Kejar ptp

Norwich - More culture in a pot of yoghurt

Apparently, Norwich is hopeful of becoming the first "UK City of Culture" in 2013.

Unbelievable in itself - were it not for the fact that that the other three contenders are Birmingham, Sheffield and Londonderry - so as far as I am see the short list committee must be living in Outer Mongolia. Whatever, they have clearly never been to Norwich.

So what can we say in Norwich's favour?

It's got a Cathedral, a bit of a castle and a John Lewis. It's a city. Er, that's about it?.....

I believe Jeremy Clarkson summed it all up when he said that you always knew when you'd arrived in Nofolk because you passed a sign that said "Beware! 'Ere be witches". And, he went on to say, "When I drive my car anywhere else, people say 'Look, that's a Cosworth' but in Norfolk they say 'Look, there's a car'." Guess Jeremy is not one of the supporting celebrities, then?

No. The campaign is being supported by none other than Stephen Fry, a well loved national treasure! Can I perhaps point out that if treasure needed to be buried, Norfolk would be a good place?

Stephen is highly enthusiastic - well, he does need to film "Kingdom" up there, so best not rock the boat. He is also, apparently, "proud to be able to tell people I support the football club."

Ah, yes. The football club. Norwich has a great football team. Well, no actually. And just when you thought they couldn't get any worse, remember they have none other than Delia Smith as a director. So watch what you say or I'll get her to patronise you!

So what do we get with this accolade then? Well, "The programme would deliver education programmes, skills development opportunities, a volunteering network, the country’s first citywide free data download zone, new community provisions and literacy and education targets for the city’s young people." Yes, well you can't have too many targets, programmes and opportunities, can you?

What else? Well, as Chris Gribble, chief executive of the Writers’ Centre Norwich, adds: “We estimate that the UK City of Culture award will bring over £215 million into the city’s economy."

OK. Gotcha. It's basically all a load of marketing spin to make money. As it was all thought up by the previous government, why am I not surprised?

emily harris

Labour Productions presents.....

An exciting story of political intrigue and infighting in the race to become the party's new leader!

Starring :

Ed "iTalk" Balls as Mr Drivel, a man battling with a terrible speech impediment that has him talking complete nonsense whenever he opens his mouth...

David "don't call me me Dave" Milliband, the man who wants to take us all back to the bad old days, but little do they realise that meek, mild mannered David is, in fact, that crime busting superhero Bananaman!

"Mr Ed" Milliband - Hear him play the family man card as he bangs on about his infertility problems. Follow his anquish as he tries to adopt a child to raise as the next generation leader. Don't miss his fantastic imitation of a talking horse...

Andy "Heads Down" Burnham as the ambitious young pretender who tries to sneak in the back door while no-one is looking. Watch him as he swans about in his swanky refurbished London pad...

Diane "Backbird" Abbott, the lefty with principals who sends her kid to the very private school she says she wants to abolish. A woman on a quest to save the world from policy wonks and think tanks!

Don't miss this thrilling spectacle!

(On the other hand, do give it a miss. It's just more of the same old bullshit)

Charity begins at home

OK - I accept that this not going to be a popular post and I am going to get slagged off for it.

Nevertheless, I pledged to cut the bullshit and tell it like it is, so here goes...

I am sick and tired of charities knocking on my door carrying - no, not the rattly tin - clipboards and direct debit mandates.

This is the new unacceptable face of charities. Some bloudy bright spark somewhere - probably a highly paid consultant - has worked out that collecting a few coins in a tin is not an effective way of collecting money. Far better if we can get people to sign direct debits and get them to make a 'small' regular monthly contribution.

In the last month, I have have had no fewer than 7 (yes, s-e-v-e-n) spotty faced irks in charity T-shirts knock on my door and ask me to sign a direct debit. I have refused them all. One young man even told me that if I did not sign, then I might be perceived as a "tight fisted old Scrouge". Well, perceive away...

