it.

So cutting right to the chase, let's look at the costings :

A typical example* (Uh oh - another asterisk!)

Cost of our home solar power system  =  £11,150
Total savings on electricity bills  =  £2,426
FiT generation payments  =  £19,866
FiT export payments  =  £721
Total profit  =  £11,863

Looking good? Well, until you consider that "With a typical installation, you could break even in just under 13 years, giving you another 12 years of profit. You could make up to £700 in the first year alone and benefit from a typical annual rate of return of over 7%"

Also the 'optional' £4 per month metering charge more than wipes out your export payments. So it costs more to meter it than you get for exporting it.

And there are a lot of asterisks, and a lot of uses of the words 'typical' and 'could' in there, so I guess I need to simplify it for you :

If you are not thinking of staying in your house for at least 13 years, forget it. If you go to work all day and burn electric at night, forget it. If you don't think lashing out eleven grand to save 'up to' 'typically' £700 quid a year is a good return, forget it. And if you think it will save the planet, forget it.

I know where my £11,150 is going. Where's the holiday brochure?...
READ MORE » Going Green

Fuck off, Benny!


As both my regular readers will know, I sometimes like to hit a religious note on a Sunday, and what better Sunday than today when the Pope's State Visit to the UK comes to an end?

So as we wish his Holiness a fond farewell, with these heartfelt words : "Fuck off and don't come back!", I have prepared a little souvenir of his stay in the UK in the form of the following document :

From : H.M Government of the United Kingdon
To : Pope Benedict, The Vatican, Italy

INVOICE

ItemCharge
Provision of Security Services during Papal Visit             £   15,000,000.00
Shortfall in Catholic Church's contribution to events £     3,200,000.00
Hire of Stadia and marshaling services£     5,000,000.00
Administration and management fees£     9,000,000.00
Fine for breach of law re right of sexual expression£   10,000,000.00
Fine for inciting religious hatred against non Catholics£     5,000,000.00
Fine for breach of law on sexual equality by refusing to
ordain female ministers
£   10,000,000.00
Penalty for preverting the course of justice in relation to
abuse of minors by Catholic priests
£   50,000,000.00
Compensation for minors abused by aforesaid priests£   40,000,000.00
Sub-total£ 147,200,000.00
Plus : VAT at 17.5%£   25,760,000.00
TOTAL PAYABLE£ 172,960,000.00
Terms : Strictly net 30 days

I think that should keep him away for another year or two...
READ MORE » Fuck off, Benny!

Ambulance chasers

Question : What's the difference between a lawyer and a fish?

Answer : One is cold and slimey. The other is a fish.

For some time now I have deplored the continuing advance of the litigation culture in this country.

Nothing is ever my fault. If I fall over a paving stone, sue the council. If I drive my car into a ditch, sue the road repairers. You get the picture...

Lawyers hit an all time low in my estimation when they started chasing ambulances. Until today. Today a leaflet came through my door which is disturbing even by their standards.

Let's drum up some divorce business!

"Falling apart at the seams? Looking to end your relationship? Try our fixed fee divorce service!"

"Talk to one of our experts in confidence about our fixed fee divorce service. First appointment free."

"We will answer your queries on divorce, seperation, children, finances, cohabitee disputes, domestic violence, living together agreements, pre-nuptial agreements, changes of name and " - wait for it - "other related issues." - whatever they are...

Never mind marriage councelling. Never mind working at the relationship.

If you weren't thinking about divorce already, now's the time!
READ MORE » Ambulance chasers

iThought for the day...

READ MORE » iThought for the day...

Chippendales - 30 year reunion

READ MORE » Chippendales - 30 year reunion

Disfrutar bajo los pasos



Eso es lo que le decía a mi amigo Jaime Fournier mientras trabajábamos bajo la Virgen de las Angustias, "por esto es por lo que sacamos pasos". Exacto. Para disfrutar como lo hicimos el pasado día 8.

Tan pletórico como en el regreso desde el Paseo de la Ribera a la Parroquia me siento aún hoy, tres días después.

Y es que en el fragor del trabajo bajo un paso hay pocos momentos mejores que aquellos en los que uno se siente capaz y, con kilos por doquier en lo alto, tiene la impresión de que por más que le echen va a seguir cuajado en ellos.

Esas fueron las sensaciones bajo la patrona de Ayamonte en éste mi tercer año bajo su plateado y precioso paso. Aderezadas con los ánimos de un rosario de costaleros, cada uno de su padre, su madre y su cofradía, que se fundieron en uno gracias a la afición y al buen trabajo.

Sin duda, estas palabras escritas son pocas e inexactas para explicar la sensación que pretendo, pero seguro que a muchos de vosotros se os han puesto los pelos de punta bajo un paso ante la certeza de que estás disfrutando como un auténtico enano...

Eso último también se lo repetía a los de mi alrededor, y es que así fue.

Gracias a todos, y en especial a Juanma.

Un Saludo
READ MORE » Disfrutar bajo los pasos

Bye Bye New Labour

The New Labour nightmare is over at last, so why not commemorate the occasion with a reworking of a Bob Dylan classic?


READ MORE » Bye Bye New Labour

Rent-a-pal

God help us all! Rent-a-pal is coming to the UK!

This is the latest run away phenomenon in the US - where else? You sign up on the website and whenever you need a friend, you just pay to hire one.

Apparently this is a natural extension to social networking and computer dating. Apparently, we are all leading such busy lives 24/7 that we simply don't have time to go out make friends on our own any more. It fulfils the expectations of the modern generation for instant gratification.