These people might not have noticed, but we are having a recession. The country is in deep do-do. I am retired and living on my savings at a time of record low interest rates. They should be giving me money, for Christ's sake!

And now, just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, I have tonight received an unsolicited telephone call from yet another charity asking me to donate "just a small regular amount" by direct debit.

This was a completely blind call. I have an ex-directory number and the caller confirmed that he did not know who I was and that the number was computer selected at random.

I swore at him until he hung up...

Brown to head new Political Party

+ + + + STOP PRESS + + + +

Breaking news is that Gordon Brown is to return to front line politics as head of a new political party.

The new party is to be called the "Coalition of Unions, Nationalists and Tree-huggers." C.U.N.T. is to be formed by disaffected Trades Union funded MPs who have lost faith in the New Labour ideal together with members of the four UK Nationalist Parties and supporters of the eco-lobby.

Emerging from his hiding place in his Scottish constituency, Mr Brown explained what he has been up to whilst out of the public eye :

"I have been persuaded by my fellow CUNTs that at this time of great difficulty, the country needs a new political direction and a strong leader - namely me."

"This new party draws from the great Trades Unions movement that stands for the rights of the working classes everywhere. It gives voice to the Nationalists amongst us and strenghtens the all important green voice."

"None of the other parties encompass all these things. We want to be inclusive."

"We believe that we have a real chance of gaining seats in the next European Elections due to the fairness of the proportional voting system that I have always fought for. We have already recieved strong support from the European Parliament where we have been welcomed by the many CUNTs who already sit there."

The acting leader of the Labour Party, Harriet Harman, welcomed the move, saying "It will be common knowledge that I have always supported getting more CUNTs onto the front benches."

Prime Minister, David Cameron, commented "This new party is clearly the natural home for Gordon and I wish him well."

A ouvir #47

Ring-fencing the aid budget

Sorry, Mr. Osbourne, George, Mr Chancellor, Sir - but what the fuck are you talking about?

You have just been telling us at some length that this country is in the deep shite and that we all need to make sacrifices for the good of the country. Apparently, you keep telling us ad nauseum, we can't spend money we don't have.

So as you are so fucking clever, please explain to me how a country that has no money (i.e. us) is able to give money we don't have to other countries that have no money either?

I seriously suggest that you take the ring fence from around the overseas development budget and shove it up your arse - which at least will stop you talking out of it...

READ MORE » Ring-fencing the aid budget

Eu tenho medo do Big Brother... É mais fácil do que parece...

Quanto aos critérios de pagamento nas Scuts, o Minho é uma das regiões mais pobres do país, e não existe qualquer outra opção para ir de cá até ao Porto sem ser pelo troço em questão. Existem estradas nacionais, mas com má qualidade, velhas e longas. Não constitui alternativa.

É por estas e por outras que me rio quando ouço um certo senhor a falar de aproveitamento político e de optimismo.

Creative Condom Ads

My fave is the 'Fathers Day Ad'. Enjoy!

Drinking - a Doctor's view

A short while ago, I promissed to get my friend "Old Sawbones" to give me his professional view on the latest NICE proclamation on how to interrogate patients about their drinking habits.

This is what he had to say :

"Anyone and everyone knows you shouldn't (1) smoke, (2) overeat, (3) drink daily above the recommended amount, but life can be (1) cruel, (2) short, (3 )unfair and we need no lectures from the 'great and the (not so) good' on how we live our lives.

The patronising medical establishment have a vested interest in cosying up to the politicians, and parroting their 'guidance' as to how to live a healthy life - as if we didn't know - and, of course, with an eye to appearing in the forthcoming honours list. (Don't rock the boat.)

Anyway, as if there wasn't little enough time during the average consultation to deal with the medical problem itself, I suspect that advice on drinking may be one of the issues for which GPs get additional payment, as with advice on dealing with obesity."

So there we have it from the expert. Looks to me like another hangover from the good old nanny state New LieBore days of inventing ways to pay people for meeting targets rather than letting them alone to get on with their jobs - which in this case is healing the sick...

Shariah law for the UK?

On Sunday last week, I took a trip to the Globe Theatre in London to see the Scottish play.

Unfortunately, as I drove past the East London Mosque on the Whitechapel Road, I became involved in a traffic jam caused by protestors who had apparently rallied in response to the recently cancelled English Defense League march. Some sort of confrontation was clearly taking place and we were somewhat relieved when we were clear of the area.

However, this has prompted me to reflect on demands for shariah law to be introduced in the UK.

Apparently, this is the law of God and therefore is above the laws of men. Absolute bollocks! This is the law of men represented as being the law of God - not quite the same thing...

Regardless of this, we live in a country which is tolerant of religious views and gives it's people the right to peaceful protest. Note the word 'peaceful'.

In this country we live according to the laws laid down by our democratically elected government and these laws are tried in tested in our courts. By all means exercise your democratic right to campaign to change them and to field candidates for parliament who you can vote for in a general election.

BUT - and this is a big but - at the end of the day, if you do not like the way we do things in this country, then please exercise your democratic right to fuck off and live somewhere else...

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo

Catch a bad chick by her toe
If she holla (if, if, if she holla) let her go

Its nice when you know someboy is smittened by you. I have learnt that is a rather effortless chain reaction.

I hooked up with Muffin last Monday, at his apartment. Saw me on CL. In his brief intro, he stated that he's a US national but failed to declare that he had 'oompa loopa' origins. And I cant believe I didn't detect it when he sent his pic!

Hence, when I appeared at his door, I was caught by surprised... again! 'Tis the second time this has happened. But I went in anyway and we sat and chatted while my meter starts ticking. I pacified myself - Com'on, its just for an hour. He's not that repulsive. Plus, you really need the money!

Muffin and I chatted for quite a bit (which is good cos he booked me for only an hour and we spent about 15 minutes getting to know each other). At first I thought he looked kinda gay. Not in the happy sense but as in homo. So when we surrendered to his bedroom, I was curious about what to expect. Thank goodness he prefers the lights off. And as he crawled onto me, our bodies glowed faintly under the moonlight that peered from the sheer curtains.

Turns out that Muffin is an avid muff-diver. For the first 10 mins, I was rather bored. He was good though but I'm actually not too excited about being on the receiving end of the oral-exam. I honestly feel that it is pretty disgusting for you to be licking my pussy. Really. Even I wouldnt lick my pussy. But I can't exactly tell the guy not to cos they're not paying for my enjoyment. So if licking pussy gives them pleasure then lick away, as I lie back, spread 'em legs like the eagle, moan a lil here and there and pretend to enjoy it.

As I laid on his cushy bed with his head inbetween my thighs, my thoughts kept ping-pong-ing from Popeye to Marcus. The fact that I couldnt see Muffin's face in the darkness was perfect. As he lapped up my lady-juices, I imagined that it was Marcus. When he shoved 2 fingers, I imagined that it was Popeye. When we kissed, I was kissing Marcus and when his face was burried in my bosom, he was Popeye.

Next 10 mins, I was excitedly planning where to go after this and contemplated to call Snoozer-Boy out for a quick fuck so that he'll stop texting me everyday already. All this while Muffin was still hard at work, divin deep into my ocean of treasures. I thought to myself, let's see how this goes - if this guy continues at this rate and can only afford a lame fuck, I'm calling in Plan B.

But soon after, Muffin started to pick up pace and inserted more fingers. It felt like 4 but I'm too squemish to imagine. He pumped me fast and hard, till my body was arched and from my decibel scale, I knew the Snoozer Boy plan had to be postponed.

At the end of it, we laid down facing each other as he stroked my hair and told me how beautiful I was (yeah yeah, blah blah blah). One really nice thing that he did and I won't forget was how he gently massaged my temples and it felt sooooooooo good. I felt so relaxed and could have just fallen asleep right there and then.