Well - here's question for you. Are you sitting at work reading this when you should be working? If the answer is 'yes', then it's probaby because your boss is such a twat that he hasn't given you anything to do today. And that's probably because his boss is also a twat and hasn't given him any work either.

So now that we have established that your 24/7 busy, busy lifestyle is all bullshit, why not pick up the landline and ask a mate or two if they fancy popping down the pub or coming round for a meal later?

After all, real friends are free and it makes a lot more sense than paying to hire one...
READ MORE » Rent-a-pal

Sod it! I'm off to Greece (again)


Yes, it's that time of year again. The kid's are going back to school so I can safely bugger off to Greece and take in some more sun and Metaxa.

Blogging will therefore be intermittent for a couple of weeks. Enjoy the break. I will!
READ MORE » Sod it! I'm off to Greece (again)

Com a Lolita no Algarve


















READ MORE » Com a Lolita no Algarve

Papal Quiz - The answers!


For those of you enthralled by the challenge I set you with my recent 'fake or real' Papal visit souvenirs, here are the answers :
  • Money Box :  Real - available by mail order in the States!
  • Benedict-a-phone - I loved this one. Shame it's a fake.
  • USB Stick : Real. Honest.
  • Chef's Apron : Almost real - I changed the picture, but you can buy a Pope apron with the official visit logo on it.
  • Pope's Wine : Real - apart from the miracle bit of course. It's a genuine Californian winery.
  • Pope on a Rope : Real.
  • Papal Visits for Dummies : Fake - although there is a Roman Catholicism for Dummies so I only had to photoshop a bit of the title.
  • Talking Key Ring : Almost real. It doesn't talk but you really can get 'the power of the Pope in your pocket.'
  • Naked Pope Pen : OK - it's a complete fake!
  • 3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker : Realish - the Pope Benedict cocktail shaker is real but I made the rest up!
  • I Love the Pope Knickers : 100% genuine.
  • Benedict Condoms : Also 100% genuine. On the other side of the packet to "I said NO!" is printed "But we say YES"
  • Pope's Special Ale : Real - but I doctored the picture on  the beermat
  • Pope Candles : 100% genuine
  • Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser : What do you think? Of course it's a fake - but wouldn't it be great if it was real?
And the one that got away is pictured above. It's a board game called "Conclave - How men become Pope" and it's available via mail order from the official Vatican gift shop.

The prices are of course complete bollocks, but I'm sure the Vatican would charge this much for similar tacky tourist trash if they thought they could get away with it. Just look at the prices of their tour T-shirts!
 
So how many did you get right?...
READ MORE » Papal Quiz - The answers!
"It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then..."
READ MORE »

Apeshit!


I'm off on holiday shortly (Yes! Again...), and have just recieved my tickets - along with a letter telling me about the latest invasion of our privacy and civil liberties.

APIS or Advaced Passenger Information System is yet another legacy from the bullshit Brown governmant foisted upon us because, of course, the Yanks have it so it must be essential for us!!

"Your airline is legally obliged to collect passenger information from all customers (including infants) who are travelling to, and in some cases from, those countries involved in your itinerary that require information, for electronic transmission to the relevant country's Customs and Immigration authorities prior to departure."

So I get a snotty letter from the tour operator telling me to go to a website and fill all this shit in. Apparently, this information will be "kept for no more than 10 years by the British Government." So now they are keeping a check on my movements in and out of the UK. I am, I might add, travelling to an EU country which, in theory, means that I don't need to use my passport (ha! ha!) so this new database gets around that one.

And if that's not bad enough, I am visitting the US for a couple of hours later in the year, so of course now I need to fill in their version - ESTA (Electronic System for Travel Authorization). Even though I am eligible for visa waiver, I have to pay $15 to register that I am coming! I woudn't mind, but I am only changing terminals and flying straight out again.

Still, all this bullshit keeps the bureaucrats in a job and keeps track of all the plebs. Orwell would have loved it.

I'm getting a T-shirt printed : "I'm going APeshIt with ESTA" and on the back "Am I API? No - I ain't" which should impress immigration no end...
READ MORE » Apeshit!

Building for floods in India


In the light of the floods in Pakistan, I am reminded of a trip I took a couple of years ago along the Brahmaputra river in Assam, India.

We visitted an unnamed island in the middle of the river and went for a wander across the crop fields and through the village. Like the Indus in Pakistan, the Brahmaputra floods every year. Every year, this island disappears under the flood waters, washing away everything in its path.

A couple of us were talking to one of the villagers, who was leaning against one of the stilts that his house - and all the others in the village - are built on as you can see above. He explained to us that every year they gather the crops, take in the animals and sit out the floods. I asked him why he didn't just move. He said that the silt depositted made the ground very fertile and the crops were good. And the flood water? "It happens every year so we are ready for it."

My somewhat dim-but-nice friend asked him how high the water comes up? He replied by placing his hand on one of the stilts about a foot below the floor level of his house. "About here", he replied.

The Chinese have the same problem with the Yangtze which is one of the reasons they built that enormous dam to help regulate it. They have problems at the moment too, but they are doing something about it not just holding out their begging bowl.

The Indus is not dissimilar to the Brahmaputra. It does this every year. Admittedly this year it has been extreme, but perhaps the Pakistanis could be a little more like the Assamese and be just a bit more prepared for it?

And perhaps their government could help by releasing just a small chunk of that $2 billion they are spending on developing nuclear power...
READ MORE » Building for floods in India