He texted me after I left to tell how much he enjoyed it... and he texted again the next morning and emailed when I didn't answer. At this point its obvious he's hooked. And I havent even got to return the muffing favour!

Other snippet updates:
- I think I've officially broken up with Dody. Its been 3 weeks since I ignored his msgs.

- Popeye emailed me to wish happy birthday. I'm touched that he even bothers.

- STILL pretty hung over Jacques. While other girls my age are raising little devils, I get to fuck a younger boy on my birthday, who unintentionally happens to be charmingly french, smart and left quite a deep impression with his insightful opinions. Plus, I get a birthday wish in french with an authentic french kiss. *Ouiiiiii!!!!!* Ouh, almost forgot. Jacques is also the first. The first guy I've ever met that does not like a blow. I almost thought that he was kidding. Well, to each his own. He could be my equivalent.

I might be meeting someone tomorrow but I dunno if its confirmed. If it happens then I'll be seeing a cute English lad (who's actually my age, but he believes I'm younger. Duh.)

Till then, practise safe sex bitches...

Cos shorty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover...

Bust Your Windows (Glee Cast/ Amber Riley)

I bust the windows out your car
And no, it didn't mend my broken heart
I'll probably always have these ugly scars
But right now I don't care about that part

I bust the windows out your car
After I saw you looking right at her
I didn't wanna, but I took my turn
I'm glad I did it, 'cause you had to learn

I must admit it helped a little bit
To think of how you felt when you saw it
I didn't know that I had that much strength
But I'm glad you see what happens when

You see you can't just play with people's feelings
Tell them you love them and don't mean it
You'll probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserve to smile

Ha ha ha ha, I bust the windows out your car
You know I did it, cause I left my mark
Wrote my initials with the crowbar
And then I drove off into the a dark

I bust the windows out your car
Hey, you should be lucky that that's all I did
After five whole years of this bullsh**
Gave you all of me, and you played with it

I must admit it helped a little bit
To think of how you felt when you saw it
I didn't know that I had that much strength
But I'm glad you see what happens when

You see you can't just play with people's feelings
Tell them you love them and don't mean it
You'll probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserve to smile

Bust windows out your car
But it don't compare to my broken heart
You can never feel how I felt that day
Until that happens, baby you don't know pain, no

You should know it
I ain't sorry, you deserved it
After what you did to me, you deserved it
I ain't sorry, no, no, no

You caused me pain
Even though what you did to me was much worse
I had to do something to make it hurt, yeah

Oh, but why am I still crying?
Why am I the one who is still crying?
Oh, oh, you really hurt me, baby
You really, you really hurt me, babe

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Now watch me, you
Now watch me
I bust the windows out your car

:: Originally Performed by Jazmine Sullivan ::

10 things you didn't know about a vuvuzela

To celebrate the impending return of our great football team after we lose this afternoon's match, here's my list of interesting facts about the vuvuzela :

It's exactly 1 metre long (about 3'3")
It comes in two different lengths
The shorter horn is 58cm long and is tuned to B flat
It's totally silent - you use a brass instrument technique of blowing through compressed lips to create a buzz
It was discovered by accident by a bloke blowing a bicycle horn with the rubber bulb removed
The first vuvuzela was made of aluminium but was banned from matches as it was considered a dangerous weapon!
The sound level of the instrument has been measured at 127 decibels
Its also called a "lepatata" (its Tswana name)
They have been associated with permanent noise-induced hearing loss
They spread colds and flu viruses on a greater scale than coughing or shouting

As I live near my local football ground and parking is a nightmare on match days (despite the fact the there are no parking notices in our road), so if they drive away supporters from outside my house then I WANT ONE

+ + + + LATE NEWS + + + +
They've been banned at Wimbledon! (Which is a shame as they would have drowned out the grunting!)

Government talks CRAP!

Yesterday, at the O2 Arena in London, Chancellor George Osbourne unveiled his strategy for today's emergency budget.

"The options before us are simple," said Mr Osbourne. "What this country desperately needs is a damn good C.R.A.P. - a Cost Reduction Action Plan - and I've called you all here today to emphasize that the Coalition Government's number one priority is to cut out waste and unnecessary costs.

"The previous Labour government left us a legacy of Super High Increased Taxation, and if we are to pre-empt any further avoidable build ups of S.H.I.T., it is absolutely essential that we have a really thorough C.R.A.P. right now!

"Unfortunately, " he went on, "I have to tell you that there is a distinct possibility that one C.R.A.P. will not be enough if we are to save this country from being flushed right down the toilet."

Mr Osbourne was met with rapturous applause from the capacity 23,000 delegate crowd and at the five course lunch afterwards, was praised for his honest approach to the problem of keeping costs to an absolute minimum.

VAT - what next?

VAT will go up in tomorrow's emergency budget.

Let's look at the history :

VAT was introduced in the early 1970's, replacing various sales taxes that had existed until then.
Rates were increased in Geoffrey Howe's first budget, paying for income tax reductions and attempts at budget deficit reductions (sic).

Rates were increased again in 1991 to pay for John Major's cuts in the the poll tax.

The VAT tax base was also extended in 1984 to hot take away food, and building improvements. A particularly controversial extension to domestic fuel spending was made in 1994.

Initially, the basic rate of VAT was set at 8% with a higher rate of 12.5% on luxuries, but this didn't last long and in 1979 a single rate of 15% was introduced. The current rate of 17.5% was introduced in 1991 where it has pretty much remained ever since.

I reported recently on the problems in Greece where the rates have gone from 8%/18% to 10%/21% in the last few months. Also, current EU law stipulates that the basic rate cannot be less than 15% and the lower rate not less than 5%, so we aren't much over those minima at the current rates.

Denmark, Hungary and Sweden lead the table with 25%. Only Cyprus and Luxembourg (15%) and Spain (16%) have lower rates than the UK and I wouldn't bet on Spain staying that low. In general then, most European rates are higher than ours.

My bet is on a new rate of 20% and I wouldn't bet against reintroducing the luxuries rate of 25% again either - as long as the luxuries they cover don't include the everyday basics of life.

Whatever happens, let's at least look the public straight in the face and tell them how it is. We had enough of stealth taxes from the last prat...

DIOS

Haber mirado a Dios a los ojos.

Un Saludo

A ouvir #46

The Saga of Murray's Mound

I'll grant you that I might have banged on a bit about the football lately, but after the light relief of admiring the silly hats at Ascot, our TV screens are next to be taken over by Wimbledon.

But, for a change, it's not just this (grunt) taking over of the TV that I object too. Tennis I can tolerate. I've even been to (grunt) Wimbledon in the dim and distant past.

To see what gets up my (grunt) nose, I thought I would illustrate the (grunt) point by including a picture of Andy (grunt) Murray actually winning something! Let's face it, he's not going to win anything at (grunt) Wimbledon.

But the fans will paint their stupid faces and sit on the (grunt) hill behind Centre Court watching his every (grunt) move on the big screen. And how they will suffer when he gets knocked out just like (grunt) every year!

But the most interesting thing about Murray - and let's (grunt) face it there isn't much that is interesting about him - is that when he's (grunt) winning, he's British. But when he's losing, have you noticed he's suddenly Scottish?

And another thing. What's with all this fucking grunting!?!

Joyeux anniversaire!

A year older yet non the wiser. Or maybe a little.

Just got home. Interesting night it was. Had to go out and do something for myself. Really didnt feel like sleeping in like previous years and didn't feel like being alone. So I called up a few 'friendly' numbers.

Met up with Nick - aussie guy from CL. So, no, he's not a customer. First time today I stepped into a bar. Alley Bar at Emerald. Not bad aye... I like the ambience. Very cosy. Cute thing about Nick was when I first spoke to him, he said - I have a confession. I'm married.

I laughed my head off and told him not to worry about it. We chatted over a harmless drink, shared travel stories and after an hour, went our separate ways. (I told you I wasn't into Aussies)

As the hours sink deeper into the Saturday night heat, I was hornier by the minute and was restless at being dateless. I unintentionally inconvenienced Snoozer Boy by asking to meet and later cancelling when I discovered a new email perched in my inbox. Luckily the 'number coded' guy left a number I could call.

So from Sydney, Australia, I flew to Brittany, France, where I was destined to meet Jacques. I seriously believe that Jacques was sent to me by the higher powers to knock some sense into my head. The sex was just so-so but what blew me away was the mental orgasm which he ignited in my senses and served as a wake-up call on my birthday, like a rebirth.

The Importance of Being Eager!

I would like to believe that I understand this concept, only that it was damaged barbarically by my previous employer which extinguished all my eager-fire.

Jacques revised the 'eager-concept' with me again by sharing his working experiences in China, which I think made so much sense. I can't remember what he said word-for-word but here's the gist of it:

- to be eager about getting things done

- in Singapore, ppl are very comfortable as everything is given. Singaporeans dont have to 'fight' for something that they want. Thus resulting in the 'Bo chap' lifetitude (lifestyle + attitude).

- In China where there are alot of buzz and development happening because these things (things that we have but take for granted) are not available to them so they've got to create and make it happen.
- The rich people are very eager in getting things done. They know that they need to get off their arse and start moving fast in order to stay rich because if they slack, the poorer ppl wil catch up.

- The poor do not want to be poor all their lives so that work very hard to improve their life.

- The rich understand the need to grow their money. Economy's uncertain. Today you might be rich but soon, the money will run out.

- In Singapore where the environment is very calm, no buzz - people are not eager. Many young Singaporeans work outside the country where their passion and fire are being put to better use. If you want to be somebody, you can't stay in Singapore.

- For example: the 'engine' of a finance company in Singapore are mostly foreigners, while the Singaporean only works as... admin.

- In Europe, in order to have job that pays well, you've got to be able to speak at least 2 to 3 languages - French, German, Spanish, on top of English.

- You've got to do more, to get more.

So the moral of the story is - MOVE YOUR ARSE!!!

What Jacques said sorta woke me up from my currently 'drifting and wandering' life. I guess I have lost that drive, motivation and passion that I once had but I MUST muster it back - for my own sake.

I know this whoring stint is just my phase of rebellion and someday I will make good out of myself and carve a better future. Just as soon as I snap out of this phase, which better be soon.

Thanks Jacques! Your words and insight couln't have come at a better time.

xoxo

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might...

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night

Airplanes :: B.o.B ft Hayley Williams

Snooze-Boy is smitten. He's been texting me non-stop, even when I don't reply. Been going through the list, and not that they're not eligible men. Worse! Some of them are married! tsk tsk tsk...

I've been asking myself what is my birthday wish...
... a thousand dollar bag?
... jewellery?
... fancy candle-lit dinner?
... fireworks?

and I wish...

... for that evening Popeye and I laid down on the grass in each others arms and counted the stars... that's all.

Previously with Popeye: 'Today was a fairytale', March 5th 2010.

CGT - What's all the fuss about?

What's all this bloudy nonsense about Capital Gains Tax reform?

I'm an ex-accountant (is there such a thing?) and I have a long memory.

Before the 13 years of LieBore misrule, it was nice and easy.

You calculate your chargeable gain after taking off all your allowances and reliefs, add it to your taxable income and then work out the tax as if it was all income tax.

It's known as "top slicing". So if your top tax rate is 40%, that's the rate you pay. If you are a basic rate taxpayer and the gains tip you into the 40% band, you pay part at basic and part at higher rate. Just like you do with income tax.

It isn't difficult. It's how we used to do it. It's fair and proportionate.

So if a divvy like me can work this out, why can't George bloudy Osbourne